Not Taking Advantage

Week 9: I forgo taking advantage of anyone because of his ignorance, status, or financial straits. I forgo the change to use any charms of word, body, or mind to seduce or trick others.

Here we go with week 9 of Everyday Commitments (though it's the 13th week of the year. Ouch!) As I read the Commitment, I didn't think that it would apply much. Then I read the chapter. I don't think I take advantage of people. Quite the opposite, actually. I usually see the good in someone and want to bring that out more. I can often be blinded by the potential I see in someone, or a situation.

So what's this chapter say? Let's take a look:

• We may notice that someone is vulnerable because she is at a low ebb, depressed, or facing a crisis, including that of financial embarrassment. This is me. My finances are an embarrassment, but I'm working on getting them in order. Going on 9 months now and I have a ways to go...


• The practice is to come from a place of caring about others' plight, wanting to help them get back on their feet before we enter into transactions with them. We commit ourselves to look for an equal playing field. Equal playing field is always good. A double-beneficial transaction is always best!


• Most of us have skills we use to trick or cheat others. Most of us can somehow convince others , perhaps against their will. I honestly believe this is true of everyone. I've often wondered throughout negotiations for the new job if I'm being taken advantage of or tricked. I don't believe my business partner would do that, but the question is still there and surfaces every now and then. He has a huge risk as my salary comes out of his pocket if money doesn't come in...so there are hesitations on each of our parts.

The chapter goes with talking about being honest in our dealings, showing that we care more about being authentic than what we can gain. This is something that my friends just don't understand about my working relationship with my partner. We are very open and honest with each other and it works for us. This is why, even though the salary talk has been brutal, offensive, lower than what I wanted, and taken all the way until the 11th hour (we still haven't 100% agreed to something. We have until Wednesday), our openness and honesty has overshadowed that. My friends think I'm being taken advantage of, that I could be making more, which I could, but I wouldn't be doing this amazing opportunity that I'm so excited about. The honesty we share is priceless.

The last sentence for this chapter says it best, "Our goal is truth, not profitable consequences."

Freedom from the Grip of Fear

Week 6 I accept the fact of fear, allow myself to feel my fear fully, and act so that fear does not interfere with my life choices.

The kind of fear is the one we sometime feel with reason. As the book, "Everyday Commitments" puts it, "Our guesses and fantasies about what might happen keep us afraid of events and experiences that may never befall us." Over the past few months, I've had a chance to really throw caution to the wind in my decision to move to CA for this new job.

Just last night, I saw someone I haven't seen in a few months. She's more of an acquaintance than a friend. She asked if I was still moving to CA and I said yes and she said, I'm so afraid for you. What's that mean? First off, why would you be afraid for someone else if they're not? Second, as I asked her if there was an option in her life if she wasn't accepted to PA school, she said no. That was the only option. This is so not me. She has her sights set on one goal and nothing else. Hate to say it, but this is her third year of applying to PA school. It may be time to think about something else. =)

As I'm talking to more and more people about my move, the most common response is, 'Wow--it's expensive in CA. Are you making good money?' Ummm....what I'm making is no one's business AND do they think I'm dumber than a doornail and haven't checked these things out? Truth be told--I don't know exactly what I'll be making yet, but that's not stopping me from moving forward with the decision to do this. I'm not letting the fear of how much I'll make interfere with my life choice to do this.

The book offers advice to use the "Triple A" practice of Admit, Allow and Act. Check it out:

• Admit Admit to yourself and someone you trust that you're scared, rather than calling it something else, like cold feet, worry, uneasiness, etc.


• Allow Allow yourself to feel the fear. This is often the hardest part. Don't find ways to avoid it--drinking, drugs, distractions, etc.--fully allow yourself to feel it. Use that person you admitted your fear to to help with this.


• Act Act in such a way that the fear does not drive you to do something or stop you from doing anything. Think of all the missed opportunities in life because you've let fear keep you from doing it.

Fear thrives on powerlessness, the belief that we have no options. WOW! That's a mighty statement, but absolutely true when you think about it. Don't give in to the power of fear. Stand up to it. Realize it. Admit, Allow and Act. The chapter closes with these words of wisdom: In doing so, we are less likely to be devastated by fear and it gradually becomes so ordinary that it loses its capacity to throw us off course.

Grounded, not Swayed

Week 3
No matter what happens to me, I am intent on remaining personally grounded: no longer thrown off course by events or by my reactions to them.

Hmmm....remaining personally grounded. Great thought, though I think it may take some effort on my part. I definitely could've used this right before Christmas as I felt my world was falling apart (phone issues, car break-in, etc.). David Richo, author of Everyday Commitments (from which this is pulled from) offers these practical tips to help stay grounded:

• Remind myself that I have faced hurdles before with success and this one is no different.


• Rally my support system, a group of friends, a therapist, and any guides who stand by me and help keep me on track. Ask them to call me on my vagaries and awaken me if I drift off course.


• Seek help from a power beyond my ego, in whatever form or tradition that fits for me.

I really like the thought of working on not being thrown by my reactions to the event. That's really what gets me sometimes. I know that I can face challenges and that I've overcome things in the past, so whatever comes my way shouldn't be a big deal, but really, it's my reaction to what's happened that makes it bad. Richo also adds this about trusting ourselves to stay grounded, "We do this when we let ourselves go through an experience without being driven or stopped by our fears or by our desires for a specific outcome." It's not my fears that stop me and cause irrational reactions (I really don't fear much), but it's my desire for a specific outcome and when that doesn't happen--watch out. I definitely can become ungrounded.

Now, this doesn't happen on everyday happenings. I'm not that unstable. But on bigger things, when I really want something or are completely blindsided by something I wasn't expecting. That's when it happens...

I hope to remember this week's lesson the next time my reactions start to control my life. That's never a good place to be and would much rather be grounded, than swayed.

Saying Yes to Reality

Week 2
More and more, I say yes to the givens of human life. Everything changes and ends; things will not always go according to plan; life is not always fair or pain-free; and people are not always loving, honest, generous, or loyal.
I got some news today that was disappointing. I've been working on an event for a client; partnering with someone I've never met on it who was going to do this event, but couldn't do it alone. We decided to partner up and have been working on it for a few months. Granted, we haven't put 100% into it, yet, but had time.

I got a call today that the client wants to back out. She has some other big things going on and feels like we're up against too many deadlines now. I talked with her for 40 minutes, trying to see if she'd give us a second chance, but nothing. I think I'm most disappointed that she hasn't expressed her concerns before now and if she's acting on a whim based on her feelings today, I'm disappointed that she wouldn't give us a few days to come back with a proposal.

This brought up feelings that I let someone down, which I try my hardest not to do. I feel blindsided by this news, especially because my partner and I were making good strides in getting this going. I don't like giving up and at the same time, I don't have the energy in me to fight for a second chance. I wasn't getting much money out of this, hardly anything, and was doing it for the experience, to meet new people and to get my name out there. None of that is worth trying to persuade this person. Her mind is made up. What's funny is she apologized numerous times to me on the phone. There's a lot more that she said, but no reason to hash it out...time to move on.

Week 2's info, Saying Yes to Reality, is very fitting...things will not always go according to plan...people are not always honest...or loyal. I think I accept reality and the things I can't change pretty well, which is good. That's why I'm not too distraught about the news today. Life goes on. I have other things that I'm focusing on and much more excited about.

An exercpt from this chapter says, "We express our feeling without blame or aggression and the chrge around them disappates. Saying yes to life as it is doesn't mean that we never feel disappointed or saddened by our lives. Saying yes means that whatever happens, we take the stance of remaining open and friendly toward our experinece." Really, that's all we can do, right? What good comes from focusing negatively on something that's happened? Nothing. Be open to what's happened, learn from it and move on. We all make choices and have things happen beyond our control. Why waste time? Move on...

Loving Kindness

Week 1
I am always looking for ways to intend, express, and act with loving-kindness.

Isn't it amazing how much more enjoyable life is when you love those around you, even if they're strangers? One of my strengths is WOOing. That stands for "Winning Others Over" from the "Now, Discover Your Strengths" book by Marcus Buckingham. (Great for teams working together or spouses. Highly recommend it!) It says that 'WOOers can walk into a room with new people, but don't see strangers; they see friends they haven't met yet.' Yep, that's me.

I have a knack for seeing the good in people and loving complete strangers. At the hotel I was in last week, I told the housekeeping people 'thanks for all you're doing' when I saw them in the hallway. At Starbucks, I was willing to wait for fresh coffee being brewed, as I was in no hurry, and was given the coffee free. I instead left the money in the tip jar. I even paid the toll for a car behind me as I was driving home from the 'rents a few weeks ago.

I also try to express loving-kindness with those closer to me. I'll wash a car or bring them a meal, stop by work with a bouquet of flowers or kidnap them for a bowling excursion. I try to be gentle with my words, though this is the area I need to work on the most. I genuinely care about people and am glad that I do. I find joy and happiness in doing so.

What are ways you've acted with loving-kindness lately? Be on the lookout for ways you can show others loving-kindness this week.