Went to a wedding earlier today and reception tonight. Seriously considered bailing on the reception as I felt very awkward at the wedding. My own insecurities, nothing else, and so I decided to suck it up and go to the reception. Glad I did as something was sparked in me through conversations with others.
I had the opportunity to tell 4 different people about what I'm moving away to do. Usually, this would get boring and dull, but I needed it. I heard multiple times that people were excited for me and that they thought it was cool/great that I was taking a step of faith and doing something so different.
I needed that. I needed to hear my own excitement reflected from others. It helps me believe that my excitement is not fabricated. That I'm not fooling myself or lying to myself about this experience. It's real and it's happening.
I realized about 2 months ago that I had let my partner's excitement about this whole thing carry my excitement as well. I had to stop that. I couldn't let his excitement create mine, but needed to create something that I could be excited about on my own. Then, I'd have ownership and passion for what I was doing...not what he wanted me to do. I've done this and just last week started feeling that ownership and passion diminish as his thoughts and my thoughts about the job were not aligned. This was very disappointing for me.
He and I talked and have worked some things out, as we always do. We have to stop and talk things out often, but if we weren't able to do this, I don't think I'd be on this adventure. I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago. Yes, it's frustrating, exhausting and challenging, but the fruits from it all greatly outweigh those things and make it worthwhile.
I was thinking earlier today that some things I've been missing lately include my confidence, my passion for doing this and my investment in others. I feel like I've been floating through life the past 6 weeks or so and that's not what I want. I want to not only live life, but I also want to LOVE life...to make it worthwhile and do something that makes a difference. Life's been nuts lately and I'm starting to think things will be back to normalcy soon. In the meantime, I want to make sure that I'm doing as much as I can to get the old me back. She's been lost for a while...packed away somewhere...lost in the shuffle. For whatever reason, I disregarded the 'true' me and started becoming someone else that I'm not. This is the last thing I want to do and I can't wait to find those things I've missed and bring them back to life.
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