There's a lot going on that I could post about, but some of it's not appropriate at this time. So those posts will have to wait. Topic of choice tonight...emotions (which I have now typed three times to get right!)
Do you ever wonder what life would be like without emotions? Pretty damn boring, if you ask me. Even the bad emotions, like fear, are exciting, in my opinion. Emotions I absolutely love include:
- excitement (always tops in my book!)
- Gratitude
- Love, though I don't know that I've ever fully experienced this
- Vulnerability, but only with the right person
Emotions I would rather not experience:
- Jealousy
- anticipation
- Boredom--I HATE being bored! There's too much in life to experience, no reason to be bored
- heartache--is that an emotion? I want to erase this one from my vocabulary and life as I've had enough any 30 year old woman (am I really 30??? that's got to be a misprint, right?) should experience, especially if there hasn't been love to make up for it...
I read this post the other day and cried. I cried over a post on someones blog. What is that all about? I thought it was beautiful that this woman's fiance is willing to make it work with her...to talk it out...to work it out....to stand by her and love her. Yeah--I'm crying now even as I think of how lucky she is to have a man who will fight to make it work, to realize there's something wrong and be willing to make it right. I never saw this in my house as my mom divorced my dad when I was 5. She didn't even try. I don't think she really loved him or else she would've, right? I'm scared that I won't know how to really love someone as I've never seen that in real life. At least not in my house.
Loving someone means sticking it out, even when times are tough, right? Not only sticking it out, but working it out...that's the real way to show you love someone. To admit that things aren't the best they could be and to try to make them better. To give it a shot before giving up.
What about when you love someone who doesn't love you back. This...this is something I think I've experienced time and time again. You'd think I'd fucking learn after the 3rd, 5th, 15th time, right? Maybe it's that all those other times weren't really love. They were lust to the nth degree. If that's the case, when do I learn to stop and when do I learn to take a chance again? Do I ever believe that maybe, just maybe someone will love me the way I love them? Why isn't the pain of heartache strong enough to warn me not to fall for it yet again? Granted, it's been a while, but damn, it still hurts just as much.
Why is crying yourself to sleep comforting sometimes? I guess it's because it feels like a release and a reality check-like, 'Oh yeah, what was I thinking?' Then I realize that I'm really better than those thoughts I have about myself.
Damn, I was just about to go on a real rant about things from the past and stopped. No need to do that.
Seriously, buzzed right now. It's been one of those nights...hell, it's even been one of those weeks and it's only Tuesday. Lord, help me! If I'm lucky, the tears will all come out before I go to bed and I'll have a nice peaceful, sleep-filled night.
g'night friends.
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