I'm being erased

And it hurts. I'm on the verge of tears and can feel the panic rising in my chest. I made an effort today to contact n (the former boss/partner/teammate and former friend). I needed to drop some business stuff off at his place and sent him a text letting him know I was headed over. Our normal arrangement was for me to leave things in the mailbox and not even see him, so that part didn't feel too weird, but knowing the circumstances that this may be the last time I'm at his house was hard. As I walked away, the tears welled up in my eyes (as they are now).

He's removed me from websites, shared documents and who knows what else. I'm not surprised as I know he's hurt. I just wonder if he'll hold a grudge for the rest of his life or if he'll forgive me. I think it may the first option as he mentioned the other day that an ex was in touch with him and he wanted nothing to do with her...what would it benefit him. I can see the same thing happening.

I've already met some people through the new job that I want to get in touch with him, but don't know that he'd appreciate it. Honestly, I don't feel like he ever appreciated me. And now I wonder if we were really just friends because of the work relationship. A close friend of his told me that was the case and the more I think I about it, I wonder if it's true. I have a habit of seeing the good in people, believing in them and trusting that they're genuine. Now I wonder if I was blinded by what I thought was true. Then again, I wonder if I'm trying to believe that so I can be mad at him...thus making the situation a bit more bearable.

People are telling me I made the right move to the new company, but I know how much this has hurt n and disappointed him. because of that, I hurt that i disappointed someone. That's the last thing I've ever wanted to do.

No matter how much he erases me, i'll never erase him and hope we can reconcile things someday. =(