I am not a toy

More and more lately I'm asking the question, "what's wrong with me?" I've signed up for Match.com and have had a little interest, but nothing worth pursuing. I mean, I want the message to at least have semi-correct grammar.

"The last guy" pinged me the other night, after I unfollowed him and then sent a tweet that was about him. I'm sure he saw it, felt bad and pinged me. There's no way that after him living 5 blocks away from me and not seeing each other for 6 weeks that it was coincedence. He then says, over AIM, 'we should get together for coffee sometime.' Funny enough, that was the same thing he said to me 6 weeks ago after he moved up here. I answered the same way I did back then, "Sure, just let me know when you're ready." Stop toying with me...

Then there's another guy who I've had contact with via Twitter/Facebook over the past few months. We have some crazy connection to Oklahoma, but I can't remember what. I honestly don't remember how we first made contact as it's been a while. Anyways, we made plans to get a group together a while back and we were both traveling quite a bit, so it never happened. I invited him to a group thing this last week, very low key...no pressure, and he missed out as it was early and he had gone out the night before. In his apology message to me, "what are you're plans this weekend? I owe you brunch." I responded that my weekend was open and I always had time for brunch. Nada...no response.

Then there are the multiple married/engaged guys hitting on me. Not just flirting, but totally coming on to me and even asking if I want to make out. Stop...please. That does not make me feel better about myself. You'd think I'd be flattered, but in reality, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for someone to commit to, but could totally be the 'other woman'. I don't play that game.

I'm getting very tired of guys toying with me. I'm ready for someone who truly cares about me, the real me, who is ready to get to know me and all my craziness, and who can be open to me caring about them. But I'm starting to wonder if that's even possible.

What Happened BEFORE We Met?

First off, I don't' know WHY I'm still wasting time evaluating what went wrong with me and the guy I was seeing. And yes, I'm wasting time. The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off at him and the whole situation. Then I start to tell myself that I'm just getting mad so I can get over it; that that may be the only way to really move on...to think he's horrible. Reality is, he isn't...or at least he doesn't mean to be.

I saw "500 Days of Summer" the other day and I highly recommend it for everyone. I could totally see myself in both characters, though I really resonated with the male. One part shows him reviewing his relationship to try to see what was REALLY happening. As sad as it sounds, I did this the other night...all the way back to the first weekend when things got started.

• I remembered picking up the vibe that he was interested at the dinner party he invited me to that first night.

• I remembered meeting him for drinks the next night and not knowing whether or not it was a date.

• I remembered him telling me he tried kissing me after the dinner party when he walked me to the car and I 'dissed' him. **In my defense, I had no idea he was going in for a kiss.**

• I remembered him asking me over drinks that night if I was seeing someone. **I thought that was pretty forward and even told him so.**

• I remembered us making out for a few hours that same night. **Which is not normal for me, but it felt right...he made the move and I let him.**

• I remembered him telling me he doesn't usually ask women out...that he's pretty shy. **I never would have known from that night.**

• Then I remembered he had just been in Seattle earlier in the week before the dinner party and drinks.

• And then I remembered he mentioned, after we started seeing each other, that he had been in a relationship recently with a woman...in Seattle.

The pieces started coming together to this puzzle with the final piece being a question.
"What happened in Seattle that week before he met me?"

Yes, I think something happened between him and his ex while he was in Seattle. Maybe it was a 'one last time' thing or maybe she totally denied him. Either way...

I truly believe I was the REBOUND GIRL.

And this hurts...a lot. I don't know that he really cared about me if this is the case.

I'm not usually one to tell people to 'Get over it' as I believe this usually takes time and each person should be allowed to deal with it as needed in order to get over it. But, I truly think it's time for me to 'Get over it!' I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it.

So, in honor of his birthday today...I'm done. To edit Gwen Steffani's words a bit, "I ain't no REBOUND GIRL!"


Wanted to also share one of my favorite scenes from the movie that shows "Expectations vs. Reality."

Am I Only An Option?

"Don't make someone a priority who sees you as an option."

Wow--what a wake-up call and something I need to remind myself of each and every day. I wish I could claim that I was the brilliant mind who originally said that, but I can't. I read it somewhere on Twitter months ago and it's stuck with me ever since. 

To update on previous posts, things are pretty much no longer with the guy. Once I got back from my trip, I sent an email asking what was going on and he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, even though he really cares about me, and still wanted to be friends. Since then, I've been all over the place with him...no, I can't be 'just friends' and I want to make this work...no, I already have 'friends' and I don't want to talk to you anymore...Friends with benefits? If that's what you want (even if I don't)...Who cares about being friends, let's just have benefits. And where have we ended up? A two-week break in communication (per his suggestion, so I can get over him) and we're friends. Yet, it feels weird.

Yesterday was the end of the two weeks. I decided that I wasn't going to contact him; that he could contact me when he was ready to be friends. I was surprised by the email I got yesterday in response to a tweet about buying a new laptop. He seemed nervous & awkward in the email. I responded with a 'thanks. off to test drive a few right now' and he responded immediately to that email.

It feels weird...very weird.

I bought a plane ticket a while back to surprise him for his birthday in a few weeks. He doesn't know that I did that. He mentioned this weekend (yes, I'm doing Social Media Stalking) about his birthday weekend and what he's planning. My ticket covers me being in his city for his birthday and birthday party. However, I committed to being in San Francisco that weekend, so now I know I won't use that ticket for that trip. Thankfully, I have another trip to Austin I can use that for instead.

Things I've learned from all of this (and need to blog about):

• I'm very hurt and think it's a combination of how much I care for him and the feeling that my trust has been broken.
• The wall that I've torn down has started building back up. I can't let that happen again.
• I do want to be in a relationship and that's not a bad thing. 
• I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find someone to love me...as it hasn't happened yet.
• I'm really pissed that he didn't even give "us" a chance (which also applies to a recent job I was turned down for, because I didn't live in the city...even after they said that commuting would work).

Yes, we were only seeing each other for 2 months.

Yes, we were moving fast, at least in the emotional sense.

Yes, this has affected me in a bad way.

But...

I don't usually do this. 

I don't date. 

I don't fall for just anyone.

Which is why I've built that wall. If dating and getting to know someone is going to hurt like this, I don't want to do it again.

Yes, being single is painful and very sad at times, but I can't keep questioning what is wrong with me and wondering if I need to change things to be what someone wants. 

Because obviously, whatever I'm doing right now, isn't working for anyone I've met in my 32 years of life...and I've met a lot of people. 

**And I can already hear those of you reading this getting mad at me for these thoughts, but I'm just being honest about the crap that's in my head.**

What am I doing to myself?

This is a loaded question...so get ready for it:

I'm on a 2+ week road trip across America right now. Once in a lifetime opportunity and simply amazing, but the stress I'm putting on myself is ridiculous! 2 weeks in an RV, campsites, gas station food for meals, little sleep, trying to conduct business on the road, and so much more. Has it been fun--yes, but I am so ready to get home and be in my own bed and space. Can't wait to take a bubble bath!

I'm now back into playing games...with the guy, that is. I get so upset when I message him and don't hear back. Like last night, I sent some flirty messages...and nothing. No response back, except this morning "just to say Hi." No reference to what I said, nothing. This month has sucked ass as I moved and am now on the road for 2+ weeks, and I hope that the way things are going right now are only because things have been crazy, but I really don't know if that's entirely true. He has been holding back and when I called him on it, he tells me he's scared of hurting me. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out and there's nothing there for me to grasp on to. Then he goes on public sites and makes comments about being involved in dating events. Doesn't make me feel important or worthy. Not a good feeling...yet, I'm not ready to give up. Call me a sucker for self-doubt and low self esteem.

I'm also all-of-a-sudden becoming a psychiatrist and analyzing why I'm doing things and what my issues are. Not sure what to think about all of the things coming up. A little ironic, isn't it?

Honestly, I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now...heart beating fast, head is spinning, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of all that is going on. I'm trying to not do anything stupid before I get home and have a chance to get back to normal...whatever that may be.

Or at least until I get a prescription for Xanax.

Getting back to normal

This month has been nuts! I finally moved to San Francisco from a few miles away, yet took off on a 2.5 week road trip only 3 days after moving in. I'm on the road now and can't wait to be home...to the new place with the fabulous view in the new city. Also can't wait to unpack and really get settled in. I'm losing precious time in this new place I'm calling 'home'.

I'm also ready to get back to 'normal' for the relationship that was starting to develop. In some ways, this month has been good as we've barely seen each other and have had a few rough spots, but it's also been very hard as he's said some things to me that have made me think he's thinking long term with me, yet then he says things about wanting to be friends with me if things don't work out.

I'm so confused.

Then I hear from my BFF that she broke up with someone and told her parents she needed time to be alone and 2 days later, the guy she's now engaged to came in to her life. She says for the entire first year she was scared and didn't know what she wanted. She also said it was extremly difficult to be apart from each other.

Part of me wants to give up...to walk away and not be hurt.

The other part wants to give this all I've got so I can see what happens if I really try.

The variable factor is what he thinks, wants, and will do.

I really hope this month has been tough as we've both been so busy. I feel like we've taken a few steps back and to be honest, it scares me. I really like him and care about him and have opened up more to him then to anyone else. I don't want to just discard that like the old pizza box. I can't do that.

But then again, I'm scared to fight for it if it's not going to change his mind.

Argh--why can't this be a little more black and white, huh?

It's not what he says...

I can't tell if I'm being a total girl or if there's actually something going on, but lately, I feel like I'm the girl in "He's just not that in to you." You know...the one who justifies everything and doesn't "get" that he's just not that in to her. Yeah--but then I've been told I over analyze things. Who knows?!

The guy I'm seeing tells me he thinks about me all the time, yet when I text in the morning, I don't hear from him. Wait, not true...I usually get a text back after a few hours. In my head I think, it doesn't take that long to send a text back, so his lack of response is being interpreted as it's not important. That I'm not important. Then I go...no, he's super busy and I'm sure he's in a meeting or can't text right away.

At the same time, I know he has his phone on him most of the time.

If I was important to him, wouldn't he send a quick text?

I've also sent emails, Questions of the Day, his way and no responses lately. None. I've stopped sending them as they were meant to be a way for us to get to know each other a little better...but in reality, he's learning about me and I'm not learning about him.

It's starting to wear on me and I honestly feel like he's pulling away. He's not investing in this any more, even though he says he is. In all fairness, he does things like prepare food to grill for me and some friends and even makes this fabulous dinner as my friends and I are passing through town.

I really need him to be more available for me emotionally and via communication. The short text messages as our main source of communication isn't cutting it. We agreed early on that in order for a relationship to work, especially a long distance one, you have to make time for each other. I don't feel like that's happening right now.

So...am I over-anlayzing things? :S He says one thing, but his actions show different.

Are you for real?

Yes, I've been blogging over here more often, but trust me...I need to. The entire purpose of this blog is to work through the issues I've been ignoring for years. There are some major things happening that are causing me to face those issues, or at least think about them after ignoring for so long.

There's a boy in my life. Wait...correction. There's a man in my life. :)

We've had many honest conversations already and it always feel comfortable and easy. That's one of my 'must haves' on my list for a relationship...the ability to carry conversation without having too much effort behind it. Even the hard conversations have been easy.

I've also known for a long time that I need someone who can shower me with affection. Not because I'm a princess, but because I will do the same. I've been in relationships where I've been the giver and haven't had the same in return. While I never do anything expecting reciprocation, it is definitely a way that refills me so I can continue to give more. Otherwise, I'm giving and giving until there's nothing left to give. That's no bueno! He definitely likes doing little things for me, as I do for him. It's a good match.

I think I had an extra injection of the 'leadership' when I was born. I call it 'leadership'; others may call it 'strong-willed'. Potato...Potato...wait, that doesn't work well on a blog, but you get what I mean. I'm a strong leader, confident, know what I want (for the most part) and contribute most of that to seeing my mom raise me as a single parent. She worked full-time and went to school full-time to make a better life for us. **This is a whole other issue I'm working through--feeling abandoned as a child, but realizing as an adult that she did that for me.** This guy--definitely a leader, yet that's not the whole piece of the puzzle. Yes, he can lead me, but how does he do when I take the lead? He's fine with it, which is exactly what I want. I need to lead at times, like planning a date or making decisions, and he is ok with that. Now, I will say that when it comes to driving directions, we may have a few issues. Nothing major...yet. ;)

Even when I had a mini-freakout last week, being honest that I think I'm falling for him, yet feel him holding back, which in turn makes me want to hold back so I don't get hurt, he was very sweet about it and I think has stepped things up this week. Confession--I'm a girl and over analyze things. He was very busy last week, so I interpreted that as losing interest. Now that I have the crazy week, I see the other side of "I'm so busy I can't send a text message to you." Yet, he's the one calling me to talk.

So I ask this question, "Are you for real?" He seems too good to be true. However, this is one time I'm happy to be wrong as he IS the real deal.

So glad I put those 'wall building' tools away a few weeks ago.

3 weeks later

I can't believe that it's already been 3 weeks since my last post. The good news is that I've seen the new guy twice since the last post and things are going very well. But you know me, I wonder if they're going *too* well.

The same week of my last post, I bought a ticket to visit him. Why so soon? Partially because I didn't want to stay with him and needed to coordinate with a girl friend locally who I knew I could trust with the secret of why I was coming to town. More importantly, I wanted to see him again and see how things would go with us in the same city for a weekend. I can say that it was an amazing weekend, even with him trying to cancel our first date night out because he had a really bad day. I agreed to move our date night to the following night, but then told him I wanted to bring dinner to his place and watch a movie...that I was in town to see him and totally understand that he had a bad day, but that didn't mean we couldn't see each other. Major brownie points for me as he told me multiple times that was the nicest thing a woman's ever done for him. *I rock!* He surprised me too with roses, wine, and a mini-birthday cake.

Date night the next night was also amazing...great conversation and getting to know each other, great food and wine and we ended the night poolside at a hotel bar, cuddling on a lounger and talking until the bar closed. I get nervous that the conversation will feel too forced, but with him, it's very natural...genuine...comfortable...which in turn is a little terrifying!

I got back yesterday from another amazing weekend with him. Truly amazing. But--yes, there's a but--we had some interesting conversations about distance and work schedules. He has a lot going on right now, and as much as he cares about me, is focused on other things. I'm putting on the brave face of "It's ok...I totally understand" and am being supportive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm initiating all of the effort at this time. Wait--not true--he did pay for me to come down, planned dates for us, etc. However, I'm the one who sends a text/IM each morning to say Good Morning. Yes, he responds, but I feel like I'm the needy one because I'm not getting the attention I want.

Bottom line--I'm psyching myself out about this and can't do that. He is AMAZING and worships me. ;) As I do him. I'm very attracted to him and love that we connect on multiple levels. We get each other and as much as I wish he showered me with attention all day long, I know that he will when he has time. He surprises me and sends me text messages every now and then, which means I know he's thinking about me.

Don't you hate how you can sabotage something before it even starts? That's it...stopping it right now!

Skeptical is my middle name

I'm realizing more and more that I'm seriously effed up when it comes to relationships. I'm probably not as bad as I think I am, or at least I hope that's the case.

I recently decided that I was going to be more open to what the universe was bringing my way. Whatever I've been doing, or not doing, as the case may be, isn't getting me anywhere. I've been told that I have a wall up when it comes to guys and the more I think about it, I believe that may right. Whenever I get the vibe that someone is interested in me, I can actually feel myself start shutting them down. It's a defense mechanism. I'm protecting myself before I even have a chance to get hurt.

I think the loneliness, lack of having someone to share those special moments with and the fear of never being loved has finally collided enough for me to open my heart to the possibility of dating someone. Thus the "What's this wacky universe have in store for me" way of thinking. Not even the guy I shared a cab with in NY from the UK who tried to kiss me could stop me from this new thinking. You might think that would encourage me, until I told you he had a wedding ring on. What?! No way jose. That is one game I DO NOT play.

I guess the wall is coming down as I was asked out last weekend for drinks by a great guy. I wasn't sure it was a date as we had met briefly a few weeks before at an event and while he was in my city (of course he doesn't live here), I asked about getting together for some tech advice. He suggested drinks on his last night and I figured it was just getting together to chat. Halfway through the night when he asked if I was seeing anyone, that's when I realized it was a date. Duh!

Sounds decent so far, right? Now let me break open that nasty bottle of skepticism. As he asks if I'm seeing anyone and if I'd mind if he came back to visit sometime, my response... "really? Me?" His response, "Yes. You're gorgeous." That's when I start building that wall again. I think it's a bunch of bull and he's just feeding me lines to get what he wants.

Why is it so hard for me to accept those words of flattery? Is it because guys don't approach me or ask me out? That's not entirely true...I am approached, but it's usually for intel on my much hotter friend. Guys don't like me, at least not enough to ask me out, and this is what I've told myself for years. So when it happens, I totally question it instead of enjoy it.

This guy is a good guy. The people he is close with are good people in my book and trust me, in the community he's in, there are some shady people as I'm quickly learning. Not shady in a super bad way, but those that don't care about what people think about them and you really can't trust them with any kind of personal information. We all have 'those people' in our communities. I've been burned bad in the past by those types and choose not to have anything to do with them outside of mass social events.

So what's a girl to do that's so jaded, doesn't know how to trust and when to unpack that baggage she's been carrying around for years? We're definitely talking about moving forward, getting to know each other and visiting very soon. I've told him I need to move slow and that I have some major issues with intimacy. Honestly, bottom line, I think it's the fear of having to share these issues with someone that has caused me to build that wall so incredibly high that I feel unlovable. That and the fear of rejection. If I don't let someone in...I can't get hurt. Easy enough!

I'm on the verge of tears right now as I think about possibly, someday, maybe having to share these issues with him. I think they are big enough for someone to walk away from me for good. They have been packed away for so long...a big, dark secret that I sometimes forget it's a part of my past. Yet, it's something that will have to be dealt with. I just wonder if he's the one to join me on that journey. Honestly, it's more about if I'm ready to drag him down that dirty road with me.

I got an interesting message from a guy friend who I asked for some advice from as he had done just a few weeks ago, encouraging me to get out there and meet people. I told him that being skeptical is my natural defense and I didn't know why someone would want to date me; so I think it's all fake. My friend's response was to not think that I had to do something to accept the attention and affection. Others have told me to just enjoy it.

I'm taking the first steps towards realizing and accepting that someone could actually like me. I'm trying to keep that wall from going up and as soon as I start building it up, I take a break to think about why I'm doing it. The new guy and I have established that we don't like games and want honesty, which again is scary as we've just started this thing...whatever 'this thing' is. Labels, I don't even like them in my clothes. Why add them to my life and relationships? Psshhh.

So there I am...posting as my therapy as I do want to at least give this a try. I very easily could have turned away, shut him down and decided I wasn't that in to him. But realize that's the "I'm going to avoid this at all costs so I don't get hurt at all..." defense showing up. I don't want that. This is a good guy, who seems to be genuinely interested in me. So why not see what the Universe has in store for me?

And I'm back...

Wow--it's been over 5 months since I've posted here. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've started a public blog and have tried focusing my efforts there. However, it's hard for me to be 100% transparent as it's tied to my 'personal brand' and there are things I need to get out that aren't quite appropriate for the public side. I just can't do it...yet.

This has been a super rough week. I'm have a mini-crisis of career path. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not just career path, it's life path. The age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" keeps rolling around in my head and to be honest, I don't have an answer, which is where the crisis comes in.

I was laid off from a job I thought was great just over a month ago. I was there less then 90 days and never saw it coming. I feel like I failed. That I didn't do things the right way. That working 12 hour days to get things in order wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for that job. I had another job offer before I even walked out of the office for the last time.

What I'm doing now is OK, but I don't know if it's what I want to do long-term. I'm trying to tell myself that we're still on a learning curve right now as I'm trying to help this person get things in order with his personal brand and his company. He is traveling and speaking all over the world (has written a few books) as well as is still involved in his company. I'm here to help him manage both areas as well as advance both areas. I enjoy this as it involves strategic thinking (which I <3) and organization. What is killing me right now is working with him to recondition the way he works. I feel like a constant nag and am giving up on trying to manage him. I can't do that.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm doing this because I like to help friends. Yes, we've been friends for a while and he's been asking me for help for months, but I couldn't do it due to my full-time work. As soon as I saw that wasn't going to be an option much longer and mentioned it to him, he told me he'd hire me on the spot. Talk about perfect timing. He definitely needs the help, and he'll be the first one to admit it. I just don't want to stay committed to it because I want to help him out and because he needs it. I want to stay committed to it because I love it.

As if that wasn't enough, I've now had 2 other friends come to me with offers for full-time jobs. I trust both of these people and highly respect them. I know either one of them could say the word and I'd be set. The problem with these is that they are for corporations, big, international companies, and I don't think I'd have the freedom of schedule the way I do right now if I joined on as an employee. Granted, neither one of them has made an offer (one won't come until later in June). Having just come from an 8am-5pm corporate, cubicle setting, I don't think I want to go back to that.

Then there's the money. I know I'm not charging my current client enough on an hourly rate. I underestimate myself. The good news is one of the job offers is someone who knows how much I'm being paid and has told me that's not enough. I know she'll look out for me when the offer comes from her. I need to be OK with charging what I'm worth. If I wasn't so kickass, people wouldn't be coming to me with job offers when I'm not seeking them out, right?

People are telling me to start my own company. That scares me...what if there isn't income? What if I don't have a client or two? What would I do with my company? Events? Organization? Rent-a-mom, which is what I sometimes feel like. Starting my own company feels like there's some major responsibility with it. Hell, who am I kidding...I've been contracting with people for over a year. People are hiring me, but the position changes from client to client. And usually I'm hired for full-time work, so I don't see what the difference is in me doing my own thing as a full-time contractor vs. being an employee. Benefits vs. being on call all the time?

It irks me so much that I don't know what I want to do. This is not the normal me. I usually have a plan and am rocking the world with that plan. I'm not wishy-washy, yet lately, I feel very much like Charlie Brown and have no idea what the eff is going on.

Funk, funk, go away...before I have to kick your a**.