Break down

I'm on the edge of a breakdown. It just needs to happen so I can get it out and move on. However, it's been over 2 weeks since I've been in a place where I could do this. My best friend goes home tomorrow, which will allow me some 'alone' time, kind of. The new living situation (with 3 others) doesn't really allow me to have 'alone' time either. I guess I can just shut the door to my room for privacy. Or maybe in the car as soon as I drop the Best Friend off at the airport. Yeah...that's probably what's going to happen. =(

I could feel the tears coming yesterday. I'm realizing that the new job is very different than the old job. Not that that's bad, but it's just going to take some adjusting. I felt very cared for in the last job, that was the environment, people cared about each other. It's not going to be the same with the new job. There's still caring, but completely different. I think I need to lower my expectations and not hope for the same level that I had at my last job.

I need to find something of my own to be passionate about. Something that excites me about the job. It's not what I imagined, but I think/hope that it's because it's new and I'm on the learning curve. Once I get the hang of things, I hope it'll be easier and more fun...I really hope this is the case.

Enjoying CA so far. Hard to believe I'm here.

Identity crisis

Today's been weird. Wait, the past 2 months have been weird. I haven't felt like myself. However, I haven't really taken time to focus on what the issues have been because life has been moving at lightning speed. I've been focused on other things...other people... But now that things are getting back to normal, meaning one job, not thinking about moving (well, I am moving again in 3 months, but within the same city), etc., I'm hoping the 'normal' me will come back.

I had dinner with my dad and step-mom tonight. We don't really have a relationship. I haven't seen either of them in 2 years and barely talk to either of them. As I sat across from my dad at dinner, I realized how different we are. This made me wonder how similar I am to my mom. I'm not. Which lead me to the point of an identity crisis.

I'm an only child, so I can't compare myself to any siblings. I'm nothing like my dad. He's into sci-fi, irish music and Bigfoot (no, really!). I wonder if I had spent more time with him as a child if I'd share some of his interests. I don't know that it would've. I'm also nothing like my mom. She's into collectibles, reading (which I really wish I did more of) and history.

I don't feel like I belong in my family at times, but don't know where I belong. I often feel like I'm drifting through life on my own...as if I've been abandoned. Nine times out of ten, I'm the one calling my parents. They don't call me. I'm the one going to visit them...they don't come see me. I get tired of putting forth the effort, but feel obligated to do so. They're my family...my parents.

I was lucky enough to have a family 'adopt' me in Madison and invite me over for Thanksgiving and Easter meals. They made sure I had an extra hand if I needed anything. They invited me over for cookouts and made sure I was taken care of. I only hope I am lucky enough to find something similar in CA. A surrogate family, which at times, is better than the family life I have.

Managing my time

Yes, I've disappeared lately. Life has been nuts and thankfully, it's starting to calm down a bit, but is now all catching up with me at the same time. I've been in survival mode lately...one thing at a time...what's more important at the moment? What can wait another day or two?

I've left the city I've lived in for 4 years and am now on a road trip out west for the new job. I'm in Oklahoma, or 'Home' as I like to call it, for the next few days. I visited the parents a few days ago in MI, which was a much needed trip and had great timing as my step-dad was taken to the hospital just a few days before I was supposed to arrive. Lots of drama with that, but he's fine...better now than he has been the past few months.

I've been caught between so many rocks and hard places lately in managing my time. I've had to finish work, find a place to live (which the first one fell through), pack, move, drive, support my mom while my step-dad was in the hospital while I was exhausted, drive some more, see friends and family, work, and find time to eat/sleep in there. My continued schedule is to drive almost 1600 miles to CA, get there in one piece, unload the car, meet my new roommates, off to dinner, get back to the new place, unpack (maybe--maybe not!), and get into a 'normal' work/life mode.

So right now, I'm caught between telling people I can't see them because I have to work. This includes my BFF I'm staying with. She's been understanding, but I hate that I'm having to ditch out on some things to see other people and in order to get work done. I'm excited about the work, which helps a lot and wish I had more time to get things done while I'm in town. I've had to take my car in to get the AC fixed, which means dealing with something unexpected, both time wise and financially. Fun, right?

I'm ready to have a breakdown and need a break. I want to be in CA already. This has been in the works since October and it's only 1 week away from happening. Surely I can hang in there for this last week, right? I haven't been able to get the work done that I need/should/want to be done due to other life things happening. I've seriously wanted to give up on the move quite a few times. To hell with it all...my stuff will find it's way to CA. Why do I have to send it there? (I know, now I'm talking crazy. I think I'm delirious!)

Alright...off to another 'meeting' with a friend, then a work phone call, then a few more hours of work, then a break for dinner/shopping with the BFF, then back to work. Thankfully, the BFF's fridge is stocked with energy drinks and I have coffee on hand. May need both of those to pull off friend/family time and work this week. Whew!

Internal struggle

When your heart and your head are in a struggle, which one should win the battle?

Head? This is the logical way of thinking. It knows what's right, has rhyme and reason and is sometimes the bully in the battle.

Heart? This is the emotional way of thinking. Often, it knows something completely unseen by the head. Some would say that the heart and the gut are cousins. My gut is mute as I usually have a heart feeling...not a gut feeling.

My head is telling me to watch out. It's actually trying to protect my heart...like a big brother. However, while the head is protecting the heart, it's not overpowering the shouting of my heart.

Grrrr....why can't these two just live in harmony?

What I've Missed

Went to a wedding earlier today and reception tonight. Seriously considered bailing on the reception as I felt very awkward at the wedding. My own insecurities, nothing else, and so I decided to suck it up and go to the reception. Glad I did as something was sparked in me through conversations with others.

I had the opportunity to tell 4 different people about what I'm moving away to do. Usually, this would get boring and dull, but I needed it. I heard multiple times that people were excited for me and that they thought it was cool/great that I was taking a step of faith and doing something so different.

I needed that. I needed to hear my own excitement reflected from others. It helps me believe that my excitement is not fabricated. That I'm not fooling myself or lying to myself about this experience. It's real and it's happening.

I realized about 2 months ago that I had let my partner's excitement about this whole thing carry my excitement as well. I had to stop that. I couldn't let his excitement create mine, but needed to create something that I could be excited about on my own. Then, I'd have ownership and passion for what I was doing...not what he wanted me to do. I've done this and just last week started feeling that ownership and passion diminish as his thoughts and my thoughts about the job were not aligned. This was very disappointing for me.

He and I talked and have worked some things out, as we always do. We have to stop and talk things out often, but if we weren't able to do this, I don't think I'd be on this adventure. I would have given up on the whole thing a long time ago. Yes, it's frustrating, exhausting and challenging, but the fruits from it all greatly outweigh those things and make it worthwhile.

I was thinking earlier today that some things I've been missing lately include my confidence, my passion for doing this and my investment in others. I feel like I've been floating through life the past 6 weeks or so and that's not what I want. I want to not only live life, but I also want to LOVE life...to make it worthwhile and do something that makes a difference. Life's been nuts lately and I'm starting to think things will be back to normalcy soon. In the meantime, I want to make sure that I'm doing as much as I can to get the old me back. She's been lost for a while...packed away somewhere...lost in the shuffle. For whatever reason, I disregarded the 'true' me and started becoming someone else that I'm not. This is the last thing I want to do and I can't wait to find those things I've missed and bring them back to life.

What dreams are made of

I woke up crying this morning because of a dream. Not a few tears, but a lot. There's a lot of interpretation that can go into dreams and I have used http://dreammoods.com to help me figure out what was going on in mine. I won't go into to the dream, but will tell you that I didn't recognize anyone in it.

1. Underpass of a bridge, but had to search for BRIDGE on Dream Moods: "Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage."

2. Shooting: "To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person." Yes, I shot someone with a gun in my dream, but I was also being shot at. It was like it was a game...hide-and-go-seek like.

3. Dying: "To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person."

4. Swiss army knife, but had to search for KNIFE: "Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship." There were two knives in my dream. One that I had and one that the person I shot had. His was broken and old, mine was newer. Both had names engraved on them, but not names that I recognized.

Wow--all 4 of these interpretations have to do with what is going on in life right now...things I don't know for sure that I want to happen, but maybe need to happen. I don't know anymore. I want to avoid the whole thing, but feel it's important to make things right and figure it all out.

Life--so exciting and yet so frustrating at the same time.

A piece of me is missing

These past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. Something was not right this past weekend. I wasn't myself. The excitement about the event and about seeing people wasn't there. Part of it could be associated with exhaustion that was setting in. Part of it can definitely be because of the strained relationships the came to the forefront of everything this weekend.

I can't even get the words out that are in my head. They hurt too much. I'm not ready to face the issues, either, because I know my heart and my head do not agree about what I should do. I know what I want to win out, but as soon as I start dealing with this, I'm afraid that what i want won't be what I should be doing.

A piece of me disappeared this weekend, but not because of any one thing. I just hope that I can find a way to bring that piece back...and soon as I need it more than ever right now.