I've been homeless since 2003

First off, I've blown NaBloPoMo. Bad timing to do a post a day, or even 30 posts in 30 days. I've been blogging a bit more than normal, so I guess that's a plus. Maybe next year NaBloPoMo. :-/

I had dinner the other night with a group of amazing women. We get together once a month and it's a place that is completely safe to be honest as well as a place to encourage each other. Friendships are being built that will last a lifetime, and we've only met 3 or 4 times. Out of this group, I've received an invite for Thanksgiving (think Misfits Thanksgiving), and when I mentioned I was job searching, 3 of the ladies asked what I wanted to do and immediately offered connections and intros to people they know. But this isn't what this group is all about. It's becoming a support system for me, yet I barely know these women.

During these dinners, we eat, drink, and share about what's going on. We also have a question of the evening that causes us to think about who we are. The question this time is "What difference do you want to see made in the world and how are you going to work towards that?" Answers included teaching their kids about taking care of the environment, starting a dog therapy program with incarcerated minors, educating people on where materials are coming from when people order her clothing items, and just plain learning to love ourselves in order to help others.

When it was my turn to share, I was excited as this is something I've been thinking about for a while. I don't have a major voice, but I want to use the influence I have to be a voice for those who don't have a voice or aren't being heard. The thing I feel most passionate about is being a voice for the homeless. My heart breaks and I'm often on the verge of tears when I walk or drive past a panhandler. I feel guilty when I turn away, pretend to be on the phone and just completely ignore them. They're people too, damn it. They're not all cracked out, lazy people. Some of them have faced hard circumstances and have lost everything they have. It could easily be you or me on the street.

As I started talking about this, I lost it. The tears were flowing, which I partially contribute to the exhaustion lately. I've often wondered why this is something that has such a great effect over me. It started during my time in Wisconsin where I often walked by (and ignored) those living on the street. I think my eyes were opened when I saw a video of a homeless man, sharing his story who said "All I ask is that you look me in the eye and show me respect. That's all I want." Even now, this brings tears to my eyes.

Our discussion continued and I pulled myself together as a few others shared their thoughts. Then, the woman on my right, who knows me fairly well, turned to me and said "I can see that this means so much to you because you feel homeless yourself...being in a new place and still getting settled in." What?!?! I lost it all over again (and even now am crying). She's 100% correct and I had never put the two things together. I've been in CA for 7 months and have moved twice and have even had 2 jobs and am now looking for a new job. Wisconsin never really felt like home. Oklahoma is home for me and it's been 5 years since I've lived there. My parents moved to Michigan a few years ago, so even now, when I go to visit them, it's not home.

Not only do I feel 'homeless', but I feel abandoned to a point as I barely talk with my parents. Being an only child, I don't have siblings I can connect with. I often feel like I'm wandering around in this world on my own. I have friends but it's a weird dynamic for me. I don't let many people into my close circle and I know I can call on any of them if I need anything, but I don't have anyone who's in daily contact with me. Life is busy...people have their own things...I have my own things...not to mention I don't know any different. I grew up coming home to an empty house after school as my mom was at school/working. In college, I was surrounded by friends as I lived on campus and was extra social. Now, I have one roommate who isn't really in my 'circle' and we're on extremely different schedules.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of how to make CA feel like home. I'm also faced with the challenge of what I'm going to do to treat those actually living on the streets with respect. The ladies and I talked about some different things that I'm checking into. Maybe interacting with the homeless and showing them love will not only help me see how to make CA my home, but will also show me how to love myself. Baby steps...