I don't have a relationship with my biological father. I usually get a card from him on my birthday and then I call him on Father's Day (which is sometimes the same day.)
I remember last year, my birthday came first...and he didn't call me. In return, I was a brat and didn't call him on Father's Day. Our conversations are always awkward and to be honest, I'd rather not put forth the effort most of the time to make small talk.However, I've had the urge to tell him some important things over the past 6 months. I need to tell him I forgive him...for lots of things and that I'm sorry and wish we had a better relationship, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't really forgive him. Maybe it has to do with the fact that there are things that I think happened that have never been brought up. Maybe I don't want to know the truth. Maybe the hurt just runs way too deep to even start to uncover and figure out.
I hate when the fear of the unknown outcome is greater than the suckiness of what is currently in place. How do we overcome that fear and move to be OK with whatever the outcome is, even if it's worse than what the current situation is?
1 comment:
Hi! I am estranged from my father too. It's a fragile and awkward situation with intense emotions. Sometimes I think about wanting to say certain things because what would happen if he died? But then I can't bring myself to do it even though he's had 2 near death experiences -- I was at his bedside for complications after heart surgery and his brain surgery. Your cheap therapy blog group is great! And I will keep you posted on the bra thing because you presented a unique challenge.
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