Dusting off the ol' blog

Almost one year later, I'm back...and what a year it's been. I'm taking my life back in multiple ways. I'm creating work that I absolutely love, and making sure that I have work/life balance, at least most of the time! I recently signed up for Weight Watchers as I just have not been happy with the number on the scale continuing to climb. I also signed up for my first ever half-marathon and am starting training this week for it as I put it off until after our big event production was done (which was a huge success).

As I logged in to this site, I noticed my last post here is just short of a year ago. My how time flies! For the most part, I don't feel like I've 'needed' this place to clear my head, vent, or just post those crazy thoughts in my head to free them from cluttering up my head space. However, I do want to get into a regular writing pattern, which could be here, on my personal blog, or on my company blog, moving forward. For the longest time, I've said I'm not a good writer, yet when I sit and take the time to actually do it, the final product isn't that bad.

So why do I do that? Maybe it's because I don't want to set my expectations too high only to set myself up for failure. Or maybe it's because it's really hard for me sometimes to get a thought out in a way that makes sense to those reading and not just to myself. Both of these thoughts tend to weave themselves around OTHERS, and no offense to those reading this (all 4 of you!), but I don't write for you. This place is one for me to express myself which shouldn't revolve around my grammar, cohesive thoughts, or pleasing others. As for my personal blog, that's more of a public place for thoughts and things I love and my company blog, well...that's the place where I do want to be 'on my game', which I think will flourish as I promise to write here and on my personal blog.

So with all of that being said, I hope to be back more often; not because life is out of control, but because I want to be. NaBloPoMo is also kicking off soon which is a great motivation to get my fingers dancing on the keyboard.

It's been a while...

I'm dusting off the old secret blog but mostly because I need to post today thanks to NaBloPoMo and just don't have the energy to post on my public site. Thus...this post allows me to keep the commitment of posting each day.

I went to a wedding reception earlier today and had a gala event I attended last night. Both were great events, but I felt so awkward at times as I flew solo to both events. I've lost the art of small talk and conversation and it's made me increase on the 'social awkwardness' scale.

I used to be the social butterfly...the one who would kick the party off and make sure everyone was having a good time. I had invites to all of the events and went to everything I could. I also suffered from FOMO (fear of missing out) and eventually burned myself out by overdoing it. In my early 20's, I finally realized that I didn't need to be at everything.

Moving to Silicon Valley has put me back into the ecosystem of a full social calendar with multiple parties and events each night, but I just can't do it. I don't have the energy for small talk and schmoozing, which are at the top of some peoples agendas who attend every event they can. I would much rather have a dinner with 3 friends to catch up and have an opportunity to go to a deeper level, which just doesn't happen at massive social events.

When did I become such an introvert? I need to find that balance between social butterfly and selectiveness.

30-Day Cleanse

I decided earlier this year after much thought that my theme word for the year was going to be LOVE. I vowed to:

• Love myself...

which I haven't. I have a not-so-secret tactic of putting others before myself, allowing me to avoid everything about myself. I've had girlfriends call me out on this and the hard part is knowing that selflessness is a good thing, there has to be some focus on myself at some point.

• Love my work...that's an easy one

I've been so lucky to get back into a job that is a perfect fit for me. It's challenging me in so many ways but I love the team I work with, the work I'm doing and the people I get to meet.

• Love others...another easy one

I usually see the good in others though I will admit there are times I get frustrated with people.

• Allow others to love me...still working on this one

This is very hard for me. Praise and words of affirmation make me uncomfortable. Someone I care deeply about pulled me close the other day to tell me how much I meant to him and I squirmed the whole time. I didn't grow up in a home where we told each other how much we loved each other so I'm not used to it. However, I'm trying to be aware when people love on me as I know it's what I need in healthy relationships.

• Find someone who loves me...

You remember that song..."looking for love in all the wrong places"? Yeah, that's me plus a dash of "I'm not even looking." I've been in a semi-relationship since about May and it's all wrong. I really believe staying involved in this relationship is keeping me from other possibilities, yet...I haven't been able to fully step away from it, until this week. This is someone I care about and would even say in some form, love him, and I can't imagine him not being in my life. The problem is that he doesn't want a relationship. He's jaded when it comes to love so I stick around, hoping he'll someday change his mind. What I need to do is change my mind about him, which leads me to something the terrifies me...

I was just reading Mastin Kipp's (the man behind @TheDailyLove, which I LOVE!) column on HuffPo which explains how he did a 30-day Love cleanse. From his post:

As I well knew true love begins within. So, instead of continuing with a bad habit, I decided to do something about it. Just like the alcoholic goes cold turkey from the sauce, I went cold turkey from my emotional dependency on others.

For 30 days -- no dating, no sex of any kind, no flirting and no contact with former business partners.

You see where this is going, don't you? However, I'm already wanting to justify some of the rules...

1. No dating--but what if a guy wants to hang out one-on-one. Is that 'dating'? Can I go as long as there is no physical touch or kissing? Do we have to go dutch? And what if I am asked out...what do I tell him? "Sure, I'd love to go on a date. How's December 7th look?"
2. No sex of any kind--as long as I stay away from the guy I mentioned earlier, should be a piece of cake.
3. No flirting--I might as well say no breathing.
4. No contact with former business partners--this raises the question of "What kind of business does Mastin really do?? But in reality, I know this means I should not have contact with the guy above for 30 days. What sucks--he's already invited me and I've accepted, to a dinner this Sunday night.

So friends, I turn to you for tips on things I should work on, questions I should ask myself, things to be aware of, ways to get out of situations 1-4, and just bottom line...encouragement to focus on myself for 30 days and to find ways to love ME in hopes that when I come out of it, I still have a chance for accomplishing LOVE in 2010.

Getting out of the frump

I had an encounter the other night that was one of those 'a-ha' moments which has had me thinking about WTF I need to do to bust out of it.

While at a tech event, I ran into a woman who within the past month has had a makeover. Now, I don't know if this was a 'professional' makeover or what, but she's had some amazing photos taken that she's using on her profiles online and she's dressing up more. At this event, I told her, "You're looking really hot!" to which she told me the same. My response, "I don't feel hot. I feel frumpy."

Frumpy.

That word came out of my mouth to describe myself.

Houston--we have a problem.

Another good friend of mine has been telling me for MONTHS that I need to take care of myself and put myself first. I've heard her telling me this and have always responded with "I know...I know" but I think it's time I actually start listening to her and do something about it.

I decided a few weeks ago that I'm in need of a make-up makeover. I can't even remember the last time I was at a true make-up counter. I buy my make-up at Target or Walgreens which is not helping as I'm sure I'm not getting the right colors or tones. I'm tired of the brown/black eye make-up and am ready to bust out a little color on my face.

I recently moved and cleaned out my closets, getting rid of pieces that no longer fit, shrank in the wash, had been collecting dust for 6 months+, had holes or had been chosen as a chew toy by the pup. I got rid of a TON of stuff, which is great, but now I have a smaller wardrobe of not so great pieces that I continue to wear. I definitely want to get back into shopping at Ann Taylor instead of Target. Don't get me wrong--Target has great pieces, but they aren't always the best quality. I'm also going to try to get out of wearing jeans all the time and move into skirts/dresses (with TIGHTS!!) and pants. More professional and more feminine.

I definitely need to get my butt off the couch more often to include exercise and socializing. While I prefer staying in most nights, truth be told, it's a way for me to avoid meeting new people and allows me to stay in my frump zone at home. I mean, why would I dress up when I can wear sweatpants and a tank top at home all day and night? My TV is not my best friend and sometimes I think this fabulous life I'm living is passing me by.

In related news, I need to eat better. This is the only body I have and I'm not being very nice to it. Want to know something sad? I've been in my new place for almost 2 months and have not done proper grocery shopping since moving in. Yes, I've been traveling, but I've also been home at least half of that time. I enjoy cooking and just need to plan for it. One week at a time so I don't have food going bad.

And then there's the relationship frump. I tried dating a few guys and definitely had fun. The problem, none of them were a match which puts me into this downward spiral of "What's wrong with me? Why am I such a loser???" Thanks to never canceling my subscription to an online dating site which just auto-renewed, I figure that's a sign to get out there and try to meet some new men. I know I'm not a loser and through each dating experience, I'm learning more about what I want in a mate as well as learning valuable lessons about myself. Scary, but always worth it.

Last, but not least, is my new place. I've moved into a fabulous Jr. 1 bedroom (more than a studio, but not quite a full 1 bedroom) and I love it. It's all mine and perfect...with the exception of the mess. It's funny how my home reflects the chaos in my life. My goal is to clean this place up and keep it tidy to a point where I wouldn't be embarrassed if someone stopped by for a visit.

So much to do and I've become the master of avoiding it all and living in the frump. But mark my words, it's time to RALLY and dig myself out, one day at a time.

Gut feelings...not just an upset tummy

I've always been a person to look at a bad situation as a learning experience. "What did I learn about myself from this," I often ask myself. Recently, I've made an attempt at dating...whatever that looks like. I've let myself have fun, opened my heart to the possibility of someone and have even been hurt. All of that, good and bad, is helping me figure out what I want and what's important to ME.

Just reading those words makes me feel selfish. I'm such a giver that I forget that what I want is just as important and shouldn't be ignored.

So I ask myself the question, "What do I want?"

• Someone who truly cares about me
• That I know they care about me and never have to question
• Someone who initiates--text, conversations, plans, nookie, gifts, whatever! *This goes back to me being a giver. I'm often the first one to initiate.
• Someone who is spontaneous. Sometimes the spirit moves me to do something and it shouldn't be ignored.
• Someone who can hold his own at events and parties. Events are my job and I need support, but I can't have someone who is by my side the entire night. I've got a room to work and he should do the same.
• Someone who is just as comfortable getting dressed up for a night out, rocking out all night for karaoke or staying home to cuddle on the couch with a movie.
• Someone who will cook for/with me.
• Someone who will communicate with me. In this age of the interwebz and gadgets, there's no reason for not communicating, unless you just can't express yourself and be open. That's not for me.
• Someone who will always date me...meaning take me out on dates. Even when we're old, I still want to be wined and dined.
• Someone who loves his job and career. This is something that is very important to me and other people who share the same passion get this.
• Someone who other women flirt with and he'll flirt back. Wait, wait...don't get the wrong idea here. By other women flirting with him, it means he's attractive and I did done good! And him flirting back...he can look, but he can't touch! ;)
• Someone who can put me in my place...gently and lovingly...when I need it. I'm not always a bowl of fun. I know this. I want someone who cares enough to tell me when I need to chill.
• Bring on the witty banter. That might as well be listed as foreplay for me.
• Someone I can be 'me' with...in all my quirkiness.
• Someone who will take care of me...and that I can let take care of me.

I think this is a pretty honest list from me, though a conversation last night with The Okie may have some influence here. Then again...maybe he hasn't since I don't know if he's this complete list. Not that it means he can't become this list if things move forward. Granted, he may have a similar list including things that I'm not aware of but we can always share these lists of 'What do I want' with each other.

This post didn't start in my head as a list of things I want, but I'm glad I've listed that. My girlfriends have asked me this question time and time again over the past few months and it's good to make this list for reference. This way I KNOW what it is that I want and what's important to me.

I don't want to go into may details about the conversation with The Okie last night, but I will say that we're both on the same page about each other. We don't want to mess our friendship up, but are interested in each other. We both have areas we need to work on in order to make "us" a possibility. We need to talk more about whether or not we're ready to do that. The weird/funny/exciting/scary thing is that I trust him.

Not only are my head and my heart in agreement (which I don't take lightly), but my gut is telling me it's OK as well. The trifecta of YES is a bit much to ignore...don't you think?

Is it possible to die of anxiety?

This week has been a doozie...and that's an understatement. I think I've cried more this week than I have this entire year. My heart feels like it's beating a million beats a minute. My 'to do' list is completely overwhelming (so I ignore it). I'm in a bizarre love triangle with a guy who tells me I'm beautiful (more on that) and a guy who I'm interested in who doesn't even think to tell me he's not making it to my event. I'm financially fucked. Yes--I just said that. And then there's the whole work/job thing. I mean...it's been 7 months since I started a new job. I'm due for a change. All of this is topped off by my dog, who makes this all semi-bearable, until he decides to chew up my bathroom WALLS. #FML

I have had mini panic attacks this week and even now, as I type this, I can feel it in my chest, racing through to my fingertips. Hoping by the time I finish this post I feel a little bit of relief.

So where to start? **Pardon the running of thoughts I'm about to list, but I just need to get it all out before the tears short circuit my laptop.

• Job--I don't hate my job right now, but after listing out the 20+ areas I manage and finding out the colleague on our team (who I consider to be the glue between me and my supervisor in NY) is leaving next week, I've decided I can't take on anymore...so much so that I've talked to HR in my office about best way to approach this, if this is normal and if I'm just being a baby about all of this. Her answer--I have way too much on my plate and need to get rid of some of it. Easier said than done. When I've approached this subject in the past, I'm told that 'We're all busy...we have to do it.'
  
• Job opportunities--Had a call last week with a great company I believe in for an amazing job, but it's not paying enough. I have an application in for a job that is super exciting and would get me back into conference planning. Then there's the company that my friend (the "James Blunt" guy from above) has been talking to me about since November. I finally saw a demo the other night and holy crap--I love it, I love the company, I love the people, I love their philosophy. Just need to get clear info on the job and salary.
  
• Home--I know that there is a direct correlation between how messy my apartment is to how chaotic my life is. Funny enough, at the end of the day, I want to come home to my 'haven' but instead, I'm stressed out by the piles of stuff around my living space. What a catch22. Must remedy this ASAP in hopes to see a change in the anxiety levels.
• Dog--this must be what unconditional love really is because if it's not that, I would put him on the corner so he could go home with someone else and chew up their walls. I kid...I kid...I need to get a kennel ASAP and start putting him in that when I'm gone, which should keep us both a little more sane.
• Finances--I'm fucked. Let's just leave it at that.
• Guys--had a faux date with a good friend the other night who for the longest time has told me he would totally date me, but I can't bring myself to do it. Once I find my interest peeked a bit...he then tells me about a mutual friend he's fucked. NICE! He says he's ready to settle down and find a nice girl. Funny enough, when we went out the other night, he told me he has a degree in theology. That blew my mind...he was on track to become a pastor. He also told me I'm beautiful and that guys don't tell me that enough...and that I don't believe it enough. Talk about a low blow...but he's right about that entire statement.
  
• Guys part 2--Good guy...great guy, actually. He's going through things and I'm going through things. I don't think we want the same thing right now. We barely talk to each other...even via AIM or text. We barely know each other and it's like pulling teeth to have conversations to get to know him better. I understand he's super busy...he really is and I totally understand that. And I'm fighting the urge to become the encourager for him and stroking his ego too much. Why? Because I'm getting very little from him...hardly anything initiated from him and truth be told, I think he has a few other girls on the line. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to soften the "why isn't he in to me" blow or maybe there's truth there. And I'm not ruling out the obvious point that of bitterness on my side either. Guy 2 and I are supposed to do something this weekend, but nothing has been confirmed. I'm not going to push it...I can't do it anymore. Screw the thought "He's just not that in to you." The words that echo in my mind day after day after day right now are "Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Well, my fingers are tingling with anxiety anymore and my heart rate has slowed down so maybe this was beneficial. Let's hope it continues on for a while or I may have to post again.

Friends and strangers...if you're reading this, give me some things to think about...suggestions for managing this craziness I call life...ways to decompress...push back on things I've shared...play devil's advocate. BRING IT ON!

Where's that Passion??

So often I find myself living life with no direction or purpose. Yes, I'm successful, have tons of friends, and life isn't bad, but I'm not making a difference. I'm just 'being'. I'm happy, but think there's more I could be doing that would bring true happiness to my life.

For the past 4 years, I've had the philosophy that you should be passionate about what you are doing in life. That could be through your job, your hobbies, or even volunteering. Though I've had some tough spots the past few months with my job, I really am happy. But happy doesn't equal passionate. I need to find that passion somewhere else.

Hobbies--I like taking photographs. I like entertaining. I like dancing. I like connecting people. But I'm not PASSIONATE about any of these. So often I tell myself I don't have time or I'm too tired to do most of these things, but if I was truly passionate about these, I'd find time. **Note to self--start taking vitamins. That will help with the tired excuse.

Volunteering--I miss working with my Sorority. I didn't think there were any chapters near me, but I just looked at the website for my sorority and there's a chapter at USF AND an Alumnae chapter in SF. I'm emailing both today. I'm also emailing the National Headquarters about being involved with Social Media, which I've done in the past and never heard anything. Go me!

I'm tired of life passing me by. I want to take control of the experiences I have and the opportunities that are right in front of my face. I want that PASSION that I tell everyone they should have.

I'm such a procrastinator that I'm missing out on a lot of things. I have great ideas and get excited about things, but for whatever reason, never act on them. Having just attended my 56 year old uncle's funeral and with my 33rd birthday quickly approaching, I keep hearing Ferris Bueller in my head:

Life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

I am not a toy

More and more lately I'm asking the question, "what's wrong with me?" I've signed up for Match.com and have had a little interest, but nothing worth pursuing. I mean, I want the message to at least have semi-correct grammar.

"The last guy" pinged me the other night, after I unfollowed him and then sent a tweet that was about him. I'm sure he saw it, felt bad and pinged me. There's no way that after him living 5 blocks away from me and not seeing each other for 6 weeks that it was coincedence. He then says, over AIM, 'we should get together for coffee sometime.' Funny enough, that was the same thing he said to me 6 weeks ago after he moved up here. I answered the same way I did back then, "Sure, just let me know when you're ready." Stop toying with me...

Then there's another guy who I've had contact with via Twitter/Facebook over the past few months. We have some crazy connection to Oklahoma, but I can't remember what. I honestly don't remember how we first made contact as it's been a while. Anyways, we made plans to get a group together a while back and we were both traveling quite a bit, so it never happened. I invited him to a group thing this last week, very low key...no pressure, and he missed out as it was early and he had gone out the night before. In his apology message to me, "what are you're plans this weekend? I owe you brunch." I responded that my weekend was open and I always had time for brunch. Nada...no response.

Then there are the multiple married/engaged guys hitting on me. Not just flirting, but totally coming on to me and even asking if I want to make out. Stop...please. That does not make me feel better about myself. You'd think I'd be flattered, but in reality, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for someone to commit to, but could totally be the 'other woman'. I don't play that game.

I'm getting very tired of guys toying with me. I'm ready for someone who truly cares about me, the real me, who is ready to get to know me and all my craziness, and who can be open to me caring about them. But I'm starting to wonder if that's even possible.

What Happened BEFORE We Met?

First off, I don't' know WHY I'm still wasting time evaluating what went wrong with me and the guy I was seeing. And yes, I'm wasting time. The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off at him and the whole situation. Then I start to tell myself that I'm just getting mad so I can get over it; that that may be the only way to really move on...to think he's horrible. Reality is, he isn't...or at least he doesn't mean to be.

I saw "500 Days of Summer" the other day and I highly recommend it for everyone. I could totally see myself in both characters, though I really resonated with the male. One part shows him reviewing his relationship to try to see what was REALLY happening. As sad as it sounds, I did this the other night...all the way back to the first weekend when things got started.

• I remembered picking up the vibe that he was interested at the dinner party he invited me to that first night.

• I remembered meeting him for drinks the next night and not knowing whether or not it was a date.

• I remembered him telling me he tried kissing me after the dinner party when he walked me to the car and I 'dissed' him. **In my defense, I had no idea he was going in for a kiss.**

• I remembered him asking me over drinks that night if I was seeing someone. **I thought that was pretty forward and even told him so.**

• I remembered us making out for a few hours that same night. **Which is not normal for me, but it felt right...he made the move and I let him.**

• I remembered him telling me he doesn't usually ask women out...that he's pretty shy. **I never would have known from that night.**

• Then I remembered he had just been in Seattle earlier in the week before the dinner party and drinks.

• And then I remembered he mentioned, after we started seeing each other, that he had been in a relationship recently with a woman...in Seattle.

The pieces started coming together to this puzzle with the final piece being a question.
"What happened in Seattle that week before he met me?"

Yes, I think something happened between him and his ex while he was in Seattle. Maybe it was a 'one last time' thing or maybe she totally denied him. Either way...

I truly believe I was the REBOUND GIRL.

And this hurts...a lot. I don't know that he really cared about me if this is the case.

I'm not usually one to tell people to 'Get over it' as I believe this usually takes time and each person should be allowed to deal with it as needed in order to get over it. But, I truly think it's time for me to 'Get over it!' I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it.

So, in honor of his birthday today...I'm done. To edit Gwen Steffani's words a bit, "I ain't no REBOUND GIRL!"


Wanted to also share one of my favorite scenes from the movie that shows "Expectations vs. Reality."

Am I Only An Option?

"Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Wow--what a wake-up call and something I need to remind myself of each and every day. I wish I could claim that I was the brilliant mind who originally said that, but I can't. I read it somewhere on Twitter months ago and it's stuck with me ever since. 

To update on previous posts, things are pretty much no longer with the guy. Once I got back from my trip, I sent an email asking what was going on and he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, even though he really cares about me, and still wanted to be friends. Since then, I've been all over the place with him...no, I can't be 'just friends' and I want to make this work...no, I already have 'friends' and I don't want to talk to you anymore...Friends with benefits? If that's what you want (even if I don't)...Who cares about being friends, let's just have benefits. And where have we ended up? A two-week break in communication (per his suggestion, so I can get over him) and we're friends. Yet, it feels weird.

Yesterday was the end of the two weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to contact him; that he could contact me when he was ready to be friends. I was surprised by the email I got yesterday in response to a tweet about buying a new laptop. He seemed nervous & awkward in the email. I responded with a 'thanks. off to test drive a few right now' and he responded immediately to that email.

It feels weird...very weird.

I bought a plane ticket a while back to surprise him for his birthday in a few weeks. He doesn't know that I did that. He mentioned this weekend (yes, I'm doing Social Media Stalking) about his birthday weekend and what he's planning. My ticket covers me being in his city for his birthday and birthday party. However, I committed to being in San Francisco that weekend, so now I know I won't use that ticket for that trip. Thankfully, I have another trip to Austin I can use that for instead.

Things I've learned from all of this (and need to blog about):

• I'm very hurt and think it's a combination of how much I care for him and the feeling that my trust has been broken.
• The wall that I've torn down has started building back up. I can't let that happen again.
• I do want to be in a relationship and that's not a bad thing. 
• I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone to love me...as it hasn't happened yet.
• I'm really pissed that he didn't even give "us" a chance (which also applies to a recent job I was turned down for, because I didn't live in the city...even after they said that commuting would work).

Yes, we were only seeing each other for 2 months.

Yes, we were moving fast, at least in the emotional sense.

Yes, this has affected me in a bad way.

But...

I don't usually do this. 

I don't date. 

I don't fall for just anyone.

Which is why I've built that wall. If dating and getting to know someone is going to hurt like this, I don't want to do it again.

Yes, being single is painful and very sad at times, but I can't keep questioning what is wrong with me and wondering if I need to change things to be what someone wants. 

Because obviously, whatever I'm doing right now, isn't working for anyone I've met in my 32 years of life...and I've met a lot of people. 

**And I can already hear those of you reading this getting mad at me for these thoughts, but I'm just being honest about the crap that's in my head.**

What am I doing to myself?

This is a loaded question...so get ready for it:

I'm on a 2+ week road trip across America right now. Once in a lifetime opportunity and simply amazing, but the stress I'm putting on myself is ridiculous! 2 weeks in an RV, campsites, gas station food for meals, little sleep, trying to conduct business on the road, and so much more. Has it been fun--yes, but I am so ready to get home and be in my own bed and space. Can't wait to take a bubble bath!

I'm now back into playing games...with the guy, that is. I get so upset when I message him and don't hear back. Like last night, I sent some flirty messages...and nothing. No response back, except this morning "just to say Hi." No reference to what I said, nothing. This month has sucked ass as I moved and am now on the road for 2+ weeks, and I hope that the way things are going right now are only because things have been crazy, but I really don't know if that's entirely true. He has been holding back and when I called him on it, he tells me he's scared of hurting me. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out and there's nothing there for me to grasp on to. Then he goes on public sites and makes comments about being involved in dating events. Doesn't make me feel important or worthy. Not a good feeling...yet, I'm not ready to give up. Call me a sucker for self-doubt and low self esteem.

I'm also all-of-a-sudden becoming a psychiatrist and analyzing why I'm doing things and what my issues are. Not sure what to think about all of the things coming up. A little ironic, isn't it?

Honestly, I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now...heart beating fast, head is spinning, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of all that is going on. I'm trying to not do anything stupid before I get home and have a chance to get back to normal...whatever that may be.

Or at least until I get a prescription for Xanax.

Getting back to normal

This month has been nuts! I finally moved to San Francisco from a few miles away, yet took off on a 2.5 week road trip only 3 days after moving in. I'm on the road now and can't wait to be home...to the new place with the fabulous view in the new city. Also can't wait to unpack and really get settled in. I'm losing precious time in this new place I'm calling 'home'.

I'm also ready to get back to 'normal' for the relationship that was starting to develop. In some ways, this month has been good as we've barely seen each other and have had a few rough spots, but it's also been very hard as he's said some things to me that have made me think he's thinking long term with me, yet then he says things about wanting to be friends with me if things don't work out.

I'm so confused.

Then I hear from my BFF that she broke up with someone and told her parents she needed time to be alone and 2 days later, the guy she's now engaged to came in to her life. She says for the entire first year she was scared and didn't know what she wanted. She also said it was extremly difficult to be apart from each other.

Part of me wants to give up...to walk away and not be hurt.

The other part wants to give this all I've got so I can see what happens if I really try.

The variable factor is what he thinks, wants, and will do.

I really hope this month has been tough as we've both been so busy. I feel like we've taken a few steps back and to be honest, it scares me. I really like him and care about him and have opened up more to him then to anyone else. I don't want to just discard that like the old pizza box. I can't do that.

But then again, I'm scared to fight for it if it's not going to change his mind.

Argh--why can't this be a little more black and white, huh?

It's not what he says...

I can't tell if I'm being a total girl or if there's actually something going on, but lately, I feel like I'm the girl in "He's just not that in to you." You know...the one who justifies everything and doesn't "get" that he's just not that in to her. Yeah--but then I've been told I over analyze things. Who knows?!

The guy I'm seeing tells me he thinks about me all the time, yet when I text in the morning, I don't hear from him. Wait, not true...I usually get a text back after a few hours. In my head I think, it doesn't take that long to send a text back, so his lack of response is being interpreted as it's not important. That I'm not important. Then I go...no, he's super busy and I'm sure he's in a meeting or can't text right away.

At the same time, I know he has his phone on him most of the time.

If I was important to him, wouldn't he send a quick text?

I've also sent emails, Questions of the Day, his way and no responses lately. None. I've stopped sending them as they were meant to be a way for us to get to know each other a little better...but in reality, he's learning about me and I'm not learning about him.

It's starting to wear on me and I honestly feel like he's pulling away. He's not investing in this any more, even though he says he is. In all fairness, he does things like prepare food to grill for me and some friends and even makes this fabulous dinner as my friends and I are passing through town.

I really need him to be more available for me emotionally and via communication. The short text messages as our main source of communication isn't cutting it. We agreed early on that in order for a relationship to work, especially a long distance one, you have to make time for each other. I don't feel like that's happening right now.

So...am I over-anlayzing things? :S He says one thing, but his actions show different.

Are you for real?

Yes, I've been blogging over here more often, but trust me...I need to. The entire purpose of this blog is to work through the issues I've been ignoring for years. There are some major things happening that are causing me to face those issues, or at least think about them after ignoring for so long.

There's a boy in my life. Wait...correction. There's a man in my life. :)

We've had many honest conversations already and it always feel comfortable and easy. That's one of my 'must haves' on my list for a relationship...the ability to carry conversation without having too much effort behind it. Even the hard conversations have been easy.

I've also known for a long time that I need someone who can shower me with affection. Not because I'm a princess, but because I will do the same. I've been in relationships where I've been the giver and haven't had the same in return. While I never do anything expecting reciprocation, it is definitely a way that refills me so I can continue to give more. Otherwise, I'm giving and giving until there's nothing left to give. That's no bueno! He definitely likes doing little things for me, as I do for him. It's a good match.

I think I had an extra injection of the 'leadership' when I was born. I call it 'leadership'; others may call it 'strong-willed'. Potato...Potato...wait, that doesn't work well on a blog, but you get what I mean. I'm a strong leader, confident, know what I want (for the most part) and contribute most of that to seeing my mom raise me as a single parent. She worked full-time and went to school full-time to make a better life for us. **This is a whole other issue I'm working through--feeling abandoned as a child, but realizing as an adult that she did that for me.** This guy--definitely a leader, yet that's not the whole piece of the puzzle. Yes, he can lead me, but how does he do when I take the lead? He's fine with it, which is exactly what I want. I need to lead at times, like planning a date or making decisions, and he is ok with that. Now, I will say that when it comes to driving directions, we may have a few issues. Nothing major...yet. ;)

Even when I had a mini-freakout last week, being honest that I think I'm falling for him, yet feel him holding back, which in turn makes me want to hold back so I don't get hurt, he was very sweet about it and I think has stepped things up this week. Confession--I'm a girl and over analyze things. He was very busy last week, so I interpreted that as losing interest. Now that I have the crazy week, I see the other side of "I'm so busy I can't send a text message to you." Yet, he's the one calling me to talk.

So I ask this question, "Are you for real?" He seems too good to be true. However, this is one time I'm happy to be wrong as he IS the real deal.

So glad I put those 'wall building' tools away a few weeks ago.

3 weeks later

I can't believe that it's already been 3 weeks since my last post. The good news is that I've seen the new guy twice since the last post and things are going very well. But you know me, I wonder if they're going *too* well.

The same week of my last post, I bought a ticket to visit him. Why so soon? Partially because I didn't want to stay with him and needed to coordinate with a girl friend locally who I knew I could trust with the secret of why I was coming to town. More importantly, I wanted to see him again and see how things would go with us in the same city for a weekend. I can say that it was an amazing weekend, even with him trying to cancel our first date night out because he had a really bad day. I agreed to move our date night to the following night, but then told him I wanted to bring dinner to his place and watch a movie...that I was in town to see him and totally understand that he had a bad day, but that didn't mean we couldn't see each other. Major brownie points for me as he told me multiple times that was the nicest thing a woman's ever done for him. *I rock!* He surprised me too with roses, wine, and a mini-birthday cake.

Date night the next night was also amazing...great conversation and getting to know each other, great food and wine and we ended the night poolside at a hotel bar, cuddling on a lounger and talking until the bar closed. I get nervous that the conversation will feel too forced, but with him, it's very natural...genuine...comfortable...which in turn is a little terrifying!

I got back yesterday from another amazing weekend with him. Truly amazing. But--yes, there's a but--we had some interesting conversations about distance and work schedules. He has a lot going on right now, and as much as he cares about me, is focused on other things. I'm putting on the brave face of "It's ok...I totally understand" and am being supportive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm initiating all of the effort at this time. Wait--not true--he did pay for me to come down, planned dates for us, etc. However, I'm the one who sends a text/IM each morning to say Good Morning. Yes, he responds, but I feel like I'm the needy one because I'm not getting the attention I want.

Bottom line--I'm psyching myself out about this and can't do that. He is AMAZING and worships me. ;) As I do him. I'm very attracted to him and love that we connect on multiple levels. We get each other and as much as I wish he showered me with attention all day long, I know that he will when he has time. He surprises me and sends me text messages every now and then, which means I know he's thinking about me.

Don't you hate how you can sabotage something before it even starts? That's it...stopping it right now!

Skeptical is my middle name

I'm realizing more and more that I'm seriously effed up when it comes to relationships. I'm probably not as bad as I think I am, or at least I hope that's the case.

I recently decided that I was going to be more open to what the universe was bringing my way. Whatever I've been doing, or not doing, as the case may be, isn't getting me anywhere. I've been told that I have a wall up when it comes to guys and the more I think about it, I believe that may right. Whenever I get the vibe that someone is interested in me, I can actually feel myself start shutting them down. It's a defense mechanism. I'm protecting myself before I even have a chance to get hurt.

I think the loneliness, lack of having someone to share those special moments with and the fear of never being loved has finally collided enough for me to open my heart to the possibility of dating someone. Thus the "What's this wacky universe have in store for me" way of thinking. Not even the guy I shared a cab with in NY from the UK who tried to kiss me could stop me from this new thinking. You might think that would encourage me, until I told you he had a wedding ring on. What?! No way jose. That is one game I DO NOT play.

I guess the wall is coming down as I was asked out last weekend for drinks by a great guy. I wasn't sure it was a date as we had met briefly a few weeks before at an event and while he was in my city (of course he doesn't live here), I asked about getting together for some tech advice. He suggested drinks on his last night and I figured it was just getting together to chat. Halfway through the night when he asked if I was seeing anyone, that's when I realized it was a date. Duh!

Sounds decent so far, right? Now let me break open that nasty bottle of skepticism. As he asks if I'm seeing anyone and if I'd mind if he came back to visit sometime, my response... "really? Me?" His response, "Yes. You're gorgeous." That's when I start building that wall again. I think it's a bunch of bull and he's just feeding me lines to get what he wants.

Why is it so hard for me to accept those words of flattery? Is it because guys don't approach me or ask me out? That's not entirely true...I am approached, but it's usually for intel on my much hotter friend. Guys don't like me, at least not enough to ask me out, and this is what I've told myself for years. So when it happens, I totally question it instead of enjoy it.

This guy is a good guy. The people he is close with are good people in my book and trust me, in the community he's in, there are some shady people as I'm quickly learning. Not shady in a super bad way, but those that don't care about what people think about them and you really can't trust them with any kind of personal information. We all have 'those people' in our communities. I've been burned bad in the past by those types and choose not to have anything to do with them outside of mass social events.

So what's a girl to do that's so jaded, doesn't know how to trust and when to unpack that baggage she's been carrying around for years? We're definitely talking about moving forward, getting to know each other and visiting very soon. I've told him I need to move slow and that I have some major issues with intimacy. Honestly, bottom line, I think it's the fear of having to share these issues with someone that has caused me to build that wall so incredibly high that I feel unlovable. That and the fear of rejection. If I don't let someone in...I can't get hurt. Easy enough!

I'm on the verge of tears right now as I think about possibly, someday, maybe having to share these issues with him. I think they are big enough for someone to walk away from me for good. They have been packed away for so long...a big, dark secret that I sometimes forget it's a part of my past. Yet, it's something that will have to be dealt with. I just wonder if he's the one to join me on that journey. Honestly, it's more about if I'm ready to drag him down that dirty road with me.

I got an interesting message from a guy friend who I asked for some advice from as he had done just a few weeks ago, encouraging me to get out there and meet people. I told him that being skeptical is my natural defense and I didn't know why someone would want to date me; so I think it's all fake. My friend's response was to not think that I had to do something to accept the attention and affection. Others have told me to just enjoy it.

I'm taking the first steps towards realizing and accepting that someone could actually like me. I'm trying to keep that wall from going up and as soon as I start building it up, I take a break to think about why I'm doing it. The new guy and I have established that we don't like games and want honesty, which again is scary as we've just started this thing...whatever 'this thing' is. Labels, I don't even like them in my clothes. Why add them to my life and relationships? Psshhh.

So there I am...posting as my therapy as I do want to at least give this a try. I very easily could have turned away, shut him down and decided I wasn't that in to him. But realize that's the "I'm going to avoid this at all costs so I don't get hurt at all..." defense showing up. I don't want that. This is a good guy, who seems to be genuinely interested in me. So why not see what the Universe has in store for me?

And I'm back...

Wow--it's been over 5 months since I've posted here. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've started a public blog and have tried focusing my efforts there. However, it's hard for me to be 100% transparent as it's tied to my 'personal brand' and there are things I need to get out that aren't quite appropriate for the public side. I just can't do it...yet.

This has been a super rough week. I'm have a mini-crisis of career path. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not just career path, it's life path. The age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" keeps rolling around in my head and to be honest, I don't have an answer, which is where the crisis comes in.

I was laid off from a job I thought was great just over a month ago. I was there less then 90 days and never saw it coming. I feel like I failed. That I didn't do things the right way. That working 12 hour days to get things in order wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for that job. I had another job offer before I even walked out of the office for the last time.

What I'm doing now is OK, but I don't know if it's what I want to do long-term. I'm trying to tell myself that we're still on a learning curve right now as I'm trying to help this person get things in order with his personal brand and his company. He is traveling and speaking all over the world (has written a few books) as well as is still involved in his company. I'm here to help him manage both areas as well as advance both areas. I enjoy this as it involves strategic thinking (which I <3) and organization. What is killing me right now is working with him to recondition the way he works. I feel like a constant nag and am giving up on trying to manage him. I can't do that.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm doing this because I like to help friends. Yes, we've been friends for a while and he's been asking me for help for months, but I couldn't do it due to my full-time work. As soon as I saw that wasn't going to be an option much longer and mentioned it to him, he told me he'd hire me on the spot. Talk about perfect timing. He definitely needs the help, and he'll be the first one to admit it. I just don't want to stay committed to it because I want to help him out and because he needs it. I want to stay committed to it because I love it.

As if that wasn't enough, I've now had 2 other friends come to me with offers for full-time jobs. I trust both of these people and highly respect them. I know either one of them could say the word and I'd be set. The problem with these is that they are for corporations, big, international companies, and I don't think I'd have the freedom of schedule the way I do right now if I joined on as an employee. Granted, neither one of them has made an offer (one won't come until later in June). Having just come from an 8am-5pm corporate, cubicle setting, I don't think I want to go back to that.

Then there's the money. I know I'm not charging my current client enough on an hourly rate. I underestimate myself. The good news is one of the job offers is someone who knows how much I'm being paid and has told me that's not enough. I know she'll look out for me when the offer comes from her. I need to be OK with charging what I'm worth. If I wasn't so kickass, people wouldn't be coming to me with job offers when I'm not seeking them out, right?

People are telling me to start my own company. That scares me...what if there isn't income? What if I don't have a client or two? What would I do with my company? Events? Organization? Rent-a-mom, which is what I sometimes feel like. Starting my own company feels like there's some major responsibility with it. Hell, who am I kidding...I've been contracting with people for over a year. People are hiring me, but the position changes from client to client. And usually I'm hired for full-time work, so I don't see what the difference is in me doing my own thing as a full-time contractor vs. being an employee. Benefits vs. being on call all the time?

It irks me so much that I don't know what I want to do. This is not the normal me. I usually have a plan and am rocking the world with that plan. I'm not wishy-washy, yet lately, I feel very much like Charlie Brown and have no idea what the eff is going on.

Funk, funk, go away...before I have to kick your a**.

When is living in the 'here and now' not enough?

A few years ago, I walked into my job, ready to teach my pre-school sports class in less than an hour. I was surprised to see my boss in so early. I quickly learned he was there to give me my final check and help me carry my stuff to my car as he was 'no longer able to keep me on payroll, effective immediately.' A few months earlier, the girl I replaced was hired back as what she went off to do didn't work. I never had a chance in that position.

That experience really opened my eyes to the fact that we aren't guaranteed anything. I had been making plans that I'd be in that position for a while and was even checking into ways I could work my schedule and finish my master's degree at a university 2 hours away. Then bam--just like that--all of my plans came to a screeching stop.

From that point on, I've been careful to make plans about anything. I mean, here I am living in CA. I never would've thought that was in my future, yet I love it. A few years ago, I was at a presentation with the message of don't make plans. When you make plans that you're do focused on, you miss opportunities that are right in front of you. I agreed 100% as that was during the time when I offered my event planning services, for free, to someone I met online. Crazy, right? Not at all...I saw it as an opportunity to network and get experience working on something that had a great reputation. I saw the opportunity and did something about it.

Now don't get me wrong, when all of this happened with the CA event planning thing, I had just made a 2 year non-commitment commitment to my current position and boss. I asked him what kind of commitment he'd like from me as I had just been promoted. We discussed what we both thought was a good option (2 years) and then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'Unless something better comes along.' I laughed and thought he was crazy and that I'd be there for another 2 years (I had been deep into job searching for 4 months prior to this conversation, of which he was supportive of.) Lo and behold, 4 months after we made the non-commitment commitment, I had decided I'd eventually move to CA for a new job. If I had been locked into that 2 year agreement, I probably wouldn't have even thought about making an offer for the CA thing. Funny how life has a way of surprising you. :)

So this all sounds good, so far, but I think maybe I've taken this a bit too far and need to start making a few plans again. I'm in this place of not having a dream or goal to work towards. I don't like that. I truly feel like I'm just living life with no direction. I'm not passionate about anything specific. Booo! That's not exciting!

My goal over the Thanksgiving holiday is to take some time and make some goals. Usually this happens around New Year's with resolutions and what not, but what can I say? I'm an overachiever. ;) I want to get these in motion NOW and start doing something. I'm open to suggestions of goals I should consider as well as ideas on how to stick with 'em.

I've been homeless since 2003

First off, I've blown NaBloPoMo. Bad timing to do a post a day, or even 30 posts in 30 days. I've been blogging a bit more than normal, so I guess that's a plus. Maybe next year NaBloPoMo. :-/

I had dinner the other night with a group of amazing women. We get together once a month and it's a place that is completely safe to be honest as well as a place to encourage each other. Friendships are being built that will last a lifetime, and we've only met 3 or 4 times. Out of this group, I've received an invite for Thanksgiving (think Misfits Thanksgiving), and when I mentioned I was job searching, 3 of the ladies asked what I wanted to do and immediately offered connections and intros to people they know. But this isn't what this group is all about. It's becoming a support system for me, yet I barely know these women.

During these dinners, we eat, drink, and share about what's going on. We also have a question of the evening that causes us to think about who we are. The question this time is "What difference do you want to see made in the world and how are you going to work towards that?" Answers included teaching their kids about taking care of the environment, starting a dog therapy program with incarcerated minors, educating people on where materials are coming from when people order her clothing items, and just plain learning to love ourselves in order to help others.

When it was my turn to share, I was excited as this is something I've been thinking about for a while. I don't have a major voice, but I want to use the influence I have to be a voice for those who don't have a voice or aren't being heard. The thing I feel most passionate about is being a voice for the homeless. My heart breaks and I'm often on the verge of tears when I walk or drive past a panhandler. I feel guilty when I turn away, pretend to be on the phone and just completely ignore them. They're people too, damn it. They're not all cracked out, lazy people. Some of them have faced hard circumstances and have lost everything they have. It could easily be you or me on the street.

As I started talking about this, I lost it. The tears were flowing, which I partially contribute to the exhaustion lately. I've often wondered why this is something that has such a great effect over me. It started during my time in Wisconsin where I often walked by (and ignored) those living on the street. I think my eyes were opened when I saw a video of a homeless man, sharing his story who said "All I ask is that you look me in the eye and show me respect. That's all I want." Even now, this brings tears to my eyes.

Our discussion continued and I pulled myself together as a few others shared their thoughts. Then, the woman on my right, who knows me fairly well, turned to me and said "I can see that this means so much to you because you feel homeless yourself...being in a new place and still getting settled in." What?!?! I lost it all over again (and even now am crying). She's 100% correct and I had never put the two things together. I've been in CA for 7 months and have moved twice and have even had 2 jobs and am now looking for a new job. Wisconsin never really felt like home. Oklahoma is home for me and it's been 5 years since I've lived there. My parents moved to Michigan a few years ago, so even now, when I go to visit them, it's not home.

Not only do I feel 'homeless', but I feel abandoned to a point as I barely talk with my parents. Being an only child, I don't have siblings I can connect with. I often feel like I'm wandering around in this world on my own. I have friends but it's a weird dynamic for me. I don't let many people into my close circle and I know I can call on any of them if I need anything, but I don't have anyone who's in daily contact with me. Life is busy...people have their own things...I have my own things...not to mention I don't know any different. I grew up coming home to an empty house after school as my mom was at school/working. In college, I was surrounded by friends as I lived on campus and was extra social. Now, I have one roommate who isn't really in my 'circle' and we're on extremely different schedules.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of how to make CA feel like home. I'm also faced with the challenge of what I'm going to do to treat those actually living on the streets with respect. The ladies and I talked about some different things that I'm checking into. Maybe interacting with the homeless and showing them love will not only help me see how to make CA my home, but will also show me how to love myself. Baby steps...

What are the rules for NaBloPoMo?

Am I still in the game if I make sure I post 30 times in 30 days? Or are the rules 1 post per day? Either way, I've got some major catching up to do.

Part of the reason I've been slacking is that I've had friends in from out of town since last week. It's so good to have the 4 of them here. These are people who I'm sure will be friends for the rest of my life. They're each amazing in their own ways and I love each of them dearly.

They couldn't have come at a better time as I have truly been in depression mode lately (if you couldn't tell). With being put to a commission only contract (meaning, I'm not guaranteed any money and don't really know how much I'll make off any events I'm coordinating) I haven't felt like doing much of anything, not to mention I'm a little freaked about the future and money. It really has been great having them here. It's bringing sunshine to my days each time I see them.

So, we've been super busy, just hanging out, enjoying meals together, volunteering at a conference, surprising one in our group with tickets to a concert, exploring local museums, doing a wine tour and just loving life. It's been amazing!

Once things quiet down here, I'm hoping to catch up on my posts. There are lots of things I've been thinking about lately, including the circle of friendship, how we pick up traits from others to blend together into our own, why people of power don't use their power for good (and what am I doing with the power I have?) and some other things.

I've also been a slacker on reading others thoughts, but don't worry...I'm planning on a good day of catching up, commenting and getting some thoughts out of my own. Until then...