Monday, August 24, 2009

Am I Only An Option?

"Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Wow--what a wake-up call and something I need to remind myself of each and every day. I wish I could claim that I was the brilliant mind who originally said that, but I can't. I read it somewhere on Twitter months ago and it's stuck with me ever since. 

To update on previous posts, things are pretty much no longer with the guy. Once I got back from my trip, I sent an email asking what was going on and he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, even though he really cares about me, and still wanted to be friends. Since then, I've been all over the place with, I can't be 'just friends' and I want to make this, I already have 'friends' and I don't want to talk to you anymore...Friends with benefits? If that's what you want (even if I don't)...Who cares about being friends, let's just have benefits. And where have we ended up? A two-week break in communication (per his suggestion, so I can get over him) and we're friends. Yet, it feels weird.

Yesterday was the end of the two weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to contact him; that he could contact me when he was ready to be friends. I was surprised by the email I got yesterday in response to a tweet about buying a new laptop. He seemed nervous & awkward in the email. I responded with a 'thanks. off to test drive a few right now' and he responded immediately to that email.

It feels weird...very weird.

I bought a plane ticket a while back to surprise him for his birthday in a few weeks. He doesn't know that I did that. He mentioned this weekend (yes, I'm doing Social Media Stalking) about his birthday weekend and what he's planning. My ticket covers me being in his city for his birthday and birthday party. However, I committed to being in San Francisco that weekend, so now I know I won't use that ticket for that trip. Thankfully, I have another trip to Austin I can use that for instead.

Things I've learned from all of this (and need to blog about):
  • I'm very hurt and think it's a combination of how much I care for him and the feeling that my trust has been broken.
  • The wall that I've torn down has started building back up. I can't let that happen again.
  • I do want to be in a relationship and that's not a bad thing. 
  • I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone to love it hasn't happened yet.
  • I'm really pissed that he didn't even give "us" a chance (which also applies to a recent job I was turned down for, because I didn't live in the city...even after they said that commuting would work).
Yes, we were only seeing each other for 2 months.
Yes, we were moving fast, at least in the emotional sense.
Yes, this has affected me in a bad way.

I don't usually do this. 
I don't date. 
I don't fall for just anyone.

Which is why I've built that wall. If dating and getting to know someone is going to hurt like this, I don't want to do it again.

Yes, being single is painful and very sad at times, but I can't keep questioning what is wrong with me and wondering if I need to change things to be what someone wants. 

Because obviously, whatever I'm doing right now, isn't working for anyone I've met in my 32 years of life...and I've met a lot of people. 
**And I can already hear those of you reading this getting mad at me for these thoughts, but I'm just being honest about the crap that's in my head.**