Am I avoiding blogging?

Yeah, a little. There's a lot floating around that I'm not ready to deal with, so I'm just not blogging right now.

The new job is good. I'm getting into it a bit more and have had some great talks with the team about what's to come. It really is exciting to think I'm going to be a part of all of this.

On the other hand, I still hurt about leaving the other job. Just tonight, i got really sad and upset. I'm getting closer to being ready to speak my mind and my heart to him, just not yet. Maybe a few more days...but I can feel i'm getting closer.

I'm being erased

And it hurts. I'm on the verge of tears and can feel the panic rising in my chest. I made an effort today to contact n (the former boss/partner/teammate and former friend). I needed to drop some business stuff off at his place and sent him a text letting him know I was headed over. Our normal arrangement was for me to leave things in the mailbox and not even see him, so that part didn't feel too weird, but knowing the circumstances that this may be the last time I'm at his house was hard. As I walked away, the tears welled up in my eyes (as they are now).

He's removed me from websites, shared documents and who knows what else. I'm not surprised as I know he's hurt. I just wonder if he'll hold a grudge for the rest of his life or if he'll forgive me. I think it may the first option as he mentioned the other day that an ex was in touch with him and he wanted nothing to do with her...what would it benefit him. I can see the same thing happening.

I've already met some people through the new job that I want to get in touch with him, but don't know that he'd appreciate it. Honestly, I don't feel like he ever appreciated me. And now I wonder if we were really just friends because of the work relationship. A close friend of his told me that was the case and the more I think I about it, I wonder if it's true. I have a habit of seeing the good in people, believing in them and trusting that they're genuine. Now I wonder if I was blinded by what I thought was true. Then again, I wonder if I'm trying to believe that so I can be mad at him...thus making the situation a bit more bearable.

People are telling me I made the right move to the new company, but I know how much this has hurt n and disappointed him. because of that, I hurt that i disappointed someone. That's the last thing I've ever wanted to do.

No matter how much he erases me, i'll never erase him and hope we can reconcile things someday. =(

And from out of left field...

I have a new job. What?!?! Didn't I just move to CA for another job? Yeah, I did. And it was good, for the most part. Not entirely what I had expected or hoped for. Definitely had some major things to work through to try to make the working relationship better between my *damn, I don't even know what to call him...boss, partner, teammate?*

I still don't know what to think about all of this. It really did come out of left field as I wasn't looking for a new job. These people came to me and wanted something to happen fast. I met the CEO on Saturday and was offered a job on Sunday. Tried to offer a solution of doing both jobs, kinda part-time and they were OK with maybe doing that for 6 months, but then i'd have to decide one way or the other. There really wasn't going to be a way to do both jobs well in only part of the time. When I talked to my *boss, partner, teammate*, I ultimately had to make a decision. In the end, I hurt him bad. So bad that we're not friends anymore as he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I'm not a cold, hearted bitch and the decision hurts me as well. I can't believe that I've lost a friend through this. Someone who I've shared deep thoughts with. Someone who I connected with unlike most others. Someone I'm sure could've been a lifelong friend. But I couldn't let the thought of losing this friendship keep me from moving into a better position (from my point of view. He even told me that the better option for me was to probably take the new job.)

Someone told me it's best not to work with friends and I believe that 100%. Yes, you can be friends with those you work with, but working with those you're friends with is a little different and more difficult. We agreed a long time ago that we'd be 'friends first' and 'business second' and I hope someday we can get back to that. I completely understand why he's hurt, not that that makes anything better. I let him down as he had faith in me and trusted me. I'm sad that my passion for his vision died out enough that something else looked better. I'm very, very sorry that I've hurt him as bad as I have and I hope someday he'll be able to forgive me.

You've lost that lovin' feeling....

Ok, so it's not a 'lovin' feeling' I've lost, but I've lost something and it's sent me on a roller coaster of emotions. I have no idea what the freak is going on, but I'm just not excited about the new job. At least not on the surface. I can feel a little spark, deep down inside that is screaming "I'm still here!!! Don't give up on me and let me out, will ya?!"

Working relationship has been extremely strained the past few weeks, mostly because of me. Wait, I'll be honest, it's almost all because of me. *n--i'm sure you're floored by this admission, though not surprised.* Every time we're working together, my bad attitude sneaks up and rears it's ugly head. When it happens, I'm often embarrassed and can't pinpoint what the hell just happened to set it off. This frustrates me to no end.

I have every reason to be excited about this. It's an amazing opportunity and I'm meeting phenomenal people who are excited about what they're doing. So often lately, I feel like I'm having to fake my enthusiasm and I shouldn't have to. It's there, i just need to find it and let it run wild, the way it used to a few months ago before I was in CA.

I'm pissed off that I'm acting this way. I'm scared that I've 'lost that feeling' and won't be able to find it again. I'm embarrassed that I allow it to come out so often. I'm confused as to why this has gotten so hard. I'm sad that the excitement isn't there the way it used to be.

I don't' know what to do. Wait, I think I know what I should do...throw myself completely into the job for a bit. Now's as good a time as any as I have very few distractions (*translation--I don't know many people in the area yet who would interfere with work) and there's definitely lots to keep me busy. We've got great events on the schedule and amazing people to work with...I just need to do it.

Word of encouragement are greatly appreciated at this point as I need all the cheerleading I can get. =\

Time to move on

Well, I've made the move. It's over and I'm here. Whew! I thought it would never come. Still getting settled in a bit...boxes to unpack, bank accounts to set up, grocery stores to get familiar with, areas to learn, car registration/drivers license to get, salon/spa to find (I need my hair cut soon), nearest gym, test out bars to find the one that feels best for those nights I need to get out and just want a drink. You know...the basics.

I've signed up for a few meetups in the area, hoping to meet some new people. I even checked out churches online last night, but am not ready to do that yet. I can't even tell you the last time I was in a church. Maybe that's what's been missing the past few months. Something to think about....

I'm actually excited to get to know the area and to make it 'home'. This will come in time as the job is the focus right now. I'm realizing it's not going to be as easy as I thought. The tasks aren't the hard part, it's realizing my place in the whole thing that's making it hard. I'm having to learn my boss' way of doing things and that right now, my place is to make it happen, which means less input from my end. This is proving to be difficult for both of us. We've had a few talks about it and I'm hoping things will get better/easier soon.

For the past few months, I've been telling people about this thing I'm moving to CA to do and how passionate about it I am. For some reason, that passion is missing right now. I can't find it. I can't figure out what I'm passionate about anymore. This, too, is not helping my working relationship with my boss. Honestly, his passion isn't all there either, so let's just add that to the list of 'what's wrong with our working relationship?'

This past week has been difficult, which I hope has mostly to do with being in a new place, having friends in town and trying to get situated. Yesterday was downright horrible. I haven't cried that much in a long time. Long story, but I've had to depend on someone for financial help and I don't like being in that situation. I'm very independent and to lose that independence makes me very needy/dependent. That's not how I like to be and it's hard. It doesn't help being in a new place and having very limited resources for help. My boss is the last person I want to depend on in this way, but I had to as I had no other options. Even the thought of it now brings tears to my eyes. It's a reminder for where I am in life and how often I fail at taking care of myself. It hurts and I wonder where I went wrong and why I can't/aren't doing a better job.

So, it's time to move on...from the hurt and pain of this weekend, to dig to find something I'm passionate about in the job and hold onto it for dear life and to welcome being in a new place. It's a new chapter of my life, which means a fresh start. Or at least it should...