And I'm back...

Wow--it's been over 5 months since I've posted here. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've started a public blog and have tried focusing my efforts there. However, it's hard for me to be 100% transparent as it's tied to my 'personal brand' and there are things I need to get out that aren't quite appropriate for the public side. I just can't do it...yet.

This has been a super rough week. I'm have a mini-crisis of career path. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not just career path, it's life path. The age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" keeps rolling around in my head and to be honest, I don't have an answer, which is where the crisis comes in.

I was laid off from a job I thought was great just over a month ago. I was there less then 90 days and never saw it coming. I feel like I failed. That I didn't do things the right way. That working 12 hour days to get things in order wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for that job. I had another job offer before I even walked out of the office for the last time.

What I'm doing now is OK, but I don't know if it's what I want to do long-term. I'm trying to tell myself that we're still on a learning curve right now as I'm trying to help this person get things in order with his personal brand and his company. He is traveling and speaking all over the world (has written a few books) as well as is still involved in his company. I'm here to help him manage both areas as well as advance both areas. I enjoy this as it involves strategic thinking (which I <3) and organization. What is killing me right now is working with him to recondition the way he works. I feel like a constant nag and am giving up on trying to manage him. I can't do that.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm doing this because I like to help friends. Yes, we've been friends for a while and he's been asking me for help for months, but I couldn't do it due to my full-time work. As soon as I saw that wasn't going to be an option much longer and mentioned it to him, he told me he'd hire me on the spot. Talk about perfect timing. He definitely needs the help, and he'll be the first one to admit it. I just don't want to stay committed to it because I want to help him out and because he needs it. I want to stay committed to it because I love it.

As if that wasn't enough, I've now had 2 other friends come to me with offers for full-time jobs. I trust both of these people and highly respect them. I know either one of them could say the word and I'd be set. The problem with these is that they are for corporations, big, international companies, and I don't think I'd have the freedom of schedule the way I do right now if I joined on as an employee. Granted, neither one of them has made an offer (one won't come until later in June). Having just come from an 8am-5pm corporate, cubicle setting, I don't think I want to go back to that.

Then there's the money. I know I'm not charging my current client enough on an hourly rate. I underestimate myself. The good news is one of the job offers is someone who knows how much I'm being paid and has told me that's not enough. I know she'll look out for me when the offer comes from her. I need to be OK with charging what I'm worth. If I wasn't so kickass, people wouldn't be coming to me with job offers when I'm not seeking them out, right?

People are telling me to start my own company. That scares me...what if there isn't income? What if I don't have a client or two? What would I do with my company? Events? Organization? Rent-a-mom, which is what I sometimes feel like. Starting my own company feels like there's some major responsibility with it. Hell, who am I kidding...I've been contracting with people for over a year. People are hiring me, but the position changes from client to client. And usually I'm hired for full-time work, so I don't see what the difference is in me doing my own thing as a full-time contractor vs. being an employee. Benefits vs. being on call all the time?

It irks me so much that I don't know what I want to do. This is not the normal me. I usually have a plan and am rocking the world with that plan. I'm not wishy-washy, yet lately, I feel very much like Charlie Brown and have no idea what the eff is going on.

Funk, funk, go away...before I have to kick your a**.

When is living in the 'here and now' not enough?

A few years ago, I walked into my job, ready to teach my pre-school sports class in less than an hour. I was surprised to see my boss in so early. I quickly learned he was there to give me my final check and help me carry my stuff to my car as he was 'no longer able to keep me on payroll, effective immediately.' A few months earlier, the girl I replaced was hired back as what she went off to do didn't work. I never had a chance in that position.

That experience really opened my eyes to the fact that we aren't guaranteed anything. I had been making plans that I'd be in that position for a while and was even checking into ways I could work my schedule and finish my master's degree at a university 2 hours away. Then bam--just like that--all of my plans came to a screeching stop.

From that point on, I've been careful to make plans about anything. I mean, here I am living in CA. I never would've thought that was in my future, yet I love it. A few years ago, I was at a presentation with the message of don't make plans. When you make plans that you're do focused on, you miss opportunities that are right in front of you. I agreed 100% as that was during the time when I offered my event planning services, for free, to someone I met online. Crazy, right? Not at all...I saw it as an opportunity to network and get experience working on something that had a great reputation. I saw the opportunity and did something about it.

Now don't get me wrong, when all of this happened with the CA event planning thing, I had just made a 2 year non-commitment commitment to my current position and boss. I asked him what kind of commitment he'd like from me as I had just been promoted. We discussed what we both thought was a good option (2 years) and then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'Unless something better comes along.' I laughed and thought he was crazy and that I'd be there for another 2 years (I had been deep into job searching for 4 months prior to this conversation, of which he was supportive of.) Lo and behold, 4 months after we made the non-commitment commitment, I had decided I'd eventually move to CA for a new job. If I had been locked into that 2 year agreement, I probably wouldn't have even thought about making an offer for the CA thing. Funny how life has a way of surprising you. :)

So this all sounds good, so far, but I think maybe I've taken this a bit too far and need to start making a few plans again. I'm in this place of not having a dream or goal to work towards. I don't like that. I truly feel like I'm just living life with no direction. I'm not passionate about anything specific. Booo! That's not exciting!

My goal over the Thanksgiving holiday is to take some time and make some goals. Usually this happens around New Year's with resolutions and what not, but what can I say? I'm an overachiever. ;) I want to get these in motion NOW and start doing something. I'm open to suggestions of goals I should consider as well as ideas on how to stick with 'em.

I've been homeless since 2003

First off, I've blown NaBloPoMo. Bad timing to do a post a day, or even 30 posts in 30 days. I've been blogging a bit more than normal, so I guess that's a plus. Maybe next year NaBloPoMo. :-/

I had dinner the other night with a group of amazing women. We get together once a month and it's a place that is completely safe to be honest as well as a place to encourage each other. Friendships are being built that will last a lifetime, and we've only met 3 or 4 times. Out of this group, I've received an invite for Thanksgiving (think Misfits Thanksgiving), and when I mentioned I was job searching, 3 of the ladies asked what I wanted to do and immediately offered connections and intros to people they know. But this isn't what this group is all about. It's becoming a support system for me, yet I barely know these women.

During these dinners, we eat, drink, and share about what's going on. We also have a question of the evening that causes us to think about who we are. The question this time is "What difference do you want to see made in the world and how are you going to work towards that?" Answers included teaching their kids about taking care of the environment, starting a dog therapy program with incarcerated minors, educating people on where materials are coming from when people order her clothing items, and just plain learning to love ourselves in order to help others.

When it was my turn to share, I was excited as this is something I've been thinking about for a while. I don't have a major voice, but I want to use the influence I have to be a voice for those who don't have a voice or aren't being heard. The thing I feel most passionate about is being a voice for the homeless. My heart breaks and I'm often on the verge of tears when I walk or drive past a panhandler. I feel guilty when I turn away, pretend to be on the phone and just completely ignore them. They're people too, damn it. They're not all cracked out, lazy people. Some of them have faced hard circumstances and have lost everything they have. It could easily be you or me on the street.

As I started talking about this, I lost it. The tears were flowing, which I partially contribute to the exhaustion lately. I've often wondered why this is something that has such a great effect over me. It started during my time in Wisconsin where I often walked by (and ignored) those living on the street. I think my eyes were opened when I saw a video of a homeless man, sharing his story who said "All I ask is that you look me in the eye and show me respect. That's all I want." Even now, this brings tears to my eyes.

Our discussion continued and I pulled myself together as a few others shared their thoughts. Then, the woman on my right, who knows me fairly well, turned to me and said "I can see that this means so much to you because you feel homeless yourself...being in a new place and still getting settled in." What?!?! I lost it all over again (and even now am crying). She's 100% correct and I had never put the two things together. I've been in CA for 7 months and have moved twice and have even had 2 jobs and am now looking for a new job. Wisconsin never really felt like home. Oklahoma is home for me and it's been 5 years since I've lived there. My parents moved to Michigan a few years ago, so even now, when I go to visit them, it's not home.

Not only do I feel 'homeless', but I feel abandoned to a point as I barely talk with my parents. Being an only child, I don't have siblings I can connect with. I often feel like I'm wandering around in this world on my own. I have friends but it's a weird dynamic for me. I don't let many people into my close circle and I know I can call on any of them if I need anything, but I don't have anyone who's in daily contact with me. Life is busy...people have their own things...I have my own things...not to mention I don't know any different. I grew up coming home to an empty house after school as my mom was at school/working. In college, I was surrounded by friends as I lived on campus and was extra social. Now, I have one roommate who isn't really in my 'circle' and we're on extremely different schedules.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of how to make CA feel like home. I'm also faced with the challenge of what I'm going to do to treat those actually living on the streets with respect. The ladies and I talked about some different things that I'm checking into. Maybe interacting with the homeless and showing them love will not only help me see how to make CA my home, but will also show me how to love myself. Baby steps...

What are the rules for NaBloPoMo?

Am I still in the game if I make sure I post 30 times in 30 days? Or are the rules 1 post per day? Either way, I've got some major catching up to do.

Part of the reason I've been slacking is that I've had friends in from out of town since last week. It's so good to have the 4 of them here. These are people who I'm sure will be friends for the rest of my life. They're each amazing in their own ways and I love each of them dearly.

They couldn't have come at a better time as I have truly been in depression mode lately (if you couldn't tell). With being put to a commission only contract (meaning, I'm not guaranteed any money and don't really know how much I'll make off any events I'm coordinating) I haven't felt like doing much of anything, not to mention I'm a little freaked about the future and money. It really has been great having them here. It's bringing sunshine to my days each time I see them.

So, we've been super busy, just hanging out, enjoying meals together, volunteering at a conference, surprising one in our group with tickets to a concert, exploring local museums, doing a wine tour and just loving life. It's been amazing!

Once things quiet down here, I'm hoping to catch up on my posts. There are lots of things I've been thinking about lately, including the circle of friendship, how we pick up traits from others to blend together into our own, why people of power don't use their power for good (and what am I doing with the power I have?) and some other things.

I've also been a slacker on reading others thoughts, but don't worry...I'm planning on a good day of catching up, commenting and getting some thoughts out of my own. Until then...

Is this really my life?

Last night, multiple times, I was struck with the thought, "Is this really my life? How'd I get here??" Wait, wait...seeing as you can't interpret tone via blogpost, let me explain, this is a GOOD question being asked. :D I'm realizing more and more how awesome the people are I've met since moving to CA a few months ago. For instance:

• The food and wine critic who is helping me coordinate a day of wine tastings for my friends on the super cheap. She's hooked me up with AWESOME info and even a VIP tasting at one of the wineries.


• The people who are opposed to Prop 8; gay, straight, and everything in between. Lots of people are passionate about this and it's inspiring!


• People who have such influence that when they share a link of something they found interesting on the internet, that site crashes due to how many people immediately go check it out. WHOA!


• People I can be absolutely honest with about crap going on in life and can give it to me straight...tell me if I'm being whiney or help me see another side!


• A multitude of people who are passionate about life and what they're doing.

I really am loving life today and am looking forward to brunch, fun, sun and good times. Hope you have a great day as well. What are you looking forward to today?