Tuesday, November 25, 2008

When is living in the 'here and now' not enough?

A few years ago, I walked into my job, ready to teach my pre-school sports class in less than an hour. I was surprised to see my boss in so early. I quickly learned he was there to give me my final check and help me carry my stuff to my car as he was 'no longer able to keep me on payroll, effective immediately.' A few months earlier, the girl I replaced was hired back as what she went off to do didn't work. I never had a chance in that position.

That experience really opened my eyes to the fact that we aren't guaranteed anything. I had been making plans that I'd be in that position for a while and was even checking into ways I could work my schedule and finish my master's degree at a university 2 hours away. Then bam--just like that--all of my plans came to a screeching stop.

From that point on, I've been careful to make plans about anything. I mean, here I am living in CA. I never would've thought that was in my future, yet I love it. A few years ago, I was at a presentation with the message of don't make plans. When you make plans that you're do focused on, you miss opportunities that are right in front of you. I agreed 100% as that was during the time when I offered my event planning services, for free, to someone I met online. Crazy, right? Not at all...I saw it as an opportunity to network and get experience working on something that had a great reputation. I saw the opportunity and did something about it.

Now don't get me wrong, when all of this happened with the CA event planning thing, I had just made a 2 year non-commitment commitment to my current position and boss. I asked him what kind of commitment he'd like from me as I had just been promoted. We discussed what we both thought was a good option (2 years) and then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'Unless something better comes along.' I laughed and thought he was crazy and that I'd be there for another 2 years (I had been deep into job searching for 4 months prior to this conversation, of which he was supportive of.) Lo and behold, 4 months after we made the non-commitment commitment, I had decided I'd eventually move to CA for a new job. If I had been locked into that 2 year agreement, I probably wouldn't have even thought about making an offer for the CA thing. Funny how life has a way of surprising you. :)

So this all sounds good, so far, but I think maybe I've taken this a bit too far and need to start making a few plans again. I'm in this place of not having a dream or goal to work towards. I don't like that. I truly feel like I'm just living life with no direction. I'm not passionate about anything specific. Booo! That's not exciting!

My goal over the Thanksgiving holiday is to take some time and make some goals. Usually this happens around New Year's with resolutions and what not, but what can I say? I'm an overachiever. ;) I want to get these in motion NOW and start doing something. I'm open to suggestions of goals I should consider as well as ideas on how to stick with 'em.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I've been homeless since 2003

First off, I've blown NaBloPoMo. Bad timing to do a post a day, or even 30 posts in 30 days. I've been blogging a bit more than normal, so I guess that's a plus. Maybe next year NaBloPoMo. :-/

I had dinner the other night with a group of amazing women. We get together once a month and it's a place that is completely safe to be honest as well as a place to encourage each other. Friendships are being built that will last a lifetime, and we've only met 3 or 4 times. Out of this group, I've received an invite for Thanksgiving (think Misfits Thanksgiving), and when I mentioned I was job searching, 3 of the ladies asked what I wanted to do and immediately offered connections and intros to people they know. But this isn't what this group is all about. It's becoming a support system for me, yet I barely know these women.

During these dinners, we eat, drink, and share about what's going on. We also have a question of the evening that causes us to think about who we are. The question this time is "What difference do you want to see made in the world and how are you going to work towards that?" Answers included teaching their kids about taking care of the environment, starting a dog therapy program with incarcerated minors, educating people on where materials are coming from when people order her clothing items, and just plain learning to love ourselves in order to help others.

When it was my turn to share, I was excited as this is something I've been thinking about for a while. I don't have a major voice, but I want to use the influence I have to be a voice for those who don't have a voice or aren't being heard. The thing I feel most passionate about is being a voice for the homeless. My heart breaks and I'm often on the verge of tears when I walk or drive past a panhandler. I feel guilty when I turn away, pretend to be on the phone and just completely ignore them. They're people too, damn it. They're not all cracked out, lazy people. Some of them have faced hard circumstances and have lost everything they have. It could easily be you or me on the street.

As I started talking about this, I lost it. The tears were flowing, which I partially contribute to the exhaustion lately. I've often wondered why this is something that has such a great effect over me. It started during my time in Wisconsin where I often walked by (and ignored) those living on the street. I think my eyes were opened when I saw a video of a homeless man, sharing his story who said "All I ask is that you look me in the eye and show me respect. That's all I want." Even now, this brings tears to my eyes.

Our discussion continued and I pulled myself together as a few others shared their thoughts. Then, the woman on my right, who knows me fairly well, turned to me and said "I can see that this means so much to you because you feel homeless yourself...being in a new place and still getting settled in." What?!?! I lost it all over again (and even now am crying). She's 100% correct and I had never put the two things together. I've been in CA for 7 months and have moved twice and have even had 2 jobs and am now looking for a new job. Wisconsin never really felt like home. Oklahoma is home for me and it's been 5 years since I've lived there. My parents moved to Michigan a few years ago, so even now, when I go to visit them, it's not home.

Not only do I feel 'homeless', but I feel abandoned to a point as I barely talk with my parents. Being an only child, I don't have siblings I can connect with. I often feel like I'm wandering around in this world on my own. I have friends but it's a weird dynamic for me. I don't let many people into my close circle and I know I can call on any of them if I need anything, but I don't have anyone who's in daily contact with me. Life is busy...people have their own things...I have my own things...not to mention I don't know any different. I grew up coming home to an empty house after school as my mom was at school/working. In college, I was surrounded by friends as I lived on campus and was extra social. Now, I have one roommate who isn't really in my 'circle' and we're on extremely different schedules.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of how to make CA feel like home. I'm also faced with the challenge of what I'm going to do to treat those actually living on the streets with respect. The ladies and I talked about some different things that I'm checking into. Maybe interacting with the homeless and showing them love will not only help me see how to make CA my home, but will also show me how to love myself. Baby steps...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

What are the rules for NaBloPoMo?

Am I still in the game if I make sure I post 30 times in 30 days? Or are the rules 1 post per day? Either way, I've got some major catching up to do.

Part of the reason I've been slacking is that I've had friends in from out of town since last week. It's so good to have the 4 of them here. These are people who I'm sure will be friends for the rest of my life. They're each amazing in their own ways and I love each of them dearly.

They couldn't have come at a better time as I have truly been in depression mode lately (if you couldn't tell). With being put to a commission only contract (meaning, I'm not guaranteed any money and don't really know how much I'll make off any events I'm coordinating) I haven't felt like doing much of anything, not to mention I'm a little freaked about the future and money. It really has been great having them here. It's bringing sunshine to my days each time I see them.

So, we've been super busy, just hanging out, enjoying meals together, volunteering at a conference, surprising one in our group with tickets to a concert, exploring local museums, doing a wine tour and just loving life. It's been amazing!

Once things quiet down here, I'm hoping to catch up on my posts. There are lots of things I've been thinking about lately, including the circle of friendship, how we pick up traits from others to blend together into our own, why people of power don't use their power for good (and what am I doing with the power I have?) and some other things.

I've also been a slacker on reading others thoughts, but don't worry...I'm planning on a good day of catching up, commenting and getting some thoughts out of my own. Until then...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Is this really my life?

Last night, multiple times, I was struck with the thought, "Is this really my life? How'd I get here??" Wait, wait...seeing as you can't interpret tone via blogpost, let me explain, this is a GOOD question being asked. :D I'm realizing more and more how awesome the people are I've met since moving to CA a few months ago. For instance:

  • The food and wine critic who is helping me coordinate a day of wine tastings for my friends on the super cheap. She's hooked me up with AWESOME info and even a VIP tasting at one of the wineries.

  • The people who are opposed to Prop 8; gay, straight, and everything in between. Lots of people are passionate about this and it's inspiring!

  • People who have such influence that when they share a link of something they found interesting on the internet, that site crashes due to how many people immediately go check it out. WHOA!

  • People I can be absolutely honest with about crap going on in life and can give it to me straight...tell me if I'm being whiney or help me see another side!

  • A multitude of people who are passionate about life and what they're doing.

I really am loving life today and am looking forward to brunch, fun, sun and good times. Hope you have a great day as well. What are you looking forward to today?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Act my age, not my shoe size

Last night, I had the chance to hang out with another female doing similar work and within the same circle. We have mutual friends and have seen each other at events, but last night we actually had a chance to chat a bit. Was a great time getting to know her better. (Gaw--this sounds like a date or something. It totally wasn't.)

Anyways, we asked the "How old are you" question and come to find out we're the same age, (31, in case you're wondering). However, she thoughts I was 25-ish. I thought she was maybe 28 or 29. This has caused me to think a lot about how I'm acting and how I want people to perceive me.

Growing up, I was the 'mature' one of the group and I credit being an only child for that quality. I've been recognized as a leader for most of my life and am comfortable doing what I do without thinking much about what others think about me. But I'm at a point in my life that I think it's time to grow up; to be an adult.

When I compare myself to my new friend (which I don't often do), I see her classiness and my ordinariness. I see her composure, while I see my goofiness. Even reflecting on this and how things were last night, it hurts. I didn't do anything to make me not want to show my face ever again, but I didn't project myself as the 31-year-old successful woman I am.

Don't get me wrong...this doesn't mean that I can't have fun anymore. I can't go that far. ;) It's just a different type of fun. I feel like I need to calm down a bit when I'm in public situations and present myself in a better way. I'm making a reputation as the 'fun' girl, but I want to be the 'classy, pulled together, composed' WOMAN.

I honestly wonder what it would be like to go back 5-7 years with the knowledge I have now and how I would do things differently. Not that I have regret, but I think I could shape myself a little better to become what I'm hoping to mold into.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

My mom must've known

I usually call my mom on Sundays but didn't want to this week, so I didn't. Why didn't I want to talk to her? Because I'd have to tell her that I was back into job searching and am not sure what to do.

She called tonight...she must've known.

I answered and decided I had to tell her. I'm still working, but the pay has been cut significantly, meaning I'll have to find something else to help pay the bills. She seemed OK about it and I know she wants what's best for me. I often feel like I have to put on a 'brave face' for her, at the same time, she's the one I can call and cry my heart out when my world has fallen apart and I don't know what to do about it.

I love my mom, but we have such a weird relationship. I should really try harder with her, to make sure she knows I love her and think about her.

I love you mom.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This is my FIRST post for today

Pay no attention to what the time stamps says, this is my first post today. The previous post was before midnight PST, but my Blogger settings showed I was in CST. BOOO!

So yes, I voted. It took less time to vote than t did to walk to the polling place 2 blocks away. Was a little ticked that they didn't ask for identification when I checked in. I could've been anyone. Disturbing, really.

Everyone's talking about how there are more people voting in this election than ever before. This is a big day! After I voted, I got home to find out that a friend had been 'outted' by a 'friend' on a public social network that he was voting for McCain. He made mention of it at lunch and this 'friend' decided to publicly post who he was voting for. Wouldn't have been a huge deal (besides the fact that it wasn't the 'friends' right to share that info with the world), but come to find out that my friend was getting threatening emails because of who he voted for. What?!?! He says he's had over 70 negative/threatening interactions because of who he voted for. (We work within the social networking community, so everyone knows everything about what's going on!)

This really makes me sad and mad all at the same time. Yes, each party wants THEIR candidate to win, but really...threatening someone because of who they voted for? Way out of line. We're adults people and should act like it. Is that so hard?

Bottom line is it doesn't matter who you voted for, as long as you voted! I really hope that no matter who is our President elect tomorrow morning that there is no violence. For once, we need to come together as a country and be united. Seriously!

Daylight savings time screwed me over!

I looked at my post from yesterday and it's stamped as today. No, no, no...it was completed by midnight PST on Sunday. I think maybe my time zone is still listed as central which may be the problem. Anyways...I did post yesterday.

Today's been a weird day. I'm in the process of a job hunt, kinda, as my current job just put me to commission only due to the economy. I'm fine with staying on and doing work with them as it's a great opportunity, but I've got to make some real money too. There are a few good leads of companies that rock with positions that could be fun, but I haven't updated the resume yet. Need to do that as most of these places ask for one. I even got word that the company of my dreams has a position open that I'd love to do. It's a small step back from what I'm doing now but I'm sure it could grow into something freakishly amazing. This company is AWESOMESAUCE to the max and I interact with it everyday. I plan to update that resume first thing in the morning and kick it on over, probably before I even vote!

Which leads me to the big election tomorrow. I am very excited about what's to come. I'll say it, I think and hope Obama wins, partially because I think Palin is a horrible option for VP. Obama has a spark to him. He's very charismatic, unlike McCain, and I think he'll do some good for the country. I've heard friends say things like, "Obama makes me proud to be an American again." That's good stuff. Is Obama the right person for office? Not totally, but I think he's the best option on the ballot.

I really hope people take the time to vote tomorrow. I often feel like "Who am I...just one person. Is my vote really going to matter?" and then I'm reminded that just over 500 votes (or something like that) last year won Bush the presidency. That's a small margin.

Whoever comes into office, my greater hope is that the country will support them 100%. I can't stand people who for 4 (or 8) years say "Well, I didn't vote for 'em." This is the President of the United States we're talking about, people. He's our leader...trying to do what's right for the millions of us who call this place home. Realize too, he doesn't make the decisions alone and has a team of advisors. So anytime he makes a decision that you don't approve of, remember that he's not a lone ranger.

So just do it. Vote. And educate yourself on the local politics as those should matter even more as they affect you more. :) Yes we can!

Monday, November 3, 2008

"If I saw myself the way other people see me..."

"...I wouldn't be nearly so self-conscious and insecure."

These are words put out into the universe from a friend. As I read them I thought, 'Wow--I most definitely could have said this same thing.'

Being an over-achiever and a perfectionist is possibly the worst combination ever. To me, nothing is ever perfect and there's always room for improvement. When people tell me how great a job I'm doing, I immediately think they're just blowing smoke up my butt and don't believe them. I have raving recommendations from people, but that doesn't boost my confidence that I'm doing a good job.

Why am I so skeptical of my work? Why do I not believe what others tell me? Do I really think that every person who tells me 'good job' is lying to me? I know I don't tell people 'good job' when I don't think they did a good job and usually offer some suggestions/feedback on how to improve. If they rocked the world, I definitely tell them and make it genuine.

I've done some thinking this weekend and am trying to believe what people are saying about me (well, at least the good things!) I'm going to have to over the next few months in order to survive as the economy is making an impact in my life.

So, to get the ball rolling, let me list a few truths about myself that I DO believe:
* I'm passionate about what I do
* I make sure details are taken care of
* Hospitality is my forte. I love making people feel welcomed!
* I'm creative and can problem solve with the best of 'em
* I would rather put others needs before mine

What do people tell you about yourself that you don't believe? Why do you find it hard to believe?

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Do you know what Nov 1 means?

NaBloPoMo starts today (thanks for the reminder FreeAndFlawed). What does that mean? 30 posts in 30 days. I'm actually excited about this as I really have things I need to take time to think about and blogging is my way of doing that. (I seriously sound like a broken record and say this ALL. THE. TIME!)

I've been thinking a lot lately about making this blog known. Only a handful of my friends know about it. So few I could count on one hand. However, I think there's something to be said about being transparent with those in my life. On the other hand, I don't know that I want everyone and their dog knowing what's going on, which makes it nice that people who know me don't know about it. Such a debate. Any thoughts on this from anyone??? I've thought about starting a public blog, just to keep private and public separate.

I anticipate the next 30 days of blogging to help me see my strengths, especially in work, as well as the areas I need to work on and making strides in becoming a better person. If you're participating in NaBloPoMo, what are your goals over the next 30 days?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Back home...

I've been traveling since my last post. How foolish of me to think I'd blog while on the road. There's no way I could've done that as I look back on all that happened.

The first trip was business and was OK. It was a great opportunity to really put my 30-day challenge to work and I failed. The first night, a major party, I only wanted to talk to the people I knew and hang out with them. It was hard for me to really get out there and chat with new people. The more I think about it, the more I think part of it has to do with my lack of knowledge about the space I'm in. There's so much happening in this community and it's constantly changing. It's overwhelming, to be honest... And while we're being honest, I can also say I just am not interested in maintaining more and more contacts, names and 'friends'. That's the other part of not wanting to meet new people. My contact list is already so overwhelming.

The second trip was a little of business and a lot of pleasure, in more ways than one. Work part of the trip went well, though balancing time between work and fun is always hard when traveling. The people I visited are great. I needed to see them again as I'm always inspired by each of them. They're genuinely amazing people. We had lots of fun as a group...I always enjoy life more when I'm with them.

There were some shenanigans that happened that I wasn't expecting, at least not to the level we took it too. I think getting two people together who have been flirting long-distance for a few weeks could only mean trouble, but fun trouble. Or as he called it before I arrived, "beautiful disaster." It was definitely beautiful and not necessarily disaster, though not right either. Funny thing is, I don't regret it and am happy it happened. I care deeply for this guy and think he's amazing. If nothing comes from this...I'm OK with that. I actually am not expecting anything to come from this. If this same thing happened a few months ago, I'd be a freakin' wreck over-analyzing things right now. Maybe I needed this in order to move forward in my way of thinking about relationships and having fun.

I think I'm moving forward/growing up just a bit. There's much more to learn and I'm ready...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I need a routine

Lately, I've felt very scatterbrained. In my work, in my personal life, in everything really.

Seeing as I work whenever I want, and sometimes from home, I don't usually set an alarm and just wake up whenever. This tends to be between 7am and 8am on most mornings and I usually have the laptop open by 8am. I then catch up on facebook/twitter feeds from the evening before and then check out emails. I don't have an official 'start time' for work...it just kinda happens.

Throughout the day, I try to keep up with emails and take phone calls as they come in. I've been pretty bad about not making a list of what needs to happen. I'm coming into a season where I have multiple things going on and really need to stay on top of it all. When I don't get things down on paper, it's not a good thing. I know I waste time this way and can't prioritize what needs to happen.

Don't even get me started on how my personal life is getting neglected due to my lack of routine. Things like paying bills, getting birthday presents sent off, calling my parents, doing laundry, grocery shopping, are all forgotten about on a regular basis. They aren't a priority for me. I've even noticed lately that I'm putting less effort into my appearance when I go out. That's NOT good!

I need to get my butt in gear and get this in order. Life is way too short to continue lolly gagging. I feel like I don't have purpose or direction. I'm just 'doing' life. I'm not really 'living' life.

I've decided and am almost ready to give life my 100% undivided attention for a month. I want to get my life in order, do good and help others as much as I can, get out there and meet new people (both personally and professionally) and be completely open to interactions with men, including accepting offers for dates (if any come my way) and doing the asking (if need be--was recently told that because of my work position and the tech community, I may have to be the asker. Scary!)

Yep...I leave tomorrow for a big work trip to Vegas. I'm embracing this new month-long challenge right now and am ready to 'live life' for the next 30 days. I will not compromise my beliefs or morals and I will not shy away from the challenge. And yes, it will be challenging. In order to hold myself accountable, I'll even commit to blogging for the next 30 days about my adventures. *Now I'm just talking crazy talk...*

Anyone else up for creating your own 30-day challenge to go alongside mine? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller???

Day 1 starts tomorrow...no really.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Social media is changing my identity

I try to keep info here pretty vague as I don't want people to 'discover' me, but I'll give up a little more information. I work in the social networking scene. Granted, I'm behind the scenes on things, until people figure out who I work for.

Part of my job this summer included traveling around to different cities and hosting events. It was a blast and I really enjoyed it. I wish I had had more of an opportunity to meet people. Wait...I mean really MEET people. Not the 'elevator pitch' of who people are (which is almost always answered with what they do, not who they are), but who they REALLY are. *sorry for all the caps, trying to emphasize here...*

OK, I'm already babbling, so here is my point...I'm on twitter and facebook and myspace (though I never use it). However, lately, I'm really having to censor what I say or put out there due to the people who are following me. People associate me with the company I work for at all times, so I feel like I have to be careful in that aspect too. Even if something is coming from me, personally...people see me as a representative of my company and tie it back to them. You'd think I'd know how to handle this by now as I was in the same positions in high school with being captain of pom team, college with being VP of my sorority, etc.

I'm not a public person. I'm actually pretty private and let very few people know the 'real' me. Lately, though, I feel like I'm having to be more social and act like I want to get to know people, when in all honesty, I'm happy with those who are in my current circle and don't really want to expand it. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like meeting new people, it's just becoming very overwhelming when people assume I want to hang out all the time and send me invites and call, etc. to do things.

Lately I've felt like I've been living in a world with a censor button. Things I would normally tweet, I don't, because I know who's reading. Even on this blog, I've been very hesitant to get back into it because I wonder if N (the old partner) may be reading it. Which, when I think about it, is pretty silly because he wants nothing to do with me.

I've debated starting a Facebook and a Twitter that's personal, to separate out from the business stuff, but don't want to maintain two accounts. Actually, that would be four. Wow-- Trying to find a good balance between my personal life and work life, which is becoming more public. Hopefully I can find a decent middle ground to land on.

Monday, September 1, 2008

So much to say

It's been 3+ weeks since I've posted and that wasn't even a great post. Yes, I've been busy, but that's not why I haven't posted. Let's be real honest...it has more to do with avoiding issues than anything else. I've debated how to tackle all that's happened, but I think the best option right now will be to bullet point and then go back and do separate posts, digging deeper into it all. Let's get started, shall we?

  • Relationships--this is such a F'd up area in my life. Has been for many years and will continue for many more. At least that's how I feel now. Last time I posted, I wrote about a developing crush. Update--I put it all out there, told him I'd like to do something--just the two of us--and he said he'd really like that and that we should. He then asked if I just asked him out on a date. I said, "Yes, because you wouldn't step up to do it." I may have castrated him at that point. That was 2 weeks ago yesterday and we've yet to do anything. This deserves an entire post devoted to it...but let's say that I think I blew it.

  • Work--still amazing, though recently have had some rough spots. Wasn't sure what my spot really was with the company, but after talking with the CEO, he's confirmed that he wants me around and that issues I'm having aren't from my side. Hearing this has really encouraged me to step up to the plate and take control of what I've been hired to do.

  • Getting settled in--I'm now officially a Californian resident and have license plates and a drivers license to prove it! Now that I'm closer to San Francisco, I'm going into the city more and more often, not only for fun, but also for work. Actually, those two tend to become one most of the time. Which leads me to...

  • Social life--Do I have one of these? I'm trying to figure out how to separate work/personal life, but it's hard as I haven't branched out of my work circle as of yet. Everything I do has to do with those within that work network, even if it's just hanging out. I'm very careful about who I let know me...I mean REALLY know me (and if you're reading this and know my first name, you should feel special!) This leads me to...

  • Being someone I'm not--Because of the recent 'spotlight' I've been in, due to my job, I'm meeting more and more people and am going out more and more. I feel like I'm being someone I'm not, for the sake of the job. I need to get out and meet people, but my gosh--I'm going to need a new liver soon! I have been drinking more and more (not out of control, but 3-5 nights a week, which is more than I'm used to!) I'm really trying to figure out how to meet people I'm supposed to (and that I want to) for the job without becoming 'the party girl.' I think I need to take a step or two back for a while. Yes, I know I can go to events and not drink, which is easy for me to do, but it's still the factor of going to events/parties to meet people, which seems to be the thing to do within the community I'm working with.

  • Feeling alone--I've always been independent and am OK on my own, but recently have had feelings of abandonment. The sad thing is that I think this is just as much my fault as anyone else's. I get so tired of reaching out to my parents, trying to maintain that relationship that I just don't anymore. They're really all I have that's guaranteed in my life right now and I shouldn't take it for granted. The relationship between my biological father and myself has been strained since the divorce, but with my mom/step-dad...it's been taken to a whole new level, even more so since I moved to CA. Again, an entire post on this will need to be written soon.

  • Cliche's--"It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all." Really? Wondering if I'll ever get a chance to experience the other side to 'never loving.' Was out with some girlfriends (and a guy friend) and was told "You're beautiful, smart, funny, and with all the guys you're working with, you'll be dating in no time." If only it was that easy. :-/ Was once told that I put off a "I don't want to date ANYONE" vibe and now wondering if that's really true. My theory is that I intimidate guys, however, when I asked the guy in bullet point one if I intimidated him, he replied "No, not at all." Which then makes me wonder "What the F* is wrong with me??!?!??!"

  • Dinner with the ladies--Met with some amazing women a week ago for a great dinner and conversation. The question of the evening was if we were happy with where we were right now. I don't know how to answer that question..which is OK, or is it? Another separate post on this to come...

  • Losing my religion--I'm so far away from God right now, which was a base in my life for so long. Things are even harder now that I'm away from my community of believers, even though I was struggling with them anyways. I go back and forth between wanting to come back and not giving a crap. I still believe God exists, that's not even a question. I've been told that doubting and questioning is a good place to be when it comes to faith as it will only deepen what I believe in. May be a while before I'm ready to tackle this one.

I think that's a good list to get started with. I'm ready for the hard core, honest truth here...so comment with your thoughts, DM or Email me (if you know that info) and lay it on me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the deal is with my life. I've had overwhelming feelings of just giving up (no, I don't want to kill myself--it's not that bad!) If I could just sit back and watch life pass me by for a while, I think I might. Not sure I could do that without becoming a loser, so I guess I'll just keep on truckin'.

I really want to tackle this list with individual posts soon...I've missed you all. Plans to catch up on my reading after a quick shower. ;)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Listen to what he DOES...

I've been so delinquent lately on posting and I apologize. I blame it partially on the fact that there have been some major things happen over the past few weeks (no...I don't have a NEW job!) I also blame it on avoiding things I don't want to deal with or think about. Same old story, right?

Last time I checked in, the topic was dating and how there was a major lack in my life of it. Interesting enough, there's someone who has caught my eye, but I'm afraid I may be reading too much in to things. The basics:

1. As I mentioned, I've been traveling for my job lately. He's been traveling with us as well. However, it wasn't until 2 weeks into being on the road that I even realized he was there.
2. The first night I really noticed him, there were a few flirtations between us, with him initiating. Cute. ;)
3. He walked me home to my hotel as we had both been drinking with a group. Not sure how he and I ended up together at the end of the night. Seems like it just happened that we were the last two there. I made the "goodbye" quick and headed for the elevators before there was a chance for anything to happen. *I'm so stupid sometimes!*
4. After one of our events, he walked back with me to my hotel so I could drop supplies off before meeting up with everyone. As we took a little break in the hotel room, I asked him what he had enjoyed so far during the trip we had been on. He looked at me and said, "Spending time with you...right now. Hearing your stories." I couldn't tell if he was serious or not.
5. We went out to meet up with everyone and couldn't find them. We ended up at a local bar, talking all night. He asked me what my favorite part of our trip had been and I said, "Right now...spending time with you." His response? "Stop it..can you tell I'm blushing?" *he really was*
6. He walked me back to my hotel, but he was the one who left quickly this time.
7. In the next city, we met up with a group of people, briefly chatted, sat next to each other at the bar...was a little awkward.
8. The last time I saw him, he accidentally dumped my food on the floor. He was very embarrassed and kept saying he was. I told him it wasn't a big deal. He left soon after that happened.

He did offer to show me around San Francisco and take me to a baseball game, but as someone much wiser than I said, "Listen to what he DOES, not what he SAYS." This has really screwed with my head as now I feel like I'm playing games and waiting on him to make a move. Argh! I hate being in that position. Honestly, for all I know, he's dating someone. I do know there's someone else interested in him in the extended circle of friends that we share.

Mixed signals make for a confused me! I'd love to just ask him out on a date, but am scared that may take things a little too far, too fast. I'm sure we'll see each other again at some point, but am so impatient that waiting is killing me. ;)

Oh the drama of what I call my life. I *heart* it.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

One month later...

Wow--I've missed out on blogging and was recently reminded by someone asking where I've been that it's been a while. So sorry. =( Life's been busy, but very good.

1. I recently moved. Still in the Bay area, but closer and I love it! My roommate will arrive (with all of her furniture) in a week or so. Can't wait to really get settled into CA life.
2. I'm traveling quite a bit for my job right now. We're hosting events in 7 different cities across the U.S. and are having a blast. We just had event 4 last night and event 5 is Saturday night.
3. As always, I've had quite a few thoughts running through my mind that I've been ignoring...claiming that I've been 'too busy' to really think and deal with them. May be time to start confronting those soon.

I had dinner with a friend tonight and as we walked to the car, she asked me why I wasn't dating anyone. I always hate that question because the answer I give in my head is along the lines of "I guess I'm not good enough for anyone." Talk about a damn confidence boost, right?

What kind of question is that, really? Are there people who DON'T want to be in a relationship? I mean, don't people want someone to share life with? I do and I have for a long time, but, nada-nothing-zilch. My answer was something to the effect that there hasn't been interest from anyone. She laughed at me, which again boosted my confidence.

Maybe I have an idea of a guy that doesn't exist and therefore am blind to other opportunities. Maybe it's that guys are intimidated by my independence and see me as unapproachable in a dating way. Maybe I'm just not datable material. Who knows. If I did, I'd have tried to do something about it by now.

I think maybe I've given up. This is always such a touchy subject for me and even brings tears to my eyes as I type because the hurt is buried so deep. I try to smile and shrug it off..."Oh, he's out there--waiting for him to find me." and "I'm can't date anyone right now because I'm so busy!" Excuses, excuses, excuses. The ones I'm interested in are never interested back or can't step up to the plate and make a move.

I was asked the other day if I was thinking about kids and if I wanted them. I'm getting up there in age and don't really have a desire to have kids right now. But I think that's because I don't want to do the kids thing until I'm married so until I'm even close to that...there's nothing to think about. I know...I don't have to be married to have kids, but that's the way I want it, so for me...that's the way I roll.

Dating...the pain in my ass and thorn in my side. There are 14 year olds who have more dating experience than I do. Wow--that's just pathetic, but I guess the truth hurts sometimes, huh?

Alright...rambling here and nothing really special in this post. Need to pack to head on to the next city tomorrow and finish up some work. I hope to write more often, but don't hold me to that. ;)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Where am I again?

As I drove home from San Francisco last night, I had a hard time believing that I was really 'living' in California. I've never dreamt about making my way west, yet here I am. I've been here now for 2 months, but it doesn't feel like it's been that long or that I'm settling in. I think I've really been holding back on a lot of things due to the issue that the plan was to be in one place for 3 months and then move as my new roommate moved out to the area (which is now happening in a few weeks).

As much as I hate moving, I really can't wait for this to happen. I think it will allow me to FINALLY get settled in. I'm living out of my bedroom right now. I've barely used the kitchen because all of my stuff is still packed. The house I'm in, with 3 guys, is great, but it's just not my 'style.'

The new move will allow me to be much, much closer to things happening in San Francisco, which means building more meaningful relationships. First off, the culture I'm working in is mostly male. I usually prefer guys as friends over gals (less drama!), but I'm really needing some girl time. There are two ladies that I've connected with, but it's sometimes hard to get all of us together as schedules are crazy busy. With the new company I'm working with, my 'shit radar' is trying to tune in more with who is genuine and who isn't. A lot of people will try to 'friend' me only for the reason of who I work for. I don't need or want those type of friends.

Once I make the move, I can see myself branching out to getting involved in more community things. I checked out a church a few weeks ago and enjoyed it, kinda. I just don't want to plant somewhere until I'm settled into my home first. I definitely need to find some 'non-tech' related things as right now, my entire world is tech which means I'm feeling more and more OK with working all the time as I have nothing else to do right now. That's definitely not healthy and I need to break that habit.

All in all, I'm loving life and work. There are pieces missing that I hope will start to fall into place in the next 2 months or so. May need a little push from the blog world in holding me to getting out more once the move is complete. Think you can help with that? ;)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Hello? Remember me???

Yes, I'm back. It's been way too long and I know that I've been avoiding blogging because I've been avoiding issues at hand. That and I've been swamped with work! *This is actually something that isn't bothering me...more about that in a second.*

Because it's late, and I don't think I'm ready to jump into a 'deep thoughts' post, I'll give some tidbits to chew on:

  • The funk of the past few months is lifting. Crazy thought, but I really think it's due to someone not being in my life anymore. I feel bad saying that, but I think there was definitely some correlation between my funk and him as it all started happening shortly after we met and started working together. Honestly, I think I was trying to be something I wasn't and something he wanted all at the same time. Don't ask me why I was trying to be something he wanted. I look back now and shake my head in shame. He's a great guy...but not for me.

  • Holy crap--my birthday is next week. I'm not as excited about this as I usually am. I don't think it has to do with the 'getting older' factor, but more with the "I'm in a new place and don't know what I want to do for my birthday" thing. I have a list of people who want to get together and celebrate with me (which is awesome!) but trying to find the right thing that suits everyone as we're all spread out (at least an hour between me and the farthest people). Bowling? Dinner and drinks? Piano bar for sing along time? Giants game? Ohhh...decisions, decisions!

  • I'm ready to move again. Yes, I've only been here 6 weeks and the plan has been for me to move in August since I've been here, but I'm ready to do it now. I'm ready to really get settled in, to have my space, and to be closer to the city. I'm looking at places over the next week to see what works best for me and the girl moving out this way. Wish me luck!

  • The new job is so amazing! In so many ways, it's similar to the previous gig (working from home, mostly on my own, planning events, lots of email, etc.) but at the same time...it's so much different. My opinions and ideas are actually valued. I've been given control of events (she decides when we do it.) and have been rocking out with getting sponsorships for the events we're planning right now. My title changed just 1.5 weeks after I started and there's talk of some major things within the next few months. It's funny, I don't know 'tech/web' stuff (and I've made that known to my boss), but because I love to strategize and plan, I'm being brought in on some major conversations. I feel more and more valued as a person and am being appreciated for my input, which is a complete 180 from the other job.

  • I got out today for a light jog (my left knee has been killing me, so I'm not pushing it). It was a beautiful day! I'd forgotten what it was like to be outside, with the sun and fresh air. It was great. I'm making plans to work out more and even bought 2 new bikinis the other day. I've dropped 3-4 dress sizes over the past 10 months to a year. Amazing! I feel so good about myself now and am excited to tone up.

All in all, life is great. So much better than where I was when I got here. Even though things didn't turn out the way I thought they were going to, I think this has been better than I could've imagined.

Looking forward to posting more frequently. ;)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Am I avoiding blogging?

Yeah, a little. There's a lot floating around that I'm not ready to deal with, so I'm just not blogging right now.

The new job is good. I'm getting into it a bit more and have had some great talks with the team about what's to come. It really is exciting to think I'm going to be a part of all of this.

On the other hand, I still hurt about leaving the other job. Just tonight, i got really sad and upset. I'm getting closer to being ready to speak my mind and my heart to him, just not yet. Maybe a few more days...but I can feel i'm getting closer.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I'm being erased

And it hurts. I'm on the verge of tears and can feel the panic rising in my chest. I made an effort today to contact n (the former boss/partner/teammate and former friend). I needed to drop some business stuff off at his place and sent him a text letting him know I was headed over. Our normal arrangement was for me to leave things in the mailbox and not even see him, so that part didn't feel too weird, but knowing the circumstances that this may be the last time I'm at his house was hard. As I walked away, the tears welled up in my eyes (as they are now).

He's removed me from websites, shared documents and who knows what else. I'm not surprised as I know he's hurt. I just wonder if he'll hold a grudge for the rest of his life or if he'll forgive me. I think it may the first option as he mentioned the other day that an ex was in touch with him and he wanted nothing to do with her...what would it benefit him. I can see the same thing happening.

I've already met some people through the new job that I want to get in touch with him, but don't know that he'd appreciate it. Honestly, I don't feel like he ever appreciated me. And now I wonder if we were really just friends because of the work relationship. A close friend of his told me that was the case and the more I think I about it, I wonder if it's true. I have a habit of seeing the good in people, believing in them and trusting that they're genuine. Now I wonder if I was blinded by what I thought was true. Then again, I wonder if I'm trying to believe that so I can be mad at him...thus making the situation a bit more bearable.

People are telling me I made the right move to the new company, but I know how much this has hurt n and disappointed him. because of that, I hurt that i disappointed someone. That's the last thing I've ever wanted to do.

No matter how much he erases me, i'll never erase him and hope we can reconcile things someday. =(

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

And from out of left field...

I have a new job. What?!?! Didn't I just move to CA for another job? Yeah, I did. And it was good, for the most part. Not entirely what I had expected or hoped for. Definitely had some major things to work through to try to make the working relationship better between my *damn, I don't even know what to call him...boss, partner, teammate?*

I still don't know what to think about all of this. It really did come out of left field as I wasn't looking for a new job. These people came to me and wanted something to happen fast. I met the CEO on Saturday and was offered a job on Sunday. Tried to offer a solution of doing both jobs, kinda part-time and they were OK with maybe doing that for 6 months, but then i'd have to decide one way or the other. There really wasn't going to be a way to do both jobs well in only part of the time. When I talked to my *boss, partner, teammate*, I ultimately had to make a decision. In the end, I hurt him bad. So bad that we're not friends anymore as he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I'm not a cold, hearted bitch and the decision hurts me as well. I can't believe that I've lost a friend through this. Someone who I've shared deep thoughts with. Someone who I connected with unlike most others. Someone I'm sure could've been a lifelong friend. But I couldn't let the thought of losing this friendship keep me from moving into a better position (from my point of view. He even told me that the better option for me was to probably take the new job.)

Someone told me it's best not to work with friends and I believe that 100%. Yes, you can be friends with those you work with, but working with those you're friends with is a little different and more difficult. We agreed a long time ago that we'd be 'friends first' and 'business second' and I hope someday we can get back to that. I completely understand why he's hurt, not that that makes anything better. I let him down as he had faith in me and trusted me. I'm sad that my passion for his vision died out enough that something else looked better. I'm very, very sorry that I've hurt him as bad as I have and I hope someday he'll be able to forgive me.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

You've lost that lovin' feeling....

Ok, so it's not a 'lovin' feeling' I've lost, but I've lost something and it's sent me on a roller coaster of emotions. I have no idea what the freak is going on, but I'm just not excited about the new job. At least not on the surface. I can feel a little spark, deep down inside that is screaming "I'm still here!!! Don't give up on me and let me out, will ya?!"

Working relationship has been extremely strained the past few weeks, mostly because of me. Wait, I'll be honest, it's almost all because of me. *n--i'm sure you're floored by this admission, though not surprised.* Every time we're working together, my bad attitude sneaks up and rears it's ugly head. When it happens, I'm often embarrassed and can't pinpoint what the hell just happened to set it off. This frustrates me to no end.

I have every reason to be excited about this. It's an amazing opportunity and I'm meeting phenomenal people who are excited about what they're doing. So often lately, I feel like I'm having to fake my enthusiasm and I shouldn't have to. It's there, i just need to find it and let it run wild, the way it used to a few months ago before I was in CA.

I'm pissed off that I'm acting this way. I'm scared that I've 'lost that feeling' and won't be able to find it again. I'm embarrassed that I allow it to come out so often. I'm confused as to why this has gotten so hard. I'm sad that the excitement isn't there the way it used to be.

I don't' know what to do. Wait, I think I know what I should do...throw myself completely into the job for a bit. Now's as good a time as any as I have very few distractions (*translation--I don't know many people in the area yet who would interfere with work) and there's definitely lots to keep me busy. We've got great events on the schedule and amazing people to work with...I just need to do it.

Word of encouragement are greatly appreciated at this point as I need all the cheerleading I can get. =\

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Time to move on

Well, I've made the move. It's over and I'm here. Whew! I thought it would never come. Still getting settled in a bit...boxes to unpack, bank accounts to set up, grocery stores to get familiar with, areas to learn, car registration/drivers license to get, salon/spa to find (I need my hair cut soon), nearest gym, test out bars to find the one that feels best for those nights I need to get out and just want a drink. You know...the basics.

I've signed up for a few meetups in the area, hoping to meet some new people. I even checked out churches online last night, but am not ready to do that yet. I can't even tell you the last time I was in a church. Maybe that's what's been missing the past few months. Something to think about....

I'm actually excited to get to know the area and to make it 'home'. This will come in time as the job is the focus right now. I'm realizing it's not going to be as easy as I thought. The tasks aren't the hard part, it's realizing my place in the whole thing that's making it hard. I'm having to learn my boss' way of doing things and that right now, my place is to make it happen, which means less input from my end. This is proving to be difficult for both of us. We've had a few talks about it and I'm hoping things will get better/easier soon.

For the past few months, I've been telling people about this thing I'm moving to CA to do and how passionate about it I am. For some reason, that passion is missing right now. I can't find it. I can't figure out what I'm passionate about anymore. This, too, is not helping my working relationship with my boss. Honestly, his passion isn't all there either, so let's just add that to the list of 'what's wrong with our working relationship?'

This past week has been difficult, which I hope has mostly to do with being in a new place, having friends in town and trying to get situated. Yesterday was downright horrible. I haven't cried that much in a long time. Long story, but I've had to depend on someone for financial help and I don't like being in that situation. I'm very independent and to lose that independence makes me very needy/dependent. That's not how I like to be and it's hard. It doesn't help being in a new place and having very limited resources for help. My boss is the last person I want to depend on in this way, but I had to as I had no other options. Even the thought of it now brings tears to my eyes. It's a reminder for where I am in life and how often I fail at taking care of myself. It hurts and I wonder where I went wrong and why I can't/aren't doing a better job.

So, it's time to move on...from the hurt and pain of this weekend, to dig to find something I'm passionate about in the job and hold onto it for dear life and to welcome being in a new place. It's a new chapter of my life, which means a fresh start. Or at least it should...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Break down

I'm on the edge of a breakdown. It just needs to happen so I can get it out and move on. However, it's been over 2 weeks since I've been in a place where I could do this. My best friend goes home tomorrow, which will allow me some 'alone' time, kind of. The new living situation (with 3 others) doesn't really allow me to have 'alone' time either. I guess I can just shut the door to my room for privacy. Or maybe in the car as soon as I drop the Best Friend off at the airport. Yeah...that's probably what's going to happen. =(

I could feel the tears coming yesterday. I'm realizing that the new job is very different than the old job. Not that that's bad, but it's just going to take some adjusting. I felt very cared for in the last job, that was the environment, people cared about each other. It's not going to be the same with the new job. There's still caring, but completely different. I think I need to lower my expectations and not hope for the same level that I had at my last job.

I need to find something of my own to be passionate about. Something that excites me about the job. It's not what I imagined, but I think/hope that it's because it's new and I'm on the learning curve. Once I get the hang of things, I hope it'll be easier and more fun...I really hope this is the case.

Enjoying CA so far. Hard to believe I'm here.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Identity crisis

Today's been weird. Wait, the past 2 months have been weird. I haven't felt like myself. However, I haven't really taken time to focus on what the issues have been because life has been moving at lightning speed. I've been focused on other things...other people... But now that things are getting back to normal, meaning one job, not thinking about moving (well, I am moving again in 3 months, but within the same city), etc., I'm hoping the 'normal' me will come back.

I had dinner with my dad and step-mom tonight. We don't really have a relationship. I haven't seen either of them in 2 years and barely talk to either of them. As I sat across from my dad at dinner, I realized how different we are. This made me wonder how similar I am to my mom. I'm not. Which lead me to the point of an identity crisis.

I'm an only child, so I can't compare myself to any siblings. I'm nothing like my dad. He's into sci-fi, irish music and Bigfoot (no, really!). I wonder if I had spent more time with him as a child if I'd share some of his interests. I don't know that it would've. I'm also nothing like my mom. She's into collectibles, reading (which I really wish I did more of) and history.

I don't feel like I belong in my family at times, but don't know where I belong. I often feel like I'm drifting through life on my own...as if I've been abandoned. Nine times out of ten, I'm the one calling my parents. They don't call me. I'm the one going to visit them...they don't come see me. I get tired of putting forth the effort, but feel obligated to do so. They're my family...my parents.

I was lucky enough to have a family 'adopt' me in Madison and invite me over for Thanksgiving and Easter meals. They made sure I had an extra hand if I needed anything. They invited me over for cookouts and made sure I was taken care of. I only hope I am lucky enough to find something similar in CA. A surrogate family, which at times, is better than the family life I have.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Managing my time

Yes, I've disappeared lately. Life has been nuts and thankfully, it's starting to calm down a bit, but is now all catching up with me at the same time. I've been in survival mode lately...one thing at a time...what's more important at the moment? What can wait another day or two?

I've left the city I've lived in for 4 years and am now on a road trip out west for the new job. I'm in Oklahoma, or 'Home' as I like to call it, for the next few days. I visited the parents a few days ago in MI, which was a much needed trip and had great timing as my step-dad was taken to the hospital just a few days before I was supposed to arrive. Lots of drama with that, but he's fine...better now than he has been the past few months.

I've been caught between so many rocks and hard places lately in managing my time. I've had to finish work, find a place to live (which the first one fell through), pack, move, drive, support my mom while my step-dad was in the hospital while I was exhausted, drive some more, see friends and family, work, and find time to eat/sleep in there. My continued schedule is to drive almost 1600 miles to CA, get there in one piece, unload the car, meet my new roommates, off to dinner, get back to the new place, unpack (maybe--maybe not!), and get into a 'normal' work/life mode.

So right now, I'm caught between telling people I can't see them because I have to work. This includes my BFF I'm staying with. She's been understanding, but I hate that I'm having to ditch out on some things to see other people and in order to get work done. I'm excited about the work, which helps a lot and wish I had more time to get things done while I'm in town. I've had to take my car in to get the AC fixed, which means dealing with something unexpected, both time wise and financially. Fun, right?

I'm ready to have a breakdown and need a break. I want to be in CA already. This has been in the works since October and it's only 1 week away from happening. Surely I can hang in there for this last week, right? I haven't been able to get the work done that I need/should/want to be done due to other life things happening. I've seriously wanted to give up on the move quite a few times. To hell with it all...my stuff will find it's way to CA. Why do I have to send it there? (I know, now I'm talking crazy. I think I'm delirious!)

Alright...off to another 'meeting' with a friend, then a work phone call, then a few more hours of work, then a break for dinner/shopping with the BFF, then back to work. Thankfully, the BFF's fridge is stocked with energy drinks and I have coffee on hand. May need both of those to pull off friend/family time and work this week. Whew!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Internal struggle

When your heart and your head are in a struggle, which one should win the battle?

Head? This is the logical way of thinking. It knows what's right, has rhyme and reason and is sometimes the bully in the battle.

Heart? This is the emotional way of thinking. Often, it knows something completely unseen by the head. Some would say that the heart and the gut are cousins. My gut is mute as I usually have a heart feeling...not a gut feeling.

My head is telling me to watch out. It's actually trying to protect my heart...like a big brother. However, while the head is protecting the heart, it's not overpowering the shouting of my heart.

Grrrr....why can't these two just live in harmony?

Saturday, April 5, 2008

What I've Missed

Went to a wedding earlier today and reception tonight. Seriously considered bailing on the reception as I felt very awkward at the wedding. My own insecurities, nothing else, and so I decided to suck it up and go to the reception. Glad I did as something was sparked in me through conversations with others.

I had the opportunity to tell 4 different people about what I'm moving away to do. Usually, this would get boring and dull, but I needed it. I heard multiple times that people were excited for me and that they thought it was cool/great that I was taking a step of faith and doing something so different.

I needed that. I needed to hear my own excitement reflected from others. It helps me believe that my excitement is not fabricated. That I'm not fooling myself or lying to myself about this experience. It's real and it's happening.

I realized about 2 months ago that I had let my partner's excitement about this whole thing carry my excitement as well. I had to stop that. I couldn't let his excitement create mine, but needed to create something that I could be excited about on my own. Then, I'd have ownership and passion for what I was doing...not what he wanted me to do. I've done this and just last week started feeling that ownership and passion diminish as his thoughts and my thoughts about the job were not aligned. This was very disappointing for me.

He and I talked and have worked some things out, as we always do. We have to stop and talk things out often, but if we weren't able to do this, I don't think I'd be on this adventure. I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago. Yes, it's frustrating, exhausting and challenging, but the fruits from it all greatly outweigh those things and make it worthwhile.

I was thinking earlier today that some things I've been missing lately include my confidence, my passion for doing this and my investment in others. I feel like I've been floating through life the past 6 weeks or so and that's not what I want. I want to not only live life, but I also want to LOVE life...to make it worthwhile and do something that makes a difference. Life's been nuts lately and I'm starting to think things will be back to normalcy soon. In the meantime, I want to make sure that I'm doing as much as I can to get the old me back. She's been lost for a while...packed away somewhere...lost in the shuffle. For whatever reason, I disregarded the 'true' me and started becoming someone else that I'm not. This is the last thing I want to do and I can't wait to find those things I've missed and bring them back to life.

Friday, April 4, 2008

What dreams are made of

I woke up crying this morning because of a dream. Not a few tears, but a lot. There's a lot of interpretation that can go into dreams and I have used http://dreammoods.com to help me figure out what was going on in mine. I won't go into to the dream, but will tell you that I didn't recognize anyone in it.

1. Underpass of a bridge, but had to search for BRIDGE on Dream Moods: "Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage."

2. Shooting: "To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person." Yes, I shot someone with a gun in my dream, but I was also being shot at. It was like it was a game...hide-and-go-seek like.

3. Dying: "To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person."

4. Swiss army knife, but had to search for KNIFE: "Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship." There were two knives in my dream. One that I had and one that the person I shot had. His was broken and old, mine was newer. Both had names engraved on them, but not names that I recognized.

Wow--all 4 of these interpretations have to do with what is going on in life right now...things I don't know for sure that I want to happen, but maybe need to happen. I don't know anymore. I want to avoid the whole thing, but feel it's important to make things right and figure it all out.

Life--so exciting and yet so frustrating at the same time.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

A piece of me is missing

These past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. Something was not right this past weekend. I wasn't myself. The excitement about the event and about seeing people wasn't there. Part of it could be associated with exhaustion that was setting in. Part of it can definitely be because of the strained relationships the came to the forefront of everything this weekend.

I can't even get the words out that are in my head. They hurt too much. I'm not ready to face the issues, either, because I know my heart and my head do not agree about what I should do. I know what I want to win out, but as soon as I start dealing with this, I'm afraid that what i want won't be what I should be doing.

A piece of me disappeared this weekend, but not because of any one thing. I just hope that I can find a way to bring that piece back...and soon as I need it more than ever right now.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

I hate building thick skin

So, the conference was this weekend. Met a lot of fun people. Collected a lot of business cards and gave out 0 (I don't have any!). Venue could've been better with sound, but I think all in all it went great. Really, it was an amazing time and the feedback we got was pretty positive.

So what's this about thick skin? I let my feelings get hurt bad over something small. A question that was asked. However, it was who the question was from and what it was about that hurt.

I'm realizing that I'm responsible for my actions and reactions. Thus the statement of "I LET my feelings get hurt..." So what could I have done? Given my answer to the question asked and not thought anything about, which would mean disregarding my feelings that were trampled on. In order to do that, the skin has to thicken.

I don't like that feeling...thick skin. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let people in who I trust, which isn't many. And when it's someone I trust who hurts me, I want to bail. It's the easiest thing to do...save face...think of me and me only.

I actually told this person to stop thinking about just himself, yet isn't that what I'm doing? Or is it? At what point do you balance thinking about yourself and others? How do you make that happen?

I think I think of others first. I want to do things for others. Because of that, I'm starting to think I was out of line in my feelings; that I'm overreacting and that it shouldn't be about me. But then I wonder when do I get the chance to justify my hurt, disappointment, anger, jealousy, etc. Should those feelings ever be justified?

I don't want to lose a friend over this but have really thought about reevaluating the friendship. I wonder if I've built it up to something more than what it could/should be. Then I wonder if it's ok to do that...to challenge someone in their 'friendship' skills...to go deeper.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

What day is it?

Seriously...Monday, for a solid hour, I thought it was Tuesday. My roommate broke the news to me. Today feels like Wednesday. I've lost a day somewhere, but really, when you think about it, I've gained a day.

*sidenote...I make no promises about this post as I'm a bit delirious from well, i don't know what from...being so tired I can't see straight? Probably.*

Tomorrow's the last day at the job. Moving on to new things. My boss/mentor/friend hugged me before he left. This is very abnormal. He teared up even and told me I could call if I needed anything. That means a lot. He's taught me a lot and allowed me to reach new levels personally and professionally. He was always there to listen and advise, if I wanted it. I needed it more than I took him up on it. I'll probably post more about him another day. There's hurt deep down under the sadness about the way things have been the past few months. Issues...I always have issues. ICK!

Super pumped about the conference I've been planning this weekend. It's going to be great. A bit of anxiety over all the things still needing to be done, but it'll all happen. A lot less stressed now than the last conference I helped out on. Let's just hope I make it through the weekend.

So tired...going to bed. need sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Had to use a shovel, those issues are so deep...

Some things were stirred up yesterday that I need to deal with and I know that I've needed to face the issues for years. But I keep avoiding them. I really think I may need to see a therapist to work through because this is a whole issue bigger than I can tackle. But I don't have a need to do it right now as it pertains to something that's irrelevant in my life, sex.

As I sat in church, of all places, I began drafting the post about this in my head, which meant I was digging into the issues. And I had to stop. It was way too emotional for me. I could feel the tears coming.

To add to the emotional pain, I was sitting near the 'families with children' section at the back. That way they can sneak out if kids are crying, etc. I looked over and realized how long it's been since I've held a baby, how much I love it and then BAM--that I may never have kids of my own. Even now, that's a thought that's a little too hard to process. OK...changing subjects.

Let's see...we got more snow yesterday. But it was beautiful! Big, fluffy snow. Seriously, the flakes were almost quarter-inch. It was a whiteout at one point, which just made it more beautiful. I wanted to be covered in the snow and if I had had someone to play with, would've been outside in it...catching snowflakes on my tongue and letting them fall on my face. Amazing way to enjoy life. =)

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Not Taking Advantage

Week 9: I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of his ignorance, status, or financial straits. I forgo the change to use any charms of word, body, or mind to seduce or trick others.

Here we go with week 9 of Everyday Commitments (though it's the 13th week of the year. Ouch!) As I read the Commitment, I didn't think that it would apply much. Then I read the chapter. I don't think I take advantage of people. Quite the opposite, actually. I usually see the good in someone and want to bring that out more. I can often be blinded by the potential I see in someone, or a situation.

So what's this chapter say? Let's take a look:

  • We may notice that someone is vulnerable because she is at a low ebb, depressed, or facing a crisis, including that of financial embarrassment. This is me. My finances are an embarrassment, but I'm working on getting them in order. Going on 9 months now and I have a ways to go...

  • The practice is to come from a place of caring about others' plight, wanting to help them get back on their feet before we enter into transactions with them. We commit ourselves to look for an equal playing field. Equal playing field is always good. A double-beneficial transaction is always best!

  • Most of us have skills we use to trick or cheat others. Most of us can somehow convince others , perhaps against their will. I honestly believe this is true of everyone. I've often wondered throughout negotiations for the new job if I'm being taken advantage of or tricked. I don't believe my business partner would do that, but the question is still there and surfaces every now and then. He has a huge risk as my salary comes out of his pocket if money doesn't come in...so there are hesitations on each of our parts.

The chapter goes with talking about being honest in our dealings, showing that we care more about being authentic than what we can gain. This is something that my friends just don't understand about my working relationship with my partner. We are very open and honest with each other and it works for us. This is why, even though the salary talk has been brutal, offensive, lower than what I wanted, and taken all the way until the 11th hour (we still haven't 100% agreed to something. We have until Wednesday), our openness and honesty has overshadowed that. My friends think I'm being taken advantage of, that I could be making more, which I could, but I wouldn't be doing this amazing opportunity that I'm so excited about. The honesty we share is priceless.

The last sentence for this chapter says it best, "Our goal is truth, not profitable consequences."

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

You're so transparent

have you ever met one of those people who asks how you're doing and you say 'fine!' and then they give you the look. You know, they twist their head a little, squint their eyes and look right at you and say, "Really?" And then you bust into tears? No? Maybe that's just me.

No tears today, but ran into one of 'those' people today. He's a vice-president in our office and I used to work for him. We never really were that close, but he has this amazing power to tell when people aren't telling the whole truth. Along with that is the power he has to get people to tell the truth. If he were to pull me into his office and shut the door, I think it would all come out. He's very much the father figure and deeply cares for everyone. He wants what's best for them and will be as truthful and encouraging as it gets at the same time. He's amazing and I admire him greatly.

There's another one of 'those' in my life who I haven't seen in a while. I think I've been avoiding him, and many others all together. He's one of my pastors, but is more like a big brother to me. He can take one look at me and call me on my B.S. that the rest of the world can't see through. It drives me nuts. Honestly, I haven't seen him since...before Christmas, maybe? I actually have only been to church twice since the new year. That's a whole other topic and post for another day. Not ready to tackle that one yet.

I haven't been very happy at work over the past 6 months, for many reasons, and I'm sure it shows as I've quit trying to cover it up. It takes too much energy. I can't do it anymore. I found out today that my boss is coming to town on Monday and Tuesday next week, to meet with me and so I can train him before I leave my job. Wednesday's my last day and a party is being planned (though I don't know that I want one). Anyways, I asked my friend coordinating to ask my boss about moving it to Tuesday so he can be there. He said there's more value in it being on my last day and that he wouldn't be able to stick around for it. That sums up most of my frustrations with him and my job over the past few months.

I'm debating sending him an email about how hurt I am (n-there I go being 'hurt' again! =P ) before he comes to town. Otherwise, it's all going to come out when we meet in person and I'd rather that not happen. I really feel underappreciated in my work, mostly by him, and really don't want to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. At the same time, I figure I'm leaving, so what's the big deal. I'm through with it, right?

I hate being so emotional about things like this. Wow--it just hit me! I really look up to him as my mentor (oh...here come the tears!) and it hurts to think that I'm not important enough for him to be involved in my party. He knows he's bad with recognition of things, but that doesn't mean it's OK. He should know better, right? I mean...I've worked for him for 4 years...longer than any other National Office staff has.

What do you think? Do I have a right to be upset or am I just being emotional? =(

Respectful Assertiveness

Week 8: I can become stronger in asking for what I want without demand, manipulation, or expectation. As I remain respectful of the timing, wishes and limits of others, I can take no for an answer.

Here again, I'm a few weeks behind in posting from "Everyday Commitments" by David Richo. I decided to check out what was next in the book and the timing is great for this as I'm in negotiations again for the new job. I will know in just over a week if I have a job in CA and if I'm moving there.

When discussions came about a few months ago, I got very emotional about it. It was hard as I was making my own offer on salary and was getting an unofficial OK on it and then it was coming back lower. I took things very personally and ultimately ended up having to stop discussions about it as I was ready to give up on the idea all together.

This is a risk on both my partner's part and my part. Until we have money in the bank, it comes from his pocket, so he's not as willing to pay me a good salary. I don't think we're on the same page about vision for the organization and what's to come, which makes it difficult to agree to a good salary. Part of my salary involves commission, so to speak. I'm fine with that and like it, actually, but prefer to think of that as a bonus on top of what I need to live instead of a supplement for what I need to live.

I've compared what I'm making here (in WI) with what I should be making in CA and it's almost double what my partner is offering. Ouch! Even with the anticipated commission, it's still 6-10K+ lower than the comparable salary. See why it's risky for me?

So how does this all play into this week's commitment? I can be assertive without being aggressive in this discussion. I'm not making threats, but stating facts. The book says, "Aggression is the brand of control that makes our will more important than others' choices." My will is not more important than my partners' choice. We want to agree on this...we both want this to happen...but we both have to give a lot to meet on common ground.

Suggestions, dear readers, on how to stand firm and be assertive in negotiating. The comment box is open...

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I'm Yours

Love this song and it was finally released on ITunes a few weeks ago. Now, the video is out:

It's my God-forsaken right to be loved...

Moving on up

Most people dread packing and moving, but not me. I love it! I love going through my stuff and thinking about about who I was and who I've become. I love merging and purging, which doesn't happen as often as it should when I'm not preparing for a move. I love getting rid of clothes that don't fit me anymore (which I'm doing today--3 bags worth!)

There's also the excitement that comes along with this task. Moving to something new...whether it's a new place in the same city you're currently in or maybe to an entirely new place altogether. I love getting settled into a new place, decorating and making it home.

This move isn't going to be the easiest. I'm taking a 2-week cross country drive before I end up in the final destination, which makes figuring out how to get my stuff out West a bit difficult. HIre movers? They'll probably get there before I do. Rent a U-haul-type truck? Then I have it for 2 whole weeks, which will be pricy. Ship what I can and sell everything else? This may actually be the right answer. Debating whether or not to bring my big furniture (couch, loveseat, bed, dresser) or what. Have already been thinking about getting a new bed, so not sure I want to move the one I have all the way across the U.S. Will probably end up moving in with other people for a few months, so won't need much more than what could fit into a bedroom.

So many variables right now, including the potential roommate moving out West with me a few months after I get there. This isn't 100% sure, but looking very likely. However, I'm trying to figure out the best option just in case she doesn't come out. I'd hate to bank on that if it's not going to happen in the end.

Well, back to packing for me. I need to take some trash out, tape up some more boxes and then get some work done. Thankfully, I've been able to open the windows, breathe in some fresh air and have the sun shine to encourage me in my work. Spring-type feel. Love it!

Thursday, March 13, 2008


Have you ever had one of those times when you wanted to say something to someone, but you didn't? I'm not talking about saying something meaningful, like how much you like someone, or encouraging, like you should chase your dreams. No...I'm talking about something hurtful. Something inappropriate. Something that probably shouldn't be said, but is truthful.

Thankfully, I didn't say it. There are times when things just shouldn't be said. Why didn't I? Because I knew that it would be so truthful it would hurt someone I care about. I just can't do it...which means I get to live with it rolling around in my head and haunting me. I'm not proud of thinking up this ZINGER, but I'll carry the hurt until I can't take it anymore.

A little anxious

I can feel it in my chest. Sitting there. A feeling of excitement, anxiety, sadness and just a drop of fear all mixed together. And it's great!

I told my boss yesterday that my official last day is two weeks away. I won't be moving for a few weeks after that, but it will give me time to jump into the new job, get packed, tie things up here and move on. Confession...the past two days at work, I've done very little 'full-time' work and have been doing things for the new job. It's OK as I have very little to do at the full-time job anyways.

I can't believe that this is really happening. Well, at least getting closer to happening. I went out with a friend last night and we talked about things. She's not sure about quitting her job and I asked her if she was a pessimist. She said she was. I asked her to think about the absolute worst thing that could happen if she quit and moved and what the options were from there. Her options are actually better than mine, so I challenged her to think more about taking the risk and checking out something new.

It's interesting for me to talk with people who think differently than I do. To me, it's a no brainer. Not completely happy with the job, find something new. Try something different...maybe even a new career. You won't know until you try is my philosophy (unless we're talking about eating liver-YUK!!!)

I'm actually a little sad to be leaving the city I've been in for 4.5 years. Now that the snow is melting and there are signs of spring, I remember what I'll be missing out on like the cool hangouts that are packed when the weather's warm and the fun things like farmer's markets and outdoor concerts.

I'm embracing this feeling in my chest and want to experience it. So often during my time in Orlando with my staff, I brushed my feelings aside, especially the ones of hurt. A close friend who was with me told me it's OK to have those feelings and to be upset. That's not usually the way I work. When I'm hurt, I brush it aside which in turn develops a tougher skin towards all feelings, including good ones.

So bring on the excitement, anxiety, sadness and drop of fear. It only means I'm allowing that tough skin to soften and am moving on to something new.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Fear...part 2

After yesterday's post, something hit me. I can't let fear have power over me. Do I want this? Hell yes, I do. If I feel that strongly about it, I can't let anything stop me. I'm fighting for what I want, because if I don't...who will?

I remembered this quote from the Everyday Commitments book I've been posting about:
Fear thrives on powerlessness, the belief that we have no options. I definitely have options. I have the main/unconfirmed option, which is the one I want most. I now have a proposition option based on how that turns out, which has a plan B attached to it. I also have a back-up option, which would be OK, but not ideal and I even have the safety net option, which I really don't want to have to do, but know it's there if I need to.

Therefore, I shouldn't have fear, should I? I have PLENTY of options. What I'm most fearful about is not knowing which option I'll have to chase at this moment. But that shouldn't keep me from moving forward with the one I want most.

I feel powerful. I feel confident. I feel like fighting for the option I want most and I'm not going to stop until I get it!

Monday, March 10, 2008


Today's been weird. Within the last few hours, I've been overwhelmed by fear about the future...both immediate and long-term...both personally and professionally. I can't do this. I can't let the fear of the unknown overwhelm me to the point of turning away from things. I don't want to turn away, but the unknown aspect makes me wonder what's going to happen, if anything at all.

I hate not having a plan and knowing what's in store. Why haven't I pushed more on getting an answer or a plan? Because I'm afraid it's going to be something I can't agree to which in turn would mean walking away, which is not what I want to do. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to separate the friendship aspect from the business relationship during these talks as my co-worker/business partner/boss/teammate or whatever you want to call him is also a good friend. Makes things very difficult sometimes.

I'm not 100% happy with the way things have gone with the conference I'll finish later this month, which is the new job once the old job is done. It's been difficult to balance both jobs for over 6 months now, especially as my busiest season for the first/full-time job has just come to a close. I haven't been able to give my all to the new job, which disappoints me. Ticket sales are low, which disappoints me. I'm sure it's going to be a great event but think I could've done a much better job if I hadn't had 3 other conferences to plan at the same time. I'm disappointed in myself, but feel like I've done what I could, for the most part. I know that once it's my main focus and I don't have another job taking 50+ hours a week of my time, it will be much better. I just hope I have the opportunity to prove that.

It's like ripping off a band-aid, right...just get it over with. It'll hurt less that way. At least I hope so.

Back to normal...whatever that means

I arrived home yesterday after my third trip in 4 weeks. I don't know if this last week wore me out or if it's been all 3 trips, but I slept most of the afternoon/evening yesterday after I got home. I'm still feeling a bit tired today, but there's lots to do.

I'm starting to get a little nervous and excited about the move. I'm ready for a change, to meet new people, to face the challenges and to get to a warmer climate. I walked into my apartment last night and as I saw my roommates stuff boxed up (she's getting married in a few weeks), it hit me that I'll be doing the same soon.

I can't get too caught up in the move aspect as there's still a lot to do for the conference in 3 weeks. LOTS to do. It's crunch time, which is when I kick into gear. Thankfully...the full-time job is now slowing down and I'll have less to do there. I'm getting closer to deciding on a final date and my boss is in town for 2 days this week, so I'm guessing he may want to chat about what needs to be done before I leave. I really want to see this conference succeed.

So...back to normal, whatever that means. I don't know that I've seen 'normal' in a long time.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Rough night ahead

Wow! As my staff conference is coming to a close, it just hit me that this is my last night with all of my staff. I'm sitting in the meeting room right now as they are all group together in discussion over the major conferences that for 4 years, I've played a major part in pulling off. I'd say 60% of my job revolved around these conferences and now, it's 0%.

I've been asked by the guy taking over my position if he can contract me out to come back and help for the future conferences. I've said no. I've had multiple staff asking if I really want to leave. My answer's been yes. It's been a great 4 years, but it's time to move on.

I'll admit it, I've been a brat at times this week. That's my defense mechanism for the sadness stirring around inside. It's not a great one, but it's the way I work. I haven't participated in many discussions, not because I don't think my opinion is valued, because I know it is, but more so because this is hard.

I've come to love these people. I've loved serving them, answering questions, getting to know them, helping to make their jobs easier and growing with them. As I look around the room, I'm tearing up as it hits me...this is the beginning of the end.

I'm scared of what's in store for tonight. I've already got the waterproof mascara ready as I know there will be many tears shed.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The perfect night

Tonight's been a good night. After the rough week I've had, I needed a good night. Hung out with some of my staff (the 'pledges' as we call them since they're first year staff), had a great meal and a few drinks, played catchphrase and laughed....a lot!

Add to that the weather for the evening. Heavy rain, lightning and even some thunder in there. I love the rain...the smell, the feel of the drops on my skin, the lightning in the sky and even the thunder. I was seeing a guy many years ago and I remember one time when it rained and we drove out to watch the lightning show. It was amazing. Once the lightning stopped, we got out and played in the rain...chased some frogs, played tag, danced and had a great time. It's one of the times I remember best as it was spontaneous and amazing.

I can hear the rain drops outside my window as it continues to rain. The sound is soothing and comforting. I love it. Off to sleep for me, to have the sounds of the rain lull me to sleep. A great way to end the night. ;)

Rollercoaster of Life

**So much for trying to post each day this week. It's been a little rough and I haven't had much time or wanted to post about stuff, so I'll throw it all together in one long post, which I'm sure no one will read all the way through!**

This week has definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions. This is the beginning of the end of my time with my current job as I’ll be finishing up in about a month. My final date hasn’t been decided yet, which is making it a bit difficult to really grasp that it’s ending.

I’ve been in tears three this week and anticipate at least a few more times to happen. Wednesday night, my feelings were very hurt as I felt like my boss took credit for my work and recognized many others and left me out. This is not normal, for him or for me to get upset about it. I’m not one who needs recognition, but I felt very underappreciated. Our working relationship has been strained since he moved away in August, which left me as the only person for our department in the National office. Communication has greatly diminished. I’ve been out of the loop on many things and he’s been taking responsibility from me little by little, which is fine as I'm transitioning out, but has made it hard to stay fully present in the job that I’m trying to finish out.

I know that my boss thinks very highly of me. Last year, at our staff meetings, as I was being presented with an award, he couldn’t even speak and teared up. It was very touching and appreciated as he doesn’t express himself very often. These past few months has been very hard as I’ve felt alone in my work. I’m very independent and am self-sufficient, but there’s something to be said for having a team environment. For having someone check in on you (which my current boss doesn’t do), as well as having someone there to offer help with the work that needs to be done. There’s also something to be said about having someone to share in your frustrations and your celebrations, who knows what you’re going through.

I’ve been asked many times about the new job that I’m taking on. It’s been great telling people about it, but at the same time, it’s been very difficult too. I’ve been told that I light up when I talk about the new job, and I’m sure I do as I’m very excited about the opportunity. It’s something that is going to be fun, challenging and rewarding on many levels. It’s something that I might possibly dream up as ‘the perfect job’ for me, my passions and my gifts. I’m going to meet great people and build amazing relationships. I know it’s going to be more than I imagined.

At the same time, it’s not 100% for sure at this point. (n—bear with me) Until I have a salary offer and something a bit more confirmed, I feel like I’m fooling myself and maybe even lying to myself and others about it. Do I want to do it? 100% yes…absolutely. However, I need to remind myself that I can’t let that passion to do this override the fact that I need a certain amount of pay to move to an area that is at least twice, sometimes triple the cost of living of the city I’m in now (which isn’t cheap to begin with). I'm not in this for the money. I get happiness through the job I do, but there is a standard of living that I need/want to maintain. Growing up, in a single parent house, my mom and I made it on little. There were times in college when I went without eating because I didn't have money and didn't want to ask my parents for help. My step-dad got really mad at me when he found out. When I got laid off, money got REALLY tight as I was making good money and then went to work for a non-profit, which was my lowest paying job since graduating a few years earlier. I don't want to go back to that and need to stand firm in what I need.

Am I making the right decision? Definitely...it's time for me to move on to something new. My time with the current job has been great and I've learned so much, but I'm not passionate or excited about it anymore. When it gets to that point, I need to find something else. The new job opportunity is something that I've pursued as it sounded exciting and fun, and I know it will be. It's not going to be a piece of cake, and I know it'll stretch me and there will be hard times, but that's what makes it exciting. I like being challenged as it makes me grow as a person and professionally. There's a lot going on that needs to happen in the next few weeks, including getting things worked out on the new job, completing one more conference, finishing my time with the current job and packing and moving. Time is going to fly and before I know it, I hope to be taking up residence in CA. Who would've thought?