Am I Only An Option?

"Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Wow--what a wake-up call and something I need to remind myself of each and every day. I wish I could claim that I was the brilliant mind who originally said that, but I can't. I read it somewhere on Twitter months ago and it's stuck with me ever since. 

To update on previous posts, things are pretty much no longer with the guy. Once I got back from my trip, I sent an email asking what was going on and he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, even though he really cares about me, and still wanted to be friends. Since then, I've been all over the place with him...no, I can't be 'just friends' and I want to make this work...no, I already have 'friends' and I don't want to talk to you anymore...Friends with benefits? If that's what you want (even if I don't)...Who cares about being friends, let's just have benefits. And where have we ended up? A two-week break in communication (per his suggestion, so I can get over him) and we're friends. Yet, it feels weird.

Yesterday was the end of the two weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to contact him; that he could contact me when he was ready to be friends. I was surprised by the email I got yesterday in response to a tweet about buying a new laptop. He seemed nervous & awkward in the email. I responded with a 'thanks. off to test drive a few right now' and he responded immediately to that email.

It feels weird...very weird.

I bought a plane ticket a while back to surprise him for his birthday in a few weeks. He doesn't know that I did that. He mentioned this weekend (yes, I'm doing Social Media Stalking) about his birthday weekend and what he's planning. My ticket covers me being in his city for his birthday and birthday party. However, I committed to being in San Francisco that weekend, so now I know I won't use that ticket for that trip. Thankfully, I have another trip to Austin I can use that for instead.

Things I've learned from all of this (and need to blog about):

• I'm very hurt and think it's a combination of how much I care for him and the feeling that my trust has been broken.
• The wall that I've torn down has started building back up. I can't let that happen again.
• I do want to be in a relationship and that's not a bad thing. 
• I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone to love me...as it hasn't happened yet.
• I'm really pissed that he didn't even give "us" a chance (which also applies to a recent job I was turned down for, because I didn't live in the city...even after they said that commuting would work).

Yes, we were only seeing each other for 2 months.

Yes, we were moving fast, at least in the emotional sense.

Yes, this has affected me in a bad way.

But...

I don't usually do this. 

I don't date. 

I don't fall for just anyone.

Which is why I've built that wall. If dating and getting to know someone is going to hurt like this, I don't want to do it again.

Yes, being single is painful and very sad at times, but I can't keep questioning what is wrong with me and wondering if I need to change things to be what someone wants. 

Because obviously, whatever I'm doing right now, isn't working for anyone I've met in my 32 years of life...and I've met a lot of people. 

**And I can already hear those of you reading this getting mad at me for these thoughts, but I'm just being honest about the crap that's in my head.**

What am I doing to myself?

This is a loaded question...so get ready for it:

I'm on a 2+ week road trip across America right now. Once in a lifetime opportunity and simply amazing, but the stress I'm putting on myself is ridiculous! 2 weeks in an RV, campsites, gas station food for meals, little sleep, trying to conduct business on the road, and so much more. Has it been fun--yes, but I am so ready to get home and be in my own bed and space. Can't wait to take a bubble bath!

I'm now back into playing games...with the guy, that is. I get so upset when I message him and don't hear back. Like last night, I sent some flirty messages...and nothing. No response back, except this morning "just to say Hi." No reference to what I said, nothing. This month has sucked ass as I moved and am now on the road for 2+ weeks, and I hope that the way things are going right now are only because things have been crazy, but I really don't know if that's entirely true. He has been holding back and when I called him on it, he tells me he's scared of hurting me. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out and there's nothing there for me to grasp on to. Then he goes on public sites and makes comments about being involved in dating events. Doesn't make me feel important or worthy. Not a good feeling...yet, I'm not ready to give up. Call me a sucker for self-doubt and low self esteem.

I'm also all-of-a-sudden becoming a psychiatrist and analyzing why I'm doing things and what my issues are. Not sure what to think about all of the things coming up. A little ironic, isn't it?

Honestly, I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now...heart beating fast, head is spinning, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of all that is going on. I'm trying to not do anything stupid before I get home and have a chance to get back to normal...whatever that may be.

Or at least until I get a prescription for Xanax.

Getting back to normal

This month has been nuts! I finally moved to San Francisco from a few miles away, yet took off on a 2.5 week road trip only 3 days after moving in. I'm on the road now and can't wait to be home...to the new place with the fabulous view in the new city. Also can't wait to unpack and really get settled in. I'm losing precious time in this new place I'm calling 'home'.

I'm also ready to get back to 'normal' for the relationship that was starting to develop. In some ways, this month has been good as we've barely seen each other and have had a few rough spots, but it's also been very hard as he's said some things to me that have made me think he's thinking long term with me, yet then he says things about wanting to be friends with me if things don't work out.

I'm so confused.

Then I hear from my BFF that she broke up with someone and told her parents she needed time to be alone and 2 days later, the guy she's now engaged to came in to her life. She says for the entire first year she was scared and didn't know what she wanted. She also said it was extremly difficult to be apart from each other.

Part of me wants to give up...to walk away and not be hurt.

The other part wants to give this all I've got so I can see what happens if I really try.

The variable factor is what he thinks, wants, and will do.

I really hope this month has been tough as we've both been so busy. I feel like we've taken a few steps back and to be honest, it scares me. I really like him and care about him and have opened up more to him then to anyone else. I don't want to just discard that like the old pizza box. I can't do that.

But then again, I'm scared to fight for it if it's not going to change his mind.

Argh--why can't this be a little more black and white, huh?

It's not what he says...

I can't tell if I'm being a total girl or if there's actually something going on, but lately, I feel like I'm the girl in "He's just not that in to you." You know...the one who justifies everything and doesn't "get" that he's just not that in to her. Yeah--but then I've been told I over analyze things. Who knows?!

The guy I'm seeing tells me he thinks about me all the time, yet when I text in the morning, I don't hear from him. Wait, not true...I usually get a text back after a few hours. In my head I think, it doesn't take that long to send a text back, so his lack of response is being interpreted as it's not important. That I'm not important. Then I go...no, he's super busy and I'm sure he's in a meeting or can't text right away.

At the same time, I know he has his phone on him most of the time.

If I was important to him, wouldn't he send a quick text?

I've also sent emails, Questions of the Day, his way and no responses lately. None. I've stopped sending them as they were meant to be a way for us to get to know each other a little better...but in reality, he's learning about me and I'm not learning about him.

It's starting to wear on me and I honestly feel like he's pulling away. He's not investing in this any more, even though he says he is. In all fairness, he does things like prepare food to grill for me and some friends and even makes this fabulous dinner as my friends and I are passing through town.

I really need him to be more available for me emotionally and via communication. The short text messages as our main source of communication isn't cutting it. We agreed early on that in order for a relationship to work, especially a long distance one, you have to make time for each other. I don't feel like that's happening right now.

So...am I over-anlayzing things? :S He says one thing, but his actions show different.

Are you for real?

Yes, I've been blogging over here more often, but trust me...I need to. The entire purpose of this blog is to work through the issues I've been ignoring for years. There are some major things happening that are causing me to face those issues, or at least think about them after ignoring for so long.

There's a boy in my life. Wait...correction. There's a man in my life. :)

We've had many honest conversations already and it always feel comfortable and easy. That's one of my 'must haves' on my list for a relationship...the ability to carry conversation without having too much effort behind it. Even the hard conversations have been easy.

I've also known for a long time that I need someone who can shower me with affection. Not because I'm a princess, but because I will do the same. I've been in relationships where I've been the giver and haven't had the same in return. While I never do anything expecting reciprocation, it is definitely a way that refills me so I can continue to give more. Otherwise, I'm giving and giving until there's nothing left to give. That's no bueno! He definitely likes doing little things for me, as I do for him. It's a good match.

I think I had an extra injection of the 'leadership' when I was born. I call it 'leadership'; others may call it 'strong-willed'. Potato...Potato...wait, that doesn't work well on a blog, but you get what I mean. I'm a strong leader, confident, know what I want (for the most part) and contribute most of that to seeing my mom raise me as a single parent. She worked full-time and went to school full-time to make a better life for us. **This is a whole other issue I'm working through--feeling abandoned as a child, but realizing as an adult that she did that for me.** This guy--definitely a leader, yet that's not the whole piece of the puzzle. Yes, he can lead me, but how does he do when I take the lead? He's fine with it, which is exactly what I want. I need to lead at times, like planning a date or making decisions, and he is ok with that. Now, I will say that when it comes to driving directions, we may have a few issues. Nothing major...yet. ;)

Even when I had a mini-freakout last week, being honest that I think I'm falling for him, yet feel him holding back, which in turn makes me want to hold back so I don't get hurt, he was very sweet about it and I think has stepped things up this week. Confession--I'm a girl and over analyze things. He was very busy last week, so I interpreted that as losing interest. Now that I have the crazy week, I see the other side of "I'm so busy I can't send a text message to you." Yet, he's the one calling me to talk.

So I ask this question, "Are you for real?" He seems too good to be true. However, this is one time I'm happy to be wrong as he IS the real deal.

So glad I put those 'wall building' tools away a few weeks ago.