Fear...again

Today's been weird. Within the last few hours, I've been overwhelmed by fear about the future...both immediate and long-term...both personally and professionally. I can't do this. I can't let the fear of the unknown overwhelm me to the point of turning away from things. I don't want to turn away, but the unknown aspect makes me wonder what's going to happen, if anything at all.

I hate not having a plan and knowing what's in store. Why haven't I pushed more on getting an answer or a plan? Because I'm afraid it's going to be something I can't agree to which in turn would mean walking away, which is not what I want to do. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to separate the friendship aspect from the business relationship during these talks as my co-worker/business partner/boss/teammate or whatever you want to call him is also a good friend. Makes things very difficult sometimes.

I'm not 100% happy with the way things have gone with the conference I'll finish later this month, which is the new job once the old job is done. It's been difficult to balance both jobs for over 6 months now, especially as my busiest season for the first/full-time job has just come to a close. I haven't been able to give my all to the new job, which disappoints me. Ticket sales are low, which disappoints me. I'm sure it's going to be a great event but think I could've done a much better job if I hadn't had 3 other conferences to plan at the same time. I'm disappointed in myself, but feel like I've done what I could, for the most part. I know that once it's my main focus and I don't have another job taking 50+ hours a week of my time, it will be much better. I just hope I have the opportunity to prove that.

It's like ripping off a band-aid, right...just get it over with. It'll hurt less that way. At least I hope so.