And I'm back...

Wow--it's been over 5 months since I've posted here. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've started a public blog and have tried focusing my efforts there. However, it's hard for me to be 100% transparent as it's tied to my 'personal brand' and there are things I need to get out that aren't quite appropriate for the public side. I just can't do it...yet.

This has been a super rough week. I'm have a mini-crisis of career path. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not just career path, it's life path. The age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" keeps rolling around in my head and to be honest, I don't have an answer, which is where the crisis comes in.

I was laid off from a job I thought was great just over a month ago. I was there less then 90 days and never saw it coming. I feel like I failed. That I didn't do things the right way. That working 12 hour days to get things in order wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for that job. I had another job offer before I even walked out of the office for the last time.

What I'm doing now is OK, but I don't know if it's what I want to do long-term. I'm trying to tell myself that we're still on a learning curve right now as I'm trying to help this person get things in order with his personal brand and his company. He is traveling and speaking all over the world (has written a few books) as well as is still involved in his company. I'm here to help him manage both areas as well as advance both areas. I enjoy this as it involves strategic thinking (which I <3) and organization. What is killing me right now is working with him to recondition the way he works. I feel like a constant nag and am giving up on trying to manage him. I can't do that.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm doing this because I like to help friends. Yes, we've been friends for a while and he's been asking me for help for months, but I couldn't do it due to my full-time work. As soon as I saw that wasn't going to be an option much longer and mentioned it to him, he told me he'd hire me on the spot. Talk about perfect timing. He definitely needs the help, and he'll be the first one to admit it. I just don't want to stay committed to it because I want to help him out and because he needs it. I want to stay committed to it because I love it.

As if that wasn't enough, I've now had 2 other friends come to me with offers for full-time jobs. I trust both of these people and highly respect them. I know either one of them could say the word and I'd be set. The problem with these is that they are for corporations, big, international companies, and I don't think I'd have the freedom of schedule the way I do right now if I joined on as an employee. Granted, neither one of them has made an offer (one won't come until later in June). Having just come from an 8am-5pm corporate, cubicle setting, I don't think I want to go back to that.

Then there's the money. I know I'm not charging my current client enough on an hourly rate. I underestimate myself. The good news is one of the job offers is someone who knows how much I'm being paid and has told me that's not enough. I know she'll look out for me when the offer comes from her. I need to be OK with charging what I'm worth. If I wasn't so kickass, people wouldn't be coming to me with job offers when I'm not seeking them out, right?

People are telling me to start my own company. That scares me...what if there isn't income? What if I don't have a client or two? What would I do with my company? Events? Organization? Rent-a-mom, which is what I sometimes feel like. Starting my own company feels like there's some major responsibility with it. Hell, who am I kidding...I've been contracting with people for over a year. People are hiring me, but the position changes from client to client. And usually I'm hired for full-time work, so I don't see what the difference is in me doing my own thing as a full-time contractor vs. being an employee. Benefits vs. being on call all the time?

It irks me so much that I don't know what I want to do. This is not the normal me. I usually have a plan and am rocking the world with that plan. I'm not wishy-washy, yet lately, I feel very much like Charlie Brown and have no idea what the eff is going on.

Funk, funk, go away...before I have to kick your a**.

Back home...

I've been traveling since my last post. How foolish of me to think I'd blog while on the road. There's no way I could've done that as I look back on all that happened.

The first trip was business and was OK. It was a great opportunity to really put my 30-day challenge to work and I failed. The first night, a major party, I only wanted to talk to the people I knew and hang out with them. It was hard for me to really get out there and chat with new people. The more I think about it, the more I think part of it has to do with my lack of knowledge about the space I'm in. There's so much happening in this community and it's constantly changing. It's overwhelming, to be honest... And while we're being honest, I can also say I just am not interested in maintaining more and more contacts, names and 'friends'. That's the other part of not wanting to meet new people. My contact list is already so overwhelming.

The second trip was a little of business and a lot of pleasure, in more ways than one. Work part of the trip went well, though balancing time between work and fun is always hard when traveling. The people I visited are great. I needed to see them again as I'm always inspired by each of them. They're genuinely amazing people. We had lots of fun as a group...I always enjoy life more when I'm with them.

There were some shenanigans that happened that I wasn't expecting, at least not to the level we took it too. I think getting two people together who have been flirting long-distance for a few weeks could only mean trouble, but fun trouble. Or as he called it before I arrived, "beautiful disaster." It was definitely beautiful and not necessarily disaster, though not right either. Funny thing is, I don't regret it and am happy it happened. I care deeply for this guy and think he's amazing. If nothing comes from this...I'm OK with that. I actually am not expecting anything to come from this. If this same thing happened a few months ago, I'd be a freakin' wreck over-analyzing things right now. Maybe I needed this in order to move forward in my way of thinking about relationships and having fun.

I think I'm moving forward/growing up just a bit. There's much more to learn and I'm ready...

I need a routine

Lately, I've felt very scatterbrained. In my work, in my personal life, in everything really.

Seeing as I work whenever I want, and sometimes from home, I don't usually set an alarm and just wake up whenever. This tends to be between 7am and 8am on most mornings and I usually have the laptop open by 8am. I then catch up on facebook/twitter feeds from the evening before and then check out emails. I don't have an official 'start time' for work...it just kinda happens.

Throughout the day, I try to keep up with emails and take phone calls as they come in. I've been pretty bad about not making a list of what needs to happen. I'm coming into a season where I have multiple things going on and really need to stay on top of it all. When I don't get things down on paper, it's not a good thing. I know I waste time this way and can't prioritize what needs to happen.

Don't even get me started on how my personal life is getting neglected due to my lack of routine. Things like paying bills, getting birthday presents sent off, calling my parents, doing laundry, grocery shopping, are all forgotten about on a regular basis. They aren't a priority for me. I've even noticed lately that I'm putting less effort into my appearance when I go out. That's NOT good!

I need to get my butt in gear and get this in order. Life is way too short to continue lolly gagging. I feel like I don't have purpose or direction. I'm just 'doing' life. I'm not really 'living' life.

I've decided and am almost ready to give life my 100% undivided attention for a month. I want to get my life in order, do good and help others as much as I can, get out there and meet new people (both personally and professionally) and be completely open to interactions with men, including accepting offers for dates (if any come my way) and doing the asking (if need be--was recently told that because of my work position and the tech community, I may have to be the asker. Scary!)

Yep...I leave tomorrow for a big work trip to Vegas. I'm embracing this new month-long challenge right now and am ready to 'live life' for the next 30 days. I will not compromise my beliefs or morals and I will not shy away from the challenge. And yes, it will be challenging. In order to hold myself accountable, I'll even commit to blogging for the next 30 days about my adventures. *Now I'm just talking crazy talk...*

Anyone else up for creating your own 30-day challenge to go alongside mine? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller???

Day 1 starts tomorrow...no really.