Thursday, September 25, 2008

Back home...

I've been traveling since my last post. How foolish of me to think I'd blog while on the road. There's no way I could've done that as I look back on all that happened.

The first trip was business and was OK. It was a great opportunity to really put my 30-day challenge to work and I failed. The first night, a major party, I only wanted to talk to the people I knew and hang out with them. It was hard for me to really get out there and chat with new people. The more I think about it, the more I think part of it has to do with my lack of knowledge about the space I'm in. There's so much happening in this community and it's constantly changing. It's overwhelming, to be honest... And while we're being honest, I can also say I just am not interested in maintaining more and more contacts, names and 'friends'. That's the other part of not wanting to meet new people. My contact list is already so overwhelming.

The second trip was a little of business and a lot of pleasure, in more ways than one. Work part of the trip went well, though balancing time between work and fun is always hard when traveling. The people I visited are great. I needed to see them again as I'm always inspired by each of them. They're genuinely amazing people. We had lots of fun as a group...I always enjoy life more when I'm with them.

There were some shenanigans that happened that I wasn't expecting, at least not to the level we took it too. I think getting two people together who have been flirting long-distance for a few weeks could only mean trouble, but fun trouble. Or as he called it before I arrived, "beautiful disaster." It was definitely beautiful and not necessarily disaster, though not right either. Funny thing is, I don't regret it and am happy it happened. I care deeply for this guy and think he's amazing. If nothing comes from this...I'm OK with that. I actually am not expecting anything to come from this. If this same thing happened a few months ago, I'd be a freakin' wreck over-analyzing things right now. Maybe I needed this in order to move forward in my way of thinking about relationships and having fun.

I think I'm moving forward/growing up just a bit. There's much more to learn and I'm ready...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I need a routine

Lately, I've felt very scatterbrained. In my work, in my personal life, in everything really.

Seeing as I work whenever I want, and sometimes from home, I don't usually set an alarm and just wake up whenever. This tends to be between 7am and 8am on most mornings and I usually have the laptop open by 8am. I then catch up on facebook/twitter feeds from the evening before and then check out emails. I don't have an official 'start time' for just kinda happens.

Throughout the day, I try to keep up with emails and take phone calls as they come in. I've been pretty bad about not making a list of what needs to happen. I'm coming into a season where I have multiple things going on and really need to stay on top of it all. When I don't get things down on paper, it's not a good thing. I know I waste time this way and can't prioritize what needs to happen.

Don't even get me started on how my personal life is getting neglected due to my lack of routine. Things like paying bills, getting birthday presents sent off, calling my parents, doing laundry, grocery shopping, are all forgotten about on a regular basis. They aren't a priority for me. I've even noticed lately that I'm putting less effort into my appearance when I go out. That's NOT good!

I need to get my butt in gear and get this in order. Life is way too short to continue lolly gagging. I feel like I don't have purpose or direction. I'm just 'doing' life. I'm not really 'living' life.

I've decided and am almost ready to give life my 100% undivided attention for a month. I want to get my life in order, do good and help others as much as I can, get out there and meet new people (both personally and professionally) and be completely open to interactions with men, including accepting offers for dates (if any come my way) and doing the asking (if need be--was recently told that because of my work position and the tech community, I may have to be the asker. Scary!)

Yep...I leave tomorrow for a big work trip to Vegas. I'm embracing this new month-long challenge right now and am ready to 'live life' for the next 30 days. I will not compromise my beliefs or morals and I will not shy away from the challenge. And yes, it will be challenging. In order to hold myself accountable, I'll even commit to blogging for the next 30 days about my adventures. *Now I'm just talking crazy talk...*

Anyone else up for creating your own 30-day challenge to go alongside mine? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller???

Day 1 starts really.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Social media is changing my identity

I try to keep info here pretty vague as I don't want people to 'discover' me, but I'll give up a little more information. I work in the social networking scene. Granted, I'm behind the scenes on things, until people figure out who I work for.

Part of my job this summer included traveling around to different cities and hosting events. It was a blast and I really enjoyed it. I wish I had had more of an opportunity to meet people. Wait...I mean really MEET people. Not the 'elevator pitch' of who people are (which is almost always answered with what they do, not who they are), but who they REALLY are. *sorry for all the caps, trying to emphasize here...*

OK, I'm already babbling, so here is my point...I'm on twitter and facebook and myspace (though I never use it). However, lately, I'm really having to censor what I say or put out there due to the people who are following me. People associate me with the company I work for at all times, so I feel like I have to be careful in that aspect too. Even if something is coming from me, personally...people see me as a representative of my company and tie it back to them. You'd think I'd know how to handle this by now as I was in the same positions in high school with being captain of pom team, college with being VP of my sorority, etc.

I'm not a public person. I'm actually pretty private and let very few people know the 'real' me. Lately, though, I feel like I'm having to be more social and act like I want to get to know people, when in all honesty, I'm happy with those who are in my current circle and don't really want to expand it. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like meeting new people, it's just becoming very overwhelming when people assume I want to hang out all the time and send me invites and call, etc. to do things.

Lately I've felt like I've been living in a world with a censor button. Things I would normally tweet, I don't, because I know who's reading. Even on this blog, I've been very hesitant to get back into it because I wonder if N (the old partner) may be reading it. Which, when I think about it, is pretty silly because he wants nothing to do with me.

I've debated starting a Facebook and a Twitter that's personal, to separate out from the business stuff, but don't want to maintain two accounts. Actually, that would be four. Wow-- Trying to find a good balance between my personal life and work life, which is becoming more public. Hopefully I can find a decent middle ground to land on.

Monday, September 1, 2008

So much to say

It's been 3+ weeks since I've posted and that wasn't even a great post. Yes, I've been busy, but that's not why I haven't posted. Let's be real has more to do with avoiding issues than anything else. I've debated how to tackle all that's happened, but I think the best option right now will be to bullet point and then go back and do separate posts, digging deeper into it all. Let's get started, shall we?

  • Relationships--this is such a F'd up area in my life. Has been for many years and will continue for many more. At least that's how I feel now. Last time I posted, I wrote about a developing crush. Update--I put it all out there, told him I'd like to do something--just the two of us--and he said he'd really like that and that we should. He then asked if I just asked him out on a date. I said, "Yes, because you wouldn't step up to do it." I may have castrated him at that point. That was 2 weeks ago yesterday and we've yet to do anything. This deserves an entire post devoted to it...but let's say that I think I blew it.

  • Work--still amazing, though recently have had some rough spots. Wasn't sure what my spot really was with the company, but after talking with the CEO, he's confirmed that he wants me around and that issues I'm having aren't from my side. Hearing this has really encouraged me to step up to the plate and take control of what I've been hired to do.

  • Getting settled in--I'm now officially a Californian resident and have license plates and a drivers license to prove it! Now that I'm closer to San Francisco, I'm going into the city more and more often, not only for fun, but also for work. Actually, those two tend to become one most of the time. Which leads me to...

  • Social life--Do I have one of these? I'm trying to figure out how to separate work/personal life, but it's hard as I haven't branched out of my work circle as of yet. Everything I do has to do with those within that work network, even if it's just hanging out. I'm very careful about who I let know me...I mean REALLY know me (and if you're reading this and know my first name, you should feel special!) This leads me to...

  • Being someone I'm not--Because of the recent 'spotlight' I've been in, due to my job, I'm meeting more and more people and am going out more and more. I feel like I'm being someone I'm not, for the sake of the job. I need to get out and meet people, but my gosh--I'm going to need a new liver soon! I have been drinking more and more (not out of control, but 3-5 nights a week, which is more than I'm used to!) I'm really trying to figure out how to meet people I'm supposed to (and that I want to) for the job without becoming 'the party girl.' I think I need to take a step or two back for a while. Yes, I know I can go to events and not drink, which is easy for me to do, but it's still the factor of going to events/parties to meet people, which seems to be the thing to do within the community I'm working with.

  • Feeling alone--I've always been independent and am OK on my own, but recently have had feelings of abandonment. The sad thing is that I think this is just as much my fault as anyone else's. I get so tired of reaching out to my parents, trying to maintain that relationship that I just don't anymore. They're really all I have that's guaranteed in my life right now and I shouldn't take it for granted. The relationship between my biological father and myself has been strained since the divorce, but with my mom/'s been taken to a whole new level, even more so since I moved to CA. Again, an entire post on this will need to be written soon.

  • Cliche's--"It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all." Really? Wondering if I'll ever get a chance to experience the other side to 'never loving.' Was out with some girlfriends (and a guy friend) and was told "You're beautiful, smart, funny, and with all the guys you're working with, you'll be dating in no time." If only it was that easy. :-/ Was once told that I put off a "I don't want to date ANYONE" vibe and now wondering if that's really true. My theory is that I intimidate guys, however, when I asked the guy in bullet point one if I intimidated him, he replied "No, not at all." Which then makes me wonder "What the F* is wrong with me??!?!??!"

  • Dinner with the ladies--Met with some amazing women a week ago for a great dinner and conversation. The question of the evening was if we were happy with where we were right now. I don't know how to answer that question..which is OK, or is it? Another separate post on this to come...

  • Losing my religion--I'm so far away from God right now, which was a base in my life for so long. Things are even harder now that I'm away from my community of believers, even though I was struggling with them anyways. I go back and forth between wanting to come back and not giving a crap. I still believe God exists, that's not even a question. I've been told that doubting and questioning is a good place to be when it comes to faith as it will only deepen what I believe in. May be a while before I'm ready to tackle this one.

I think that's a good list to get started with. I'm ready for the hard core, honest truth comment with your thoughts, DM or Email me (if you know that info) and lay it on me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the deal is with my life. I've had overwhelming feelings of just giving up (no, I don't want to kill myself--it's not that bad!) If I could just sit back and watch life pass me by for a while, I think I might. Not sure I could do that without becoming a loser, so I guess I'll just keep on truckin'.

I really want to tackle this list with individual posts soon...I've missed you all. Plans to catch up on my reading after a quick shower. ;)