Ready. Set. GO!

As I reflect on what has happened in my spiritual life over the past 7 months, I'm experiencing a range of emotions....shock, sadness, guilt, embarrassment, relief, encouragement, and fear. I've felt so distant from God since November. That's when it all started going downhill. I hit a low in February, when I realized I didn't want to be in my job anymore, and was at the bottom of the pit just over a month ago. I'm talking serious depression because I didn't get a job that I had placed so much hope in. Thankfully, and this is where the relief is coming from, I'm making my way back to solid ground.

Why have I felt so distant from God? Did He leave me? No...He never leaves me. I have become quite good at building a wall between He and I, especially when things aren't going my way. (I feel like such a brat even typing that, but it's good to be able to admit it!) I could hear Him whispering to me, but it became muted due to the wall I was building.

The wall started coming down when things were looking up. I found a job that I was very interested in, had two interviews and was positive they were going to offer it to me. I was reading my Bible again and praying more. I even heard His whispers during that time, a little louder because I started taking the wall down.

Then came the realization I wasn't being offered the job, followed by the letter stating I wasn't being offered the job. I have not been that upset in many, many years. I cried for two days. I went in to work on the third day and my boss told me to take it easy and go home as he could tell I wasn't doing as well as I was letting on. More tears. I pulled the bricks out and started building the wall again.

Since then, I've really been ignoring God. I refuse to spend time with Him. I'm not real interested in talking to Him. I don't want to hear what He has to say to me. His voice, however, was loud enough to make the wall fall. It's the same thing I've heard Him saying the past times. "TRUST ME! Just trust me."

My current prayer is if God has me in my current workplace for a reason, to let me be there 100%. I'm always one to be fully committed to what I'm working on and with the possibility of my leaving being a factor, it's been very hard for me to fully be present in my job. I've had some hurt feelings over the past few months, mostly from my supervisor, and hope to reconcile these this week. He's always been one to be open to hearing me and working with me. He's moving soon and I'm hoping these things can be addressed before he leaves the office, yet remains my supervisor.

So, here I am...committing that I am ready to trust God, 100%. This has been something I've said in the past, numerous times, in fact, yet I'm really hoping I mean it this time. I feel like I do, but my record has been to avoid areas when the going gets tough. I figure if I avoid it, it's really not there, right?

Here's to trusting God. I have no idea how things are going to work and am ready to make sacrifices, but I'm looking forward to the journey with Christ!