Skeptical is my middle name

I'm realizing more and more that I'm seriously effed up when it comes to relationships. I'm probably not as bad as I think I am, or at least I hope that's the case.

I recently decided that I was going to be more open to what the universe was bringing my way. Whatever I've been doing, or not doing, as the case may be, isn't getting me anywhere. I've been told that I have a wall up when it comes to guys and the more I think about it, I believe that may right. Whenever I get the vibe that someone is interested in me, I can actually feel myself start shutting them down. It's a defense mechanism. I'm protecting myself before I even have a chance to get hurt.

I think the loneliness, lack of having someone to share those special moments with and the fear of never being loved has finally collided enough for me to open my heart to the possibility of dating someone. Thus the "What's this wacky universe have in store for me" way of thinking. Not even the guy I shared a cab with in NY from the UK who tried to kiss me could stop me from this new thinking. You might think that would encourage me, until I told you he had a wedding ring on. What?! No way jose. That is one game I DO NOT play.

I guess the wall is coming down as I was asked out last weekend for drinks by a great guy. I wasn't sure it was a date as we had met briefly a few weeks before at an event and while he was in my city (of course he doesn't live here), I asked about getting together for some tech advice. He suggested drinks on his last night and I figured it was just getting together to chat. Halfway through the night when he asked if I was seeing anyone, that's when I realized it was a date. Duh!

Sounds decent so far, right? Now let me break open that nasty bottle of skepticism. As he asks if I'm seeing anyone and if I'd mind if he came back to visit sometime, my response... "really? Me?" His response, "Yes. You're gorgeous." That's when I start building that wall again. I think it's a bunch of bull and he's just feeding me lines to get what he wants.

Why is it so hard for me to accept those words of flattery? Is it because guys don't approach me or ask me out? That's not entirely true...I am approached, but it's usually for intel on my much hotter friend. Guys don't like me, at least not enough to ask me out, and this is what I've told myself for years. So when it happens, I totally question it instead of enjoy it.

This guy is a good guy. The people he is close with are good people in my book and trust me, in the community he's in, there are some shady people as I'm quickly learning. Not shady in a super bad way, but those that don't care about what people think about them and you really can't trust them with any kind of personal information. We all have 'those people' in our communities. I've been burned bad in the past by those types and choose not to have anything to do with them outside of mass social events.

So what's a girl to do that's so jaded, doesn't know how to trust and when to unpack that baggage she's been carrying around for years? We're definitely talking about moving forward, getting to know each other and visiting very soon. I've told him I need to move slow and that I have some major issues with intimacy. Honestly, bottom line, I think it's the fear of having to share these issues with someone that has caused me to build that wall so incredibly high that I feel unlovable. That and the fear of rejection. If I don't let someone in...I can't get hurt. Easy enough!

I'm on the verge of tears right now as I think about possibly, someday, maybe having to share these issues with him. I think they are big enough for someone to walk away from me for good. They have been packed away for so long...a big, dark secret that I sometimes forget it's a part of my past. Yet, it's something that will have to be dealt with. I just wonder if he's the one to join me on that journey. Honestly, it's more about if I'm ready to drag him down that dirty road with me.

I got an interesting message from a guy friend who I asked for some advice from as he had done just a few weeks ago, encouraging me to get out there and meet people. I told him that being skeptical is my natural defense and I didn't know why someone would want to date me; so I think it's all fake. My friend's response was to not think that I had to do something to accept the attention and affection. Others have told me to just enjoy it.

I'm taking the first steps towards realizing and accepting that someone could actually like me. I'm trying to keep that wall from going up and as soon as I start building it up, I take a break to think about why I'm doing it. The new guy and I have established that we don't like games and want honesty, which again is scary as we've just started this thing...whatever 'this thing' is. Labels, I don't even like them in my clothes. Why add them to my life and relationships? Psshhh.

So there I am...posting as my therapy as I do want to at least give this a try. I very easily could have turned away, shut him down and decided I wasn't that in to him. But realize that's the "I'm going to avoid this at all costs so I don't get hurt at all..." defense showing up. I don't want that. This is a good guy, who seems to be genuinely interested in me. So why not see what the Universe has in store for me?