I am not a toy

More and more lately I'm asking the question, "what's wrong with me?" I've signed up for Match.com and have had a little interest, but nothing worth pursuing. I mean, I want the message to at least have semi-correct grammar.

"The last guy" pinged me the other night, after I unfollowed him and then sent a tweet that was about him. I'm sure he saw it, felt bad and pinged me. There's no way that after him living 5 blocks away from me and not seeing each other for 6 weeks that it was coincedence. He then says, over AIM, 'we should get together for coffee sometime.' Funny enough, that was the same thing he said to me 6 weeks ago after he moved up here. I answered the same way I did back then, "Sure, just let me know when you're ready." Stop toying with me...

Then there's another guy who I've had contact with via Twitter/Facebook over the past few months. We have some crazy connection to Oklahoma, but I can't remember what. I honestly don't remember how we first made contact as it's been a while. Anyways, we made plans to get a group together a while back and we were both traveling quite a bit, so it never happened. I invited him to a group thing this last week, very low key...no pressure, and he missed out as it was early and he had gone out the night before. In his apology message to me, "what are you're plans this weekend? I owe you brunch." I responded that my weekend was open and I always had time for brunch. Nada...no response.

Then there are the multiple married/engaged guys hitting on me. Not just flirting, but totally coming on to me and even asking if I want to make out. Stop...please. That does not make me feel better about myself. You'd think I'd be flattered, but in reality, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for someone to commit to, but could totally be the 'other woman'. I don't play that game.

I'm getting very tired of guys toying with me. I'm ready for someone who truly cares about me, the real me, who is ready to get to know me and all my craziness, and who can be open to me caring about them. But I'm starting to wonder if that's even possible.

What Happened BEFORE We Met?

First off, I don't' know WHY I'm still wasting time evaluating what went wrong with me and the guy I was seeing. And yes, I'm wasting time. The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off at him and the whole situation. Then I start to tell myself that I'm just getting mad so I can get over it; that that may be the only way to really move on...to think he's horrible. Reality is, he isn't...or at least he doesn't mean to be.

I saw "500 Days of Summer" the other day and I highly recommend it for everyone. I could totally see myself in both characters, though I really resonated with the male. One part shows him reviewing his relationship to try to see what was REALLY happening. As sad as it sounds, I did this the other night...all the way back to the first weekend when things got started.

• I remembered picking up the vibe that he was interested at the dinner party he invited me to that first night.

• I remembered meeting him for drinks the next night and not knowing whether or not it was a date.

• I remembered him telling me he tried kissing me after the dinner party when he walked me to the car and I 'dissed' him. **In my defense, I had no idea he was going in for a kiss.**

• I remembered him asking me over drinks that night if I was seeing someone. **I thought that was pretty forward and even told him so.**

• I remembered us making out for a few hours that same night. **Which is not normal for me, but it felt right...he made the move and I let him.**

• I remembered him telling me he doesn't usually ask women out...that he's pretty shy. **I never would have known from that night.**

• Then I remembered he had just been in Seattle earlier in the week before the dinner party and drinks.

• And then I remembered he mentioned, after we started seeing each other, that he had been in a relationship recently with a woman...in Seattle.

The pieces started coming together to this puzzle with the final piece being a question.
"What happened in Seattle that week before he met me?"

Yes, I think something happened between him and his ex while he was in Seattle. Maybe it was a 'one last time' thing or maybe she totally denied him. Either way...

I truly believe I was the REBOUND GIRL.

And this hurts...a lot. I don't know that he really cared about me if this is the case.

I'm not usually one to tell people to 'Get over it' as I believe this usually takes time and each person should be allowed to deal with it as needed in order to get over it. But, I truly think it's time for me to 'Get over it!' I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it.

So, in honor of his birthday today...I'm done. To edit Gwen Steffani's words a bit, "I ain't no REBOUND GIRL!"


Wanted to also share one of my favorite scenes from the movie that shows "Expectations vs. Reality."

Am I Only An Option?

"Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Wow--what a wake-up call and something I need to remind myself of each and every day. I wish I could claim that I was the brilliant mind who originally said that, but I can't. I read it somewhere on Twitter months ago and it's stuck with me ever since. 

To update on previous posts, things are pretty much no longer with the guy. Once I got back from my trip, I sent an email asking what was going on and he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, even though he really cares about me, and still wanted to be friends. Since then, I've been all over the place with him...no, I can't be 'just friends' and I want to make this work...no, I already have 'friends' and I don't want to talk to you anymore...Friends with benefits? If that's what you want (even if I don't)...Who cares about being friends, let's just have benefits. And where have we ended up? A two-week break in communication (per his suggestion, so I can get over him) and we're friends. Yet, it feels weird.

Yesterday was the end of the two weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to contact him; that he could contact me when he was ready to be friends. I was surprised by the email I got yesterday in response to a tweet about buying a new laptop. He seemed nervous & awkward in the email. I responded with a 'thanks. off to test drive a few right now' and he responded immediately to that email.

It feels weird...very weird.

I bought a plane ticket a while back to surprise him for his birthday in a few weeks. He doesn't know that I did that. He mentioned this weekend (yes, I'm doing Social Media Stalking) about his birthday weekend and what he's planning. My ticket covers me being in his city for his birthday and birthday party. However, I committed to being in San Francisco that weekend, so now I know I won't use that ticket for that trip. Thankfully, I have another trip to Austin I can use that for instead.

Things I've learned from all of this (and need to blog about):

• I'm very hurt and think it's a combination of how much I care for him and the feeling that my trust has been broken.
• The wall that I've torn down has started building back up. I can't let that happen again.
• I do want to be in a relationship and that's not a bad thing. 
• I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone to love me...as it hasn't happened yet.
• I'm really pissed that he didn't even give "us" a chance (which also applies to a recent job I was turned down for, because I didn't live in the city...even after they said that commuting would work).

Yes, we were only seeing each other for 2 months.

Yes, we were moving fast, at least in the emotional sense.

Yes, this has affected me in a bad way.

But...

I don't usually do this. 

I don't date. 

I don't fall for just anyone.

Which is why I've built that wall. If dating and getting to know someone is going to hurt like this, I don't want to do it again.

Yes, being single is painful and very sad at times, but I can't keep questioning what is wrong with me and wondering if I need to change things to be what someone wants. 

Because obviously, whatever I'm doing right now, isn't working for anyone I've met in my 32 years of life...and I've met a lot of people. 

**And I can already hear those of you reading this getting mad at me for these thoughts, but I'm just being honest about the crap that's in my head.**

What am I doing to myself?

This is a loaded question...so get ready for it:

I'm on a 2+ week road trip across America right now. Once in a lifetime opportunity and simply amazing, but the stress I'm putting on myself is ridiculous! 2 weeks in an RV, campsites, gas station food for meals, little sleep, trying to conduct business on the road, and so much more. Has it been fun--yes, but I am so ready to get home and be in my own bed and space. Can't wait to take a bubble bath!

I'm now back into playing games...with the guy, that is. I get so upset when I message him and don't hear back. Like last night, I sent some flirty messages...and nothing. No response back, except this morning "just to say Hi." No reference to what I said, nothing. This month has sucked ass as I moved and am now on the road for 2+ weeks, and I hope that the way things are going right now are only because things have been crazy, but I really don't know if that's entirely true. He has been holding back and when I called him on it, he tells me he's scared of hurting me. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out and there's nothing there for me to grasp on to. Then he goes on public sites and makes comments about being involved in dating events. Doesn't make me feel important or worthy. Not a good feeling...yet, I'm not ready to give up. Call me a sucker for self-doubt and low self esteem.

I'm also all-of-a-sudden becoming a psychiatrist and analyzing why I'm doing things and what my issues are. Not sure what to think about all of the things coming up. A little ironic, isn't it?

Honestly, I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now...heart beating fast, head is spinning, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of all that is going on. I'm trying to not do anything stupid before I get home and have a chance to get back to normal...whatever that may be.

Or at least until I get a prescription for Xanax.

Getting back to normal

This month has been nuts! I finally moved to San Francisco from a few miles away, yet took off on a 2.5 week road trip only 3 days after moving in. I'm on the road now and can't wait to be home...to the new place with the fabulous view in the new city. Also can't wait to unpack and really get settled in. I'm losing precious time in this new place I'm calling 'home'.

I'm also ready to get back to 'normal' for the relationship that was starting to develop. In some ways, this month has been good as we've barely seen each other and have had a few rough spots, but it's also been very hard as he's said some things to me that have made me think he's thinking long term with me, yet then he says things about wanting to be friends with me if things don't work out.

I'm so confused.

Then I hear from my BFF that she broke up with someone and told her parents she needed time to be alone and 2 days later, the guy she's now engaged to came in to her life. She says for the entire first year she was scared and didn't know what she wanted. She also said it was extremly difficult to be apart from each other.

Part of me wants to give up...to walk away and not be hurt.

The other part wants to give this all I've got so I can see what happens if I really try.

The variable factor is what he thinks, wants, and will do.

I really hope this month has been tough as we've both been so busy. I feel like we've taken a few steps back and to be honest, it scares me. I really like him and care about him and have opened up more to him then to anyone else. I don't want to just discard that like the old pizza box. I can't do that.

But then again, I'm scared to fight for it if it's not going to change his mind.

Argh--why can't this be a little more black and white, huh?