Friday, May 7, 2010

Is it possible to die of anxiety?

This week has been a doozie...and that's an understatement. I think I've cried more this week than I have this entire year. My heart feels like it's beating a million beats a minute. My 'to do' list is completely overwhelming (so I ignore it). I'm in a bizarre love triangle with a guy who tells me I'm beautiful (more on that) and a guy who I'm interested in who doesn't even think to tell me he's not making it to my event. I'm financially fucked. Yes--I just said that. And then there's the whole work/job thing. I's been 7 months since I started a new job. I'm due for a change. All of this is topped off by my dog, who makes this all semi-bearable, until he decides to chew up my bathroom WALLS. #FML

I have had mini panic attacks this week and even now, as I type this, I can feel it in my chest, racing through to my fingertips. Hoping by the time I finish this post I feel a little bit of relief.

So where to start? **Pardon the running of thoughts I'm about to list, but I just need to get it all out before the tears short circuit my laptop.
  • Job--I don't hate my job right now, but after listing out the 20+ areas I manage and finding out the colleague on our team (who I consider to be the glue between me and my supervisor in NY) is leaving next week, I've decided I can't take on much so that I've talked to HR in my office about best way to approach this, if this is normal and if I'm just being a baby about all of this. Her answer--I have way too much on my plate and need to get rid of some of it. Easier said than done. When I've approached this subject in the past, I'm told that 'We're all busy...we have to do it.'
  • Job opportunities--Had a call last week with a great company I believe in for an amazing job, but it's not paying enough. I have an application in for a job that is super exciting and would get me back into conference planning. Then there's the company that my friend (the "James Blunt" guy from above) has been talking to me about since November. I finally saw a demo the other night and holy crap--I love it, I love the company, I love the people, I love their philosophy. Just need to get clear info on the job and salary.
  • Home--I know that there is a direct correlation between how messy my apartment is to how chaotic my life is. Funny enough, at the end of the day, I want to come home to my 'haven' but instead, I'm stressed out by the piles of stuff around my living space. What a catch22. Must remedy this ASAP in hopes to see a change in the anxiety levels.
  • Dog--this must be what unconditional love really is because if it's not that, I would put him on the corner so he could go home with someone else and chew up their walls. I kid...I kid...I need to get a kennel ASAP and start putting him in that when I'm gone, which should keep us both a little more sane.
  • Finances--I'm fucked. Let's just leave it at that.
  • Guys--had a faux date with a good friend the other night who for the longest time has told me he would totally date me, but I can't bring myself to do it. Once I find my interest peeked a bit...he then tells me about a mutual friend he's fucked. NICE! He says he's ready to settle down and find a nice girl. Funny enough, when we went out the other night, he told me he has a degree in theology. That blew my mind...he was on track to become a pastor. He also told me I'm beautiful and that guys don't tell me that enough...and that I don't believe it enough. Talk about a low blow...but he's right about that entire statement.
  • Guys part 2--Good guy...great guy, actually. He's going through things and I'm going through things. I don't think we want the same thing right now. We barely talk to each other...even via AIM or text. We barely know each other and it's like pulling teeth to have conversations to get to know him better. I understand he's super busy...he really is and I totally understand that. And I'm fighting the urge to become the encourager for him and stroking his ego too much. Why? Because I'm getting very little from him...hardly anything initiated from him and truth be told, I think he has a few other girls on the line. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to soften the "why isn't he in to me" blow or maybe there's truth there. And I'm not ruling out the obvious point that of bitterness on my side either. Guy 2 and I are supposed to do something this weekend, but nothing has been confirmed. I'm not going to push it...I can't do it anymore. Screw the thought "He's just not that in to you." The words that echo in my mind day after day after day right now are "Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."
Well, my fingers are tingling with anxiety anymore and my heart rate has slowed down so maybe this was beneficial. Let's hope it continues on for a while or I may have to post again.

Friends and strangers...if you're reading this, give me some things to think about...suggestions for managing this craziness I call life...ways to decompress...push back on things I've devil's advocate. BRING IT ON!