Stuff that's been stirred up...

It really bothers me that I can't control my emotions and how deeply I care about people in my life. There are a few people that I'd do absolutely anything for, yet don't know if they'd do the same. I'd hope they would, but have no guarantees. I truly love some unconditionally and it scares me that I'm so deeply involved emotionally. Is it because I'm looking for this same kind of love and support so I offer it hoping they'll do the same? That's a bit risky, isn't it?

I'm so excited to experience the West Coast flava as my life has been very 'white' lately. I am white, but grew up with multi-cultural friends (I even had one friend whose parents called me 'the white girl' as they spoke little English). As I've been with 1300 people over the past few days who greatly embrace our ethnic differences, it's been refreshing. Music has been fabulous, singing in different languages, including French and Spanish. Beautiful!

I've realized I've been very selfish lately...with my time, resources, love. (I know...this seems to contrast my first section, but really, it doesn't.)

Social injustice really pisses me off. My heart aches for people who don't have the things they need across the world. What have I done to be blessed with what I have and to live in the U.S.? I want to learn more about what is going on outside of my country and how I can help. I also want to be more aware of opportunities where I can serve in my community. People here need just as much help and love as those overseas.

Until I learn to truly love myself, how can I expect someone else to love me? How can I expect to love someone else? I have to realize how much I'm worthy of being loved before I love someone else whole heartedly. Otherwise, it's a recipe for being walked all over and giving my all for nothing in return. Been there, done that. Not good.

I've lacked confidence in some areas the past few months. I don't like that. I'm an amazing woman with many skills and talents who is passionate about many things. For this, I should be confident in who I am.

I long for my passion to burn for ALL I do, not just some things. If I don't feel the passion running from my head to my toes about something, why do it? I want to live my life as passionately as I can. Remember as a child when you discovered something new...that's the passion I want. I'm excited just thinking about this new outlook on life. :)

I've become aware of the different emotions that bring tears to my eyes. During times of worship, I used to have tears of joy, realizing how much I was loved and for the hope I had. Lately, the tears have been from brokenness. This weekend, the tears come from the healing process that's started. Tears of joy are in my future...soon, I hope.

As I've been with my staff this week, I've heard from many of them how much they'll miss me when I'm gone. These next few months are going to be very emotional as I'm complete my time. I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard.