Monday, September 1, 2008

So much to say

It's been 3+ weeks since I've posted and that wasn't even a great post. Yes, I've been busy, but that's not why I haven't posted. Let's be real honest...it has more to do with avoiding issues than anything else. I've debated how to tackle all that's happened, but I think the best option right now will be to bullet point and then go back and do separate posts, digging deeper into it all. Let's get started, shall we?


  • Relationships--this is such a F'd up area in my life. Has been for many years and will continue for many more. At least that's how I feel now. Last time I posted, I wrote about a developing crush. Update--I put it all out there, told him I'd like to do something--just the two of us--and he said he'd really like that and that we should. He then asked if I just asked him out on a date. I said, "Yes, because you wouldn't step up to do it." I may have castrated him at that point. That was 2 weeks ago yesterday and we've yet to do anything. This deserves an entire post devoted to it...but let's say that I think I blew it.

  • Work--still amazing, though recently have had some rough spots. Wasn't sure what my spot really was with the company, but after talking with the CEO, he's confirmed that he wants me around and that issues I'm having aren't from my side. Hearing this has really encouraged me to step up to the plate and take control of what I've been hired to do.

  • Getting settled in--I'm now officially a Californian resident and have license plates and a drivers license to prove it! Now that I'm closer to San Francisco, I'm going into the city more and more often, not only for fun, but also for work. Actually, those two tend to become one most of the time. Which leads me to...

  • Social life--Do I have one of these? I'm trying to figure out how to separate work/personal life, but it's hard as I haven't branched out of my work circle as of yet. Everything I do has to do with those within that work network, even if it's just hanging out. I'm very careful about who I let know me...I mean REALLY know me (and if you're reading this and know my first name, you should feel special!) This leads me to...

  • Being someone I'm not--Because of the recent 'spotlight' I've been in, due to my job, I'm meeting more and more people and am going out more and more. I feel like I'm being someone I'm not, for the sake of the job. I need to get out and meet people, but my gosh--I'm going to need a new liver soon! I have been drinking more and more (not out of control, but 3-5 nights a week, which is more than I'm used to!) I'm really trying to figure out how to meet people I'm supposed to (and that I want to) for the job without becoming 'the party girl.' I think I need to take a step or two back for a while. Yes, I know I can go to events and not drink, which is easy for me to do, but it's still the factor of going to events/parties to meet people, which seems to be the thing to do within the community I'm working with.

  • Feeling alone--I've always been independent and am OK on my own, but recently have had feelings of abandonment. The sad thing is that I think this is just as much my fault as anyone else's. I get so tired of reaching out to my parents, trying to maintain that relationship that I just don't anymore. They're really all I have that's guaranteed in my life right now and I shouldn't take it for granted. The relationship between my biological father and myself has been strained since the divorce, but with my mom/step-dad...it's been taken to a whole new level, even more so since I moved to CA. Again, an entire post on this will need to be written soon.

  • Cliche's--"It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all." Really? Wondering if I'll ever get a chance to experience the other side to 'never loving.' Was out with some girlfriends (and a guy friend) and was told "You're beautiful, smart, funny, and with all the guys you're working with, you'll be dating in no time." If only it was that easy. :-/ Was once told that I put off a "I don't want to date ANYONE" vibe and now wondering if that's really true. My theory is that I intimidate guys, however, when I asked the guy in bullet point one if I intimidated him, he replied "No, not at all." Which then makes me wonder "What the F* is wrong with me??!?!??!"

  • Dinner with the ladies--Met with some amazing women a week ago for a great dinner and conversation. The question of the evening was if we were happy with where we were right now. I don't know how to answer that question..which is OK, or is it? Another separate post on this to come...

  • Losing my religion--I'm so far away from God right now, which was a base in my life for so long. Things are even harder now that I'm away from my community of believers, even though I was struggling with them anyways. I go back and forth between wanting to come back and not giving a crap. I still believe God exists, that's not even a question. I've been told that doubting and questioning is a good place to be when it comes to faith as it will only deepen what I believe in. May be a while before I'm ready to tackle this one.



I think that's a good list to get started with. I'm ready for the hard core, honest truth here...so comment with your thoughts, DM or Email me (if you know that info) and lay it on me. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the deal is with my life. I've had overwhelming feelings of just giving up (no, I don't want to kill myself--it's not that bad!) If I could just sit back and watch life pass me by for a while, I think I might. Not sure I could do that without becoming a loser, so I guess I'll just keep on truckin'.

I really want to tackle this list with individual posts soon...I've missed you all. Plans to catch up on my reading after a quick shower. ;)

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yay for update posts!

Relationships - Good for you for asking him out! If he's not doing something with you only because of what you said, then he's a big baby and you're better off. Some guys need to grow a pair and realize that just because a woman asked them out that it doesn't make them any less of a man. Agreeing to go out and then not makes them less of a man.

Work - Sounds hectic! Glad you smoothed things over with the CEO and I hope the issues you're dealing with get resolved soon.

Getting settled in - Congrats!! I enjoyed my time in California, but I couldn't imagine living there. I'll just live through you.

Social life - This will take time. At least you do have some friends through work so you're not a wallflower every Saturday night. It took me a year-ish after I moved back to Chicago to develop a group of friends. I know you will too.

Being someone I'm not - This is difficult because of the politics of the job. I know my ex felt pressure to go out every night and drink a crap load just to please the people he worked with. Some times you just need to say no, even for just one night, and feel like you still have some control over who you are.

Feeling alone - I'm with you lady! I look forward to reading more about this.

Cliches - Meh. Who needs em? You're young, successful and having a fun time. It will happen when it's supposed to. Don't think that there's something wrong with you just because it hasn't.

Anonymous said...

"I feel like I'm being someone I'm not, for the sake of the job."

You know, I was going to say that you're really settling in and it sounds like you're having great fun. I hope it's not all just a show for work and whatnot because that would be sad.

I'm glad for he update though. It's nice to know how you're doing. And thanks for the slipcover suggestions. I'll be looking into those dowels and screw thingies.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I've reread this. Might I suggest that you take some time and think about what you want (and don't want). Make those lists, dream big. It sounds hokey, but trust me, it really helps to put things in perspective and let's you know where to focus your energy and what you want to change.