The wait is over...

I finally heard today that the position I thought was made for me has been offered to someone else. As happy as I am to finally know, it's been very hard to accept.

My confidence has been smashed to pieces. Questions of "What did I do wrong" are plaguing me. My thoughts are occupied by questions of "What now?" and "Why?" Physically, my body is not happy with the news as I'm not hungry, am crying uncontrolably and every so often I can't breathe because I'm so freaked out.

I still have a job, so why am I so upset about this? For some reason, and I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I'm am extremely unhappy in my job. This has only been the case starting about 6 months ago and over the past few weeks, it's been all I could do to stay at work each day (part of this was the potential job offer, I think).

What sucks is I have no idea what I'd like to do. I don't think I want to go back to the recreation field because of the hours. I don't think I want to be an administrative assistant again, though I enjoy most of what that entails. I'm not trained enough for an Event Planner position, other than the one I currently have. When did I lose the dream of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm really not sure that dream was ever clear to me, but at least I had something.

I'm almost 30...in just a few weeks. This is not how I had imagined my life. I think this is a huge part of what is bothering me right now, as I've just started crying again. I hate my life right now. I hate my financial situation. Work sucks. I can't stand my living situation (in an apartment with a roommate), yet have no other options. Life sucks! And where's the man that's supposed to bring me happiness, huh? I want someone I can share all the crap going on in my life with, who will encourage me and listen and not feed me BS about "it's all going to be ok" and "everything happens for a reason" but will be mad with me and feel my pain. I'm tired of waiting...where the hell is he?

I don't know that this entry has made me feel any better, but at least I've been able to get in to words some of the things that have royally pissed me off right now.