"Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."
Wow--what a wake-up call and something I need to remind myself of each and every day. I wish I could claim that I was the brilliant mind who originally said that, but I can't. I read it somewhere on Twitter months ago and it's stuck with me ever since.
To update on previous posts, things are pretty much no longer with the guy. Once I got back from my trip, I sent an email asking what was going on and he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, even though he really cares about me, and still wanted to be friends. Since then, I've been all over the place with him...no, I can't be 'just friends' and I want to make this work...no, I already have 'friends' and I don't want to talk to you anymore...Friends with benefits? If that's what you want (even if I don't)...Who cares about being friends, let's just have benefits. And where have we ended up? A two-week break in communication (per his suggestion, so I can get over him) and we're friends. Yet, it feels weird.
Yesterday was the end of the two weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to contact him; that he could contact me when he was ready to be friends. I was surprised by the email I got yesterday in response to a tweet about buying a new laptop. He seemed nervous & awkward in the email. I responded with a 'thanks. off to test drive a few right now' and he responded immediately to that email.
It feels weird...very weird.
I bought a plane ticket a while back to surprise him for his birthday in a few weeks. He doesn't know that I did that. He mentioned this weekend (yes, I'm doing Social Media Stalking) about his birthday weekend and what he's planning. My ticket covers me being in his city for his birthday and birthday party. However, I committed to being in San Francisco that weekend, so now I know I won't use that ticket for that trip. Thankfully, I have another trip to Austin I can use that for instead.
Things I've learned from all of this (and need to blog about):
- I'm very hurt and think it's a combination of how much I care for him and the feeling that my trust has been broken.
- The wall that I've torn down has started building back up. I can't let that happen again.
- I do want to be in a relationship and that's not a bad thing.
- I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone to love me...as it hasn't happened yet.
- I'm really pissed that he didn't even give "us" a chance (which also applies to a recent job I was turned down for, because I didn't live in the city...even after they said that commuting would work).
Yes, we were only seeing each other for 2 months.
Yes, we were moving fast, at least in the emotional sense.
Yes, this has affected me in a bad way.
But...
I don't usually do this.
I don't date.
I don't fall for just anyone.
Which is why I've built that wall. If dating and getting to know someone is going to hurt like this, I don't want to do it again.
Yes, being single is painful and very sad at times, but I can't keep questioning what is wrong with me and wondering if I need to change things to be what someone wants.
Because obviously, whatever I'm doing right now, isn't working for anyone I've met in my 32 years of life...and I've met a lot of people.
**And I can already hear those of you reading this getting mad at me for these thoughts, but I'm just being honest about the crap that's in my head.**
3 comments:
I think what you are feeling is incredibly natural and human. Don't beat yourself up about it.
What I've noticed is that I've gotten more cautious in love as I've gotten older. This makes starting anything really hard. I have serious walls up. Then someone pursues me hard enough to think, "Wow...he's really into me. Maybe I should soften my defenses and enjoy this." and every time, as soon as I've let myself feel and enjoy, the motherfucker pulls a 'too busy for a relationship' or a 'I'm just not ready' or even a 'this is moving too fast', which is a real sore spot since I was putting the brakes on until he convinced me otherwise.
Grrrrr.
So, yes. I totally, completely hear where you are coming from. And you shouldn't be friends with him. No way. He gets all of the benefits and you get all of the pain. It's much better to move along from that.
Now what do we do about the wall of pain that we've built around us? The lack of being able to trust? How do we decipher those boys who obviously are in it for the pursuit (as soon as they have us, they don't want us? WTF?) from those men who are sincerely into us and trustworthy?
That I don't know yet. But maybe we can explore it together. And maybe we can compare a list of the signs to watch out for.
Big dilemma of how do you break down walls/let someone in without knowing if it's worth it. Grrrrr and double grrrrr.
Yes, we shall explore how do we decipher those boys from the men. I have some ideas and have been looking at match.com. Am I crazy?
Apparently, just because there's art on the wall doesn't mean he's a man. ;)
Agree w/ you both. Men/Boys are hard to figure out. Even the ones you think you know.
Don't give up. There will be someone that will be worth all the pain and trials. And remember you are not alone.
Many times I think dudes have in inability to handle smart, focused, determined woman that already have great things going on in there life. I am sure it is a real ego smasher to meet an example of one of the women who are smarter than them and more successful and not willing to put up with their crap.
This guy obviously has no idea what he had in you as a friend, or a friend with benefits, let him party on with himself where he was before you crossed paths.
HANG IN THERE.
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