30-Day Cleanse

I decided earlier this year after much thought that my theme word for the year was going to be LOVE. I vowed to:

• Love myself...

which I haven't. I have a not-so-secret tactic of putting others before myself, allowing me to avoid everything about myself. I've had girlfriends call me out on this and the hard part is knowing that selflessness is a good thing, there has to be some focus on myself at some point.

• Love my work...that's an easy one

I've been so lucky to get back into a job that is a perfect fit for me. It's challenging me in so many ways but I love the team I work with, the work I'm doing and the people I get to meet.

• Love others...another easy one

I usually see the good in others though I will admit there are times I get frustrated with people.

• Allow others to love me...still working on this one

This is very hard for me. Praise and words of affirmation make me uncomfortable. Someone I care deeply about pulled me close the other day to tell me how much I meant to him and I squirmed the whole time. I didn't grow up in a home where we told each other how much we loved each other so I'm not used to it. However, I'm trying to be aware when people love on me as I know it's what I need in healthy relationships.

• Find someone who loves me...

You remember that song..."looking for love in all the wrong places"? Yeah, that's me plus a dash of "I'm not even looking." I've been in a semi-relationship since about May and it's all wrong. I really believe staying involved in this relationship is keeping me from other possibilities, yet...I haven't been able to fully step away from it, until this week. This is someone I care about and would even say in some form, love him, and I can't imagine him not being in my life. The problem is that he doesn't want a relationship. He's jaded when it comes to love so I stick around, hoping he'll someday change his mind. What I need to do is change my mind about him, which leads me to something the terrifies me...

I was just reading Mastin Kipp's (the man behind @TheDailyLove, which I LOVE!) column on HuffPo which explains how he did a 30-day Love cleanse. From his post:

As I well knew true love begins within. So, instead of continuing with a bad habit, I decided to do something about it. Just like the alcoholic goes cold turkey from the sauce, I went cold turkey from my emotional dependency on others.

For 30 days -- no dating, no sex of any kind, no flirting and no contact with former business partners.

You see where this is going, don't you? However, I'm already wanting to justify some of the rules...

1. No dating--but what if a guy wants to hang out one-on-one. Is that 'dating'? Can I go as long as there is no physical touch or kissing? Do we have to go dutch? And what if I am asked out...what do I tell him? "Sure, I'd love to go on a date. How's December 7th look?"
2. No sex of any kind--as long as I stay away from the guy I mentioned earlier, should be a piece of cake.
3. No flirting--I might as well say no breathing.
4. No contact with former business partners--this raises the question of "What kind of business does Mastin really do?? But in reality, I know this means I should not have contact with the guy above for 30 days. What sucks--he's already invited me and I've accepted, to a dinner this Sunday night.

So friends, I turn to you for tips on things I should work on, questions I should ask myself, things to be aware of, ways to get out of situations 1-4, and just bottom line...encouragement to focus on myself for 30 days and to find ways to love ME in hopes that when I come out of it, I still have a chance for accomplishing LOVE in 2010.

Getting out of the frump

I had an encounter the other night that was one of those 'a-ha' moments which has had me thinking about WTF I need to do to bust out of it.

While at a tech event, I ran into a woman who within the past month has had a makeover. Now, I don't know if this was a 'professional' makeover or what, but she's had some amazing photos taken that she's using on her profiles online and she's dressing up more. At this event, I told her, "You're looking really hot!" to which she told me the same. My response, "I don't feel hot. I feel frumpy."

Frumpy.

That word came out of my mouth to describe myself.

Houston--we have a problem.

Another good friend of mine has been telling me for MONTHS that I need to take care of myself and put myself first. I've heard her telling me this and have always responded with "I know...I know" but I think it's time I actually start listening to her and do something about it.

I decided a few weeks ago that I'm in need of a make-up makeover. I can't even remember the last time I was at a true make-up counter. I buy my make-up at Target or Walgreens which is not helping as I'm sure I'm not getting the right colors or tones. I'm tired of the brown/black eye make-up and am ready to bust out a little color on my face.

I recently moved and cleaned out my closets, getting rid of pieces that no longer fit, shrank in the wash, had been collecting dust for 6 months+, had holes or had been chosen as a chew toy by the pup. I got rid of a TON of stuff, which is great, but now I have a smaller wardrobe of not so great pieces that I continue to wear. I definitely want to get back into shopping at Ann Taylor instead of Target. Don't get me wrong--Target has great pieces, but they aren't always the best quality. I'm also going to try to get out of wearing jeans all the time and move into skirts/dresses (with TIGHTS!!) and pants. More professional and more feminine.

I definitely need to get my butt off the couch more often to include exercise and socializing. While I prefer staying in most nights, truth be told, it's a way for me to avoid meeting new people and allows me to stay in my frump zone at home. I mean, why would I dress up when I can wear sweatpants and a tank top at home all day and night? My TV is not my best friend and sometimes I think this fabulous life I'm living is passing me by.

In related news, I need to eat better. This is the only body I have and I'm not being very nice to it. Want to know something sad? I've been in my new place for almost 2 months and have not done proper grocery shopping since moving in. Yes, I've been traveling, but I've also been home at least half of that time. I enjoy cooking and just need to plan for it. One week at a time so I don't have food going bad.

And then there's the relationship frump. I tried dating a few guys and definitely had fun. The problem, none of them were a match which puts me into this downward spiral of "What's wrong with me? Why am I such a loser???" Thanks to never canceling my subscription to an online dating site which just auto-renewed, I figure that's a sign to get out there and try to meet some new men. I know I'm not a loser and through each dating experience, I'm learning more about what I want in a mate as well as learning valuable lessons about myself. Scary, but always worth it.

Last, but not least, is my new place. I've moved into a fabulous Jr. 1 bedroom (more than a studio, but not quite a full 1 bedroom) and I love it. It's all mine and perfect...with the exception of the mess. It's funny how my home reflects the chaos in my life. My goal is to clean this place up and keep it tidy to a point where I wouldn't be embarrassed if someone stopped by for a visit.

So much to do and I've become the master of avoiding it all and living in the frump. But mark my words, it's time to RALLY and dig myself out, one day at a time.

Gut feelings...not just an upset tummy

I've always been a person to look at a bad situation as a learning experience. "What did I learn about myself from this," I often ask myself. Recently, I've made an attempt at dating...whatever that looks like. I've let myself have fun, opened my heart to the possibility of someone and have even been hurt. All of that, good and bad, is helping me figure out what I want and what's important to ME.

Just reading those words makes me feel selfish. I'm such a giver that I forget that what I want is just as important and shouldn't be ignored.

So I ask myself the question, "What do I want?"

• Someone who truly cares about me
• That I know they care about me and never have to question
• Someone who initiates--text, conversations, plans, nookie, gifts, whatever! *This goes back to me being a giver. I'm often the first one to initiate.
• Someone who is spontaneous. Sometimes the spirit moves me to do something and it shouldn't be ignored.
• Someone who can hold his own at events and parties. Events are my job and I need support, but I can't have someone who is by my side the entire night. I've got a room to work and he should do the same.
• Someone who is just as comfortable getting dressed up for a night out, rocking out all night for karaoke or staying home to cuddle on the couch with a movie.
• Someone who will cook for/with me.
• Someone who will communicate with me. In this age of the interwebz and gadgets, there's no reason for not communicating, unless you just can't express yourself and be open. That's not for me.
• Someone who will always date me...meaning take me out on dates. Even when we're old, I still want to be wined and dined.
• Someone who loves his job and career. This is something that is very important to me and other people who share the same passion get this.
• Someone who other women flirt with and he'll flirt back. Wait, wait...don't get the wrong idea here. By other women flirting with him, it means he's attractive and I did done good! And him flirting back...he can look, but he can't touch! ;)
• Someone who can put me in my place...gently and lovingly...when I need it. I'm not always a bowl of fun. I know this. I want someone who cares enough to tell me when I need to chill.
• Bring on the witty banter. That might as well be listed as foreplay for me.
• Someone I can be 'me' with...in all my quirkiness.
• Someone who will take care of me...and that I can let take care of me.

I think this is a pretty honest list from me, though a conversation last night with The Okie may have some influence here. Then again...maybe he hasn't since I don't know if he's this complete list. Not that it means he can't become this list if things move forward. Granted, he may have a similar list including things that I'm not aware of but we can always share these lists of 'What do I want' with each other.

This post didn't start in my head as a list of things I want, but I'm glad I've listed that. My girlfriends have asked me this question time and time again over the past few months and it's good to make this list for reference. This way I KNOW what it is that I want and what's important to me.

I don't want to go into may details about the conversation with The Okie last night, but I will say that we're both on the same page about each other. We don't want to mess our friendship up, but are interested in each other. We both have areas we need to work on in order to make "us" a possibility. We need to talk more about whether or not we're ready to do that. The weird/funny/exciting/scary thing is that I trust him.

Not only are my head and my heart in agreement (which I don't take lightly), but my gut is telling me it's OK as well. The trifecta of YES is a bit much to ignore...don't you think?

Is it possible to die of anxiety?

This week has been a doozie...and that's an understatement. I think I've cried more this week than I have this entire year. My heart feels like it's beating a million beats a minute. My 'to do' list is completely overwhelming (so I ignore it). I'm in a bizarre love triangle with a guy who tells me I'm beautiful (more on that) and a guy who I'm interested in who doesn't even think to tell me he's not making it to my event. I'm financially fucked. Yes--I just said that. And then there's the whole work/job thing. I mean...it's been 7 months since I started a new job. I'm due for a change. All of this is topped off by my dog, who makes this all semi-bearable, until he decides to chew up my bathroom WALLS. #FML

I have had mini panic attacks this week and even now, as I type this, I can feel it in my chest, racing through to my fingertips. Hoping by the time I finish this post I feel a little bit of relief.

So where to start? **Pardon the running of thoughts I'm about to list, but I just need to get it all out before the tears short circuit my laptop.

• Job--I don't hate my job right now, but after listing out the 20+ areas I manage and finding out the colleague on our team (who I consider to be the glue between me and my supervisor in NY) is leaving next week, I've decided I can't take on anymore...so much so that I've talked to HR in my office about best way to approach this, if this is normal and if I'm just being a baby about all of this. Her answer--I have way too much on my plate and need to get rid of some of it. Easier said than done. When I've approached this subject in the past, I'm told that 'We're all busy...we have to do it.'
  
• Job opportunities--Had a call last week with a great company I believe in for an amazing job, but it's not paying enough. I have an application in for a job that is super exciting and would get me back into conference planning. Then there's the company that my friend (the "James Blunt" guy from above) has been talking to me about since November. I finally saw a demo the other night and holy crap--I love it, I love the company, I love the people, I love their philosophy. Just need to get clear info on the job and salary.
  
• Home--I know that there is a direct correlation between how messy my apartment is to how chaotic my life is. Funny enough, at the end of the day, I want to come home to my 'haven' but instead, I'm stressed out by the piles of stuff around my living space. What a catch22. Must remedy this ASAP in hopes to see a change in the anxiety levels.
• Dog--this must be what unconditional love really is because if it's not that, I would put him on the corner so he could go home with someone else and chew up their walls. I kid...I kid...I need to get a kennel ASAP and start putting him in that when I'm gone, which should keep us both a little more sane.
• Finances--I'm fucked. Let's just leave it at that.
• Guys--had a faux date with a good friend the other night who for the longest time has told me he would totally date me, but I can't bring myself to do it. Once I find my interest peeked a bit...he then tells me about a mutual friend he's fucked. NICE! He says he's ready to settle down and find a nice girl. Funny enough, when we went out the other night, he told me he has a degree in theology. That blew my mind...he was on track to become a pastor. He also told me I'm beautiful and that guys don't tell me that enough...and that I don't believe it enough. Talk about a low blow...but he's right about that entire statement.
  
• Guys part 2--Good guy...great guy, actually. He's going through things and I'm going through things. I don't think we want the same thing right now. We barely talk to each other...even via AIM or text. We barely know each other and it's like pulling teeth to have conversations to get to know him better. I understand he's super busy...he really is and I totally understand that. And I'm fighting the urge to become the encourager for him and stroking his ego too much. Why? Because I'm getting very little from him...hardly anything initiated from him and truth be told, I think he has a few other girls on the line. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to soften the "why isn't he in to me" blow or maybe there's truth there. And I'm not ruling out the obvious point that of bitterness on my side either. Guy 2 and I are supposed to do something this weekend, but nothing has been confirmed. I'm not going to push it...I can't do it anymore. Screw the thought "He's just not that in to you." The words that echo in my mind day after day after day right now are "Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Well, my fingers are tingling with anxiety anymore and my heart rate has slowed down so maybe this was beneficial. Let's hope it continues on for a while or I may have to post again.

Friends and strangers...if you're reading this, give me some things to think about...suggestions for managing this craziness I call life...ways to decompress...push back on things I've shared...play devil's advocate. BRING IT ON!

Where's that Passion??

So often I find myself living life with no direction or purpose. Yes, I'm successful, have tons of friends, and life isn't bad, but I'm not making a difference. I'm just 'being'. I'm happy, but think there's more I could be doing that would bring true happiness to my life.

For the past 4 years, I've had the philosophy that you should be passionate about what you are doing in life. That could be through your job, your hobbies, or even volunteering. Though I've had some tough spots the past few months with my job, I really am happy. But happy doesn't equal passionate. I need to find that passion somewhere else.

Hobbies--I like taking photographs. I like entertaining. I like dancing. I like connecting people. But I'm not PASSIONATE about any of these. So often I tell myself I don't have time or I'm too tired to do most of these things, but if I was truly passionate about these, I'd find time. **Note to self--start taking vitamins. That will help with the tired excuse.

Volunteering--I miss working with my Sorority. I didn't think there were any chapters near me, but I just looked at the website for my sorority and there's a chapter at USF AND an Alumnae chapter in SF. I'm emailing both today. I'm also emailing the National Headquarters about being involved with Social Media, which I've done in the past and never heard anything. Go me!

I'm tired of life passing me by. I want to take control of the experiences I have and the opportunities that are right in front of my face. I want that PASSION that I tell everyone they should have.

I'm such a procrastinator that I'm missing out on a lot of things. I have great ideas and get excited about things, but for whatever reason, never act on them. Having just attended my 56 year old uncle's funeral and with my 33rd birthday quickly approaching, I keep hearing Ferris Bueller in my head:

Life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.