Wednesday, May 13, 2009

And I'm back...

Wow--it's been over 5 months since I've posted here. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've started a public blog and have tried focusing my efforts there. However, it's hard for me to be 100% transparent as it's tied to my 'personal brand' and there are things I need to get out that aren't quite appropriate for the public side. I just can't do it...yet.

This has been a super rough week. I'm have a mini-crisis of career path. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not just career path, it's life path. The age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" keeps rolling around in my head and to be honest, I don't have an answer, which is where the crisis comes in.

I was laid off from a job I thought was great just over a month ago. I was there less then 90 days and never saw it coming. I feel like I failed. That I didn't do things the right way. That working 12 hour days to get things in order wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for that job. I had another job offer before I even walked out of the office for the last time.

What I'm doing now is OK, but I don't know if it's what I want to do long-term. I'm trying to tell myself that we're still on a learning curve right now as I'm trying to help this person get things in order with his personal brand and his company. He is traveling and speaking all over the world (has written a few books) as well as is still involved in his company. I'm here to help him manage both areas as well as advance both areas. I enjoy this as it involves strategic thinking (which I <3) and organization. What is killing me right now is working with him to recondition the way he works. I feel like a constant nag and am giving up on trying to manage him. I can't do that.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm doing this because I like to help friends. Yes, we've been friends for a while and he's been asking me for help for months, but I couldn't do it due to my full-time work. As soon as I saw that wasn't going to be an option much longer and mentioned it to him, he told me he'd hire me on the spot. Talk about perfect timing. He definitely needs the help, and he'll be the first one to admit it. I just don't want to stay committed to it because I want to help him out and because he needs it. I want to stay committed to it because I love it.

As if that wasn't enough, I've now had 2 other friends come to me with offers for full-time jobs. I trust both of these people and highly respect them. I know either one of them could say the word and I'd be set. The problem with these is that they are for corporations, big, international companies, and I don't think I'd have the freedom of schedule the way I do right now if I joined on as an employee. Granted, neither one of them has made an offer (one won't come until later in June). Having just come from an 8am-5pm corporate, cubicle setting, I don't think I want to go back to that.

Then there's the money. I know I'm not charging my current client enough on an hourly rate. I underestimate myself. The good news is one of the job offers is someone who knows how much I'm being paid and has told me that's not enough. I know she'll look out for me when the offer comes from her. I need to be OK with charging what I'm worth. If I wasn't so kickass, people wouldn't be coming to me with job offers when I'm not seeking them out, right?

People are telling me to start my own company. That scares me...what if there isn't income? What if I don't have a client or two? What would I do with my company? Events? Organization? Rent-a-mom, which is what I sometimes feel like. Starting my own company feels like there's some major responsibility with it. Hell, who am I kidding...I've been contracting with people for over a year. People are hiring me, but the position changes from client to client. And usually I'm hired for full-time work, so I don't see what the difference is in me doing my own thing as a full-time contractor vs. being an employee. Benefits vs. being on call all the time?

It irks me so much that I don't know what I want to do. This is not the normal me. I usually have a plan and am rocking the world with that plan. I'm not wishy-washy, yet lately, I feel very much like Charlie Brown and have no idea what the eff is going on.

Funk, funk, go away...before I have to kick your a**.