Week 5 in Everyday Commitments is the very thought behind this blog. It says, "Our goal is not perfection, only commitment to ongoing work on ourselves." It goes on to say, "The work is that of addressing, processing and resolving issues that remain unfinished from our past or are stressful in the present." The chapter has suggestions of themes that this type of work revolves around. These are great themes that have been listed and I'll add my comments after each theme, in order to process. ;)
- We explore our childhood and recognize how it now impacts our adult relationships and our self-confidence. In grad school, I did a research paper on how adult children from divorced families views on dating and marriage were different than those from non-divorced families. I think I was trying to figure out why my dating life is null and void...you know, trying to blame my parents. Isn't it interesting how much our childhood impacts who we are as adults. However, I do believe that since my mom/parents never really encouraged me or praised me, I don't thrive on that from others. I'm very self-confident in what I do and think it's a result of the lack of it growing up.
- We look at our fears, addictions, self-criticism, and obsessions. We notice whether we are comfortable with feelings. We consider whether guilt or shame inhibit us. I think I've just recently become comfortable with my fears, self-criticism and feelings. It's freeing to be able to recognize these areas and process them and then move on as needed. I don't let those areas rule my life, which is an area I've had to work on and will continue to do so for the rest of my life, I'm sure.
- We look at our ego with its need to control others or to act from a sense of entitlement to special treatment. This one really hits home. I used to think I was 'owed' or 'entitled' to a lot of things. Maybe because I worked hard for it or because someone told me it would happen, but now...I realize it's not about me. Just this last week, I've been going through something where I could easily let my ego get the best of the situation and could believe I was owed some things. Instead, I know that the situation is not ideal, but again, it's not about me (I can't control this person's decision) and it'll all work out in the end.
- We ask ourselves if we are assertive rather than passive or aggressive in our relationships with others. Again, just this week, I made my feelings known. Was it pretty--not at all. It was honest and raw, but a true expression of what I was feeling. This is a HUGE step for me. In high school and college, if I got mad about something, I'd literally leave the situation. I mean, get in my car and physically leave because I couldn't express without being aggressive what I was feeling. I hated being that way and it's taken years for me to be OK with really express what I'm thinking and feeling with others. There's no shame in feeling hurt, angry, upset, etc. but to be passive/aggressive is usually worse than expressing any of those other things.
- We look at our intimate relationships to see how contented, fearless, and loving they are. This is one that's getting me into trouble, to be real honest. It's great to have intimate relationships, but I'm trying to figure out how intimate you can get with a friend without crossing boundaries. I have to agree that it's absolutely wonderful to have someone I can be honest/fearless with and know that I'm cared for. This is a gray area that I wish was more defined. :(
The closing of this chapter in the book says all that needs to be said:
"After addressing these five areas we process what comes up from each of them. We do this by feeling fully whatever they arouse in us. We pay attention to how they hook up to past events and relationships. We notice if we have built in defenses against knowing about all this. This attentiveness to our own story leads us to resolve the issues that have made it so dramatic or inhibiting. As a result, we can restructure our lives in ways that raise our self-esteem and make us more compassionate toward others. Our psychological work is balances by our growth in spiritual consciousness, which is preciously the theme of the commitments and practices in this book."
Wow--I hope this has been as encouraging to you as it has to me to really take the time and think about how past events have shaped who you are, how to learn from them and how to be a better person because of where you've been.
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