Livin' on the Edge

I don't know what it is lately, but I've been so on edge about a lot of things. Just about an hour ago, I got an email from a co-worker, who I tend to butt heads with a lot of times, that set me off. I even started another blog entry and trashed it. I went for a run instead. I feel like I'm not doing a good job at work and I'm letting my boss down. I'm behind on some projects, mostly because deadlines all hit at the same time. I'll bust my ass to make sure they get done, so I'm not too worried about it. I've been super weepy lately...which is not like me at all.

I'm balancing things, for the most part, but there are 2 important things that get pushed to the side all to easily...my time with God and "me" time. I haven't been to church in...3 or 4 weeks, I think. I had Life Group last night, our first of the semester, and it was really good. I have a habit of pushing this off to the side first from my schedule and am trying to make it a priority this year. I always enjoy going and have great conversations, but seem to think it's not important as other things, like work. Thankfully, most of them know to call me out on working instead of joining them, so hopefully I can't use that as an excuse.

This post really has no point...other than getting me to stop and take some time to think a bit about what the hell is going on. I promise to give myself a pedicure this weekend...during college football, of course! ;)

Thanks and Appreciation

As I've been thinking a lot lately about those in my life who have made an impact and have helped make me the woman I am today, this just seemed appropriate. It's from a book called, "Things I Want My Daughters To Know" by Alexandra Stoddard. It's a great read, for guys and girls, and has some great advice about life issues.

Hope you enjoy:

Exercise the Vocabulary of Thanks and Appreciation
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labor of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.
Albert Einstein
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Celebrate people who are in your life—past and present, close by as well as far away. Thank everyone who contributes to your sense of well-being and joy, whether you know them personally or not. Every day, think of all the people who help make your life so rich and rewarding.

We are healthier and happier when we give and receive appreciation and thanks. If you think it would be fun to throw a big party, do it because you want to: enjoy the preparation, all the planning, and then the event. But when your efforts are appreciated, and your friends that you, it makes you even more glad that you put in all the work.

When you recognize the value and significance of the hundreds of people who continuously do things for you, you expand your love of life, your faith in the genuine goodness of your fellow men and women.

Make it a habit to write generously spirited thank-you notes. They always bring a smile and create an additional bond. Out of the blue, extend a thank-you to someone in your past who helped you shed light on your career path. Never underestimate the significance to others of your loving thoughts and words. I’m touched by the generous spirits of those who come to hear me speak. Some of the letters I receive are heartwarming. We all like to be appreciated.

Grab a piece of paper and scribble down all of the people and things you’re appreciative of. There are so many. Would your list include mentors, family, supporters, friends, classmates, and partners, as well as architecture, art, design, color, beaches, and books? I’m appreciative for the sunrise each day, for an opportunity to love and be loved, and for the ability to raise my consciousness through study and meditation, through work and free time. The more I give thanks and appreciation, the more my life’s experience increases in value.

It’s terribly important to thank people, not only for favors done, but also for paid work well done. People tend to think that they don’t need to thank others who were “just doing their job.” Anyone who has paid for shoddy workmanship knows the value of paid work well done. By recognizing everything it took to do the work they completed—the skill, the compassion, the good planning, and the thought that permeate the work of someone who cares.

Give thanks and feel good about yourself for honoring the dignity and commitments of others. The more appreciative you are and the more you give thanks, the greater your own abundant joy.
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I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.
Charles Schwab

15 seconds too late...

I did a lot of driving this weekend (4 states in 4 days...) and today saw something that I'd never seen before. I came up on an accident that had just happened. Seriously, the dust was still in the air as I drove by. It looked like a truck had rolled across my side of the highway into the ditch. It was on it's side (driver door to the ground) and there was a body hanging out of the passenger window.

All of the cars coming through were stopping. People were on cell phones and were running to the accident. People were even stopping on the opposite side of the interstate to come help. I pulled over, but didn't know what to do. There were about 25 people moving towards the truck and I figured I'd just be another person in the way. I stayed in my car and started praying...for the people involved, for the families who would be receiving phone calls, for the people helping, for the doctors, for healing and understanding.

This whole incident brought about a few thoughts:
1. I don't tell people often enough how much they mean to me. Why is it we get so 'busy' in our lives that we lose touch with people who play vital parts in our lives? Why don't we tell those closer to us how important they are? I have a friend who is like a big sister to me who always, always, always says "love you" before she ends a call...and she means it. Because of her, I end my calls with my mom this way as well, most of the time.

2. Why is it when there's an accident, people will stop to help a stranger, but are so cautious when someone needs assistance on the side of the road or ignore the homeless man on the street or don't feel the need to share their wealth with those who don't have as much? Is it the immediate 'medical needs' that brings about the sense of urgency? There are other types of urgency's in the other examples, yet aren't as 'important'.

I truly hope the people involved are OK and continue to pray for them, even if I don't know who they are.

Sunny days...chasing the clouds away!

I got on the road this morning at 2am in order to arrive at my mom's house at 7am to surprise her for her birthday. The drive through the dark night was just what I needed in order to sort out some things in my head. I realize the past few posts have been pretty deep and just like seeing the sun rise this morning, I feel like the funk is starting to lift.My first ever California sunset taken in San Diego. This makes me happy!

In honor of that, here's a list of things that make me happy:

• Seeing the sun rise or sun set...alone or with people, realizing the gift of another day
• Catching up with old friends about things that really matter
• Getting rid of drama in my life and moving on
• Realizing how much I'm truly loved
• Being called 'Miss So-and-so' as I was for 3 years when teaching gymnastics to 6 month olds-5 year olds
• Seeing my friends get married and have babies
• The way babies and toddlers always smile at me (I really think it's my hair!)
• Playing tennis
• Deep, deep laughs that make no sound when they come out, bring tears to your eyes and make my stomach hurt
• Organizing an amazing dinner party for friends
• Honest conversations about the crap that's going on in life (there are few I can do this with...)
• Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream
• Rainstorms
• Flowers--gerbera daisies and stargazer lilies
• Time to myself
• Afternoon naps in the sunshine
• Lazy days
• Meeting new people
• Helping others
• Being able to invest in the college women I advise
• Serving people I love in ways they need to be served
• Receiving and sending cards in the mail
• Emails that just say "Hey--how's it going?"
• That feeling you get when you see someone special calling
• The changing leaves of fall
• Star gazing
• A big mug of coffee in the morning
• New clothes (or shoes...or purses...)
• Making a difference

I plan to make this a running list...but think this is a good start to come back to when I need a pick-me-up.

I'll do it when I'm good and ready...

Have you ever had a time when you've really needed to do something...have a talk...whatever, yet couldn't bring yourself to do it? Every now and then, these times sneak up on me.

I don't have a relationship with my biological father. I usually get a card from him on my birthday and then I call him on Father's Day (which is sometimes the same day.) I remember last year, my birthday came first...and he didn't call me. In return, I was a brat and didn't call him on Father's Day. Our conversations are always awkward and to be honest, I'd rather not put forth the effort most of the time to make small talk.

However, I've had the urge to tell him some important things over the past 6 months. I need to tell him I forgive him...for lots of things and that I'm sorry and wish we had a better relationship, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't really forgive him. Maybe it has to do with the fact that there are things that I think happened that have never been brought up. Maybe I don't want to know the truth. Maybe the hurt just runs way too deep to even start to uncover and figure out.

I hate when the fear of the unknown outcome is greater than the suckiness of what is currently in place. How do we overcome that fear and move to be OK with whatever the outcome is, even if it's worse than what the current situation is?

I'm a fighter--watch out!

Something happened a few weeks ago that hasn't happened in a long time...I came very close to hitting someone. Seriously. I was ready to take a swing at someones face. In the heat of the moment, I couldn't figure out why I was so angry, but looking back at what had happened earlier in the day, and thinking about things from my past, it all makes sense now.

Here's how it went down--was out with a group of friends. A few of us went to the 'live band' dancing area to have some fun. I was at the front of our group. All of a sudden, I feel someone grab my butt. I stopped for a second and figured someone had just walked by and grabbed, which ticked me off (more on this in a bit...) Continued to dance and a few minutes later, it happened again. I turned to the guy over my left shoulder and looked at him. The girl he was with told me it was my friends doing it...I looked at them and they all played dumb (I hate that!) so I looked back at the guy. I then looked at my friends and asked them if they did it and that they'd better fess up before I hit this guy. My friends finally admitted they did it. Honestly, this wouldn't usually set me off...but here's what happened earlier that day...

I had to call for a rental car as my car was in the shop. I was already in a bad mood, had had to call three times about my ride from the rental place, etc. when finally, the car showed up to take me to the rental car location. The guy who came to pick me up was younger, just out of college. We talked for a bit and as it was a Saturday, moved to talking about College Football. Conversation was casual and whatnot....and then he reached over and playfully hit my leg. Whoa! I don't know this guy and he's invading my personal space. Back up! I was very uncomfortable as he went on to ask what I was doing that afternoon and where I was going to watch the game. I told him I was going to watch from home as I had work I'd be doing while I watched. He got the hint.

So, that probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but when I reflect on things that have happened in the past, invasion of my personal space, especially by someone I don't know, is a huge deal and I immediately am ready to do anything and everything I have to to get away from the situation, even if it means fighting. I remember a time in college when a good guy friend had me cornered in a room, trying to calm me down about something (I had been drinking). He was between me and the door and I ended up pushing him hard enough to make the door push through the frame, breaking it.

There are times when I'm upset about something that I can't be touched. Any body trying to calm me down is at risk of me doing whatever I have to to get out of the situation. I hate that. I know those people aren't trying to hurt me, but because of things that have happened in the past...when I have been hurt, it's completely screwed up my ability to let people care for me in a physical way when I'm scared or upset. Thankfully, I can verbalize during these times to 'please don't touch me.' Granted it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, I need my space to calm down before I hurt someone.

It completely pisses me off that someone has taken this away from me and has damaged me. What right did they have? What right does anyone ever have to touch or say inappropriate things to someone they don't know? I hate when guys I've never met think I'm property and they can grab what they want and say what they want to me. They have absolutely no right...yet they think they have every right in the freaking world. And the sadder part to this is that some women think this is OK and are perfectly fine with it. I just don't get it...I really don't.

Pieces are missing

I'm often embarrassed by the following statement...I haven't ever really been in a relationship. There have been 'interests' and 'friends...with some benefits', but no real relationships. Makes me sound so pathetic, doesn't it? (I realize how amazing I really am, so I'm kidding about sounding pathetic!)

However, I see friends and close ones going through horrible relationships, just for the sake of being in a relationship. When I see that, it makes me thankful I've never 'settled' or have been so focused on being in a relationship that I'll do anything to make it happen. It's not worth it.

I read something years ago that stuck with me and really has helped me with not being in a relationship. It went something like this, for every serious relationship you've been in, you've given away a piece of your heart. That means that when 'the one' comes along, you only have what's left to give to them. Think about it...you're in a relationship and have an amazing date. It's weird to 'recreate' that date in a new relationship, once the first one is over. The recreation will only conjure up memories of the first time with the 'old' significant other.

I don't understand why women get so jealous and freaked out when guys are friends or still care for an old flame. If you're secure in your own relationship, isn't that what really matters? Not gonna lie...when 'the one' comes along, it's going to hurt to know that he's given pieces of his heart away to others. I just hope that what's left is enough to love me completely, unconditionally and for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong...I have more than enough love in my heart to share with someone else. I'm often busy with 'things', but will make time for that special someone. I'm ready to be someones cheerleader when times are rough as well as be their best friend when times call for celebration! I've just been storing it up for 30 years and let me tell you, when he comes along, he's going to be the luckiest man in the world!

Confrontation time

Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while...two months to be exact. And a lot has been going on, which is part of why I haven't posted lately. The other part is because there's a lot I need to confront and just don't want to. My heart's starting to soften, so I'll start now.

Work stuff:My boss moved away about 6 weeks ago. He's still my boss, but isn't working in the national office with me. No big deal here, other than learning communication as he's not easily available has been interesting, and even frustrating at times.

The other big news is that my co-workers last day with our department was yesterday. That means it's just me now in the office, which isn't that big of a deal. The bigger issue is we're starting our busiest planning time and were without someone in the full-time position last year, which meant I was doing 1.75 people's jobs (at no extra pay) and hated it. I usually love my job (no, really!), but the last 2 weeks have been bad, knowing I'll soon be facing the same things as this time last year. I had to leave work twice this week because I couldn't stand being there. It was bad. I've expressed these concerns to my boss and am trying not to anticipate so much. He's been great and keeps telling me that if anything new comes on to my plate, something else will leave. He doesn't want me working overtime and knows how bad it was last year. He told me all of this for the 3rd time this week and I think it's finally settling in.

New work opportunity:I really have no idea how this has happened, but I'm being contracted out to help with a conference in California. This is very exciting for me, but still baffles me as to how this all came about. The person I'll be working with is very passionate about what he does, which just excites me even more about the opportunity. He believes in what he does and is dedicated to it. As we've started working together (he has a conference planned in a few weeks that I've jumped into helping with), we've already had some issues come up, but have worked through them amazingly well. I know I'm going to learn a lot about myself, my work, and working with others. It's going to be challenging, which only makes it more exciting!

Car stuff:I've had 3 car issues, none related to each other, over the past 6 weeks. So frustrating...enough for me to breakdown about it. Usually, not a big deal, but after the 3rd time, I had had enough. GRRR!!!

God stuff:I'm not questioning God right now, but haven't talked to him almost as long as I've posted here. I get so freaking independent and think I can do it on my own, yet know deep down that I can't. Again, my heart's starting to soften and wake up in this area...we'll see what happens.

Alright, that's about all I can handle right now. I hope to post more often (don't I say that EVERY time??). I doubt anyone even reads this, but really, it's something I need to do in order to stop, think and process all that's going on.