The famous quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson goes, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,' but I'm a little skeptical. I've never been in love and some days, like today, wonder if I'll ever know what that feels like. I don't know if I'm just accepting the fact that as I get older, the probability of finding true love is becoming smaller or if I'm just becoming accustomed to being single. I have days where I wonder what's wrong with me and what I should think about changing to make me more desirable/attractive/lovable. Tonight, these thoughts snuck up on me with no warning or invitation. Am I too strong of a leader? Does that intimidate guys? Maybe I'm too outgoing, is that it? I don't think I'm attractive, but hope that my confidence helps cover that up. I don't know that it does.
As I start to think about what's wrong with me, I realize these are the things that are actually what's 'right' with me. These are the things that make me, well...me! I can't turn them off or make them go away. That would not be natural and I wouldn't be happy. I then start to talk myself into the idea that there's someone out there for me who will love me just the way I am, which sometimes, like tonight, just feels like a big fat lie.
I honestly can't imagine being married right now...life's too exciting. There's too much going on. Yeah, it'd be nice to have someone along for the ride, but I enjoy having my own time, my own schedule and my own space. I think having 'distractions' in life helps to keep me busy and keep these thoughts away. But honestly, I wonder if this is another lie I believe or if it's really true. I guess I'll never know...until I get a chance to experience the other side.
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