Gonna make a change, for once in my life...

They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. If that's true, I'm hoping that 30 days will make it second nature. =)

I've signed up for NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month, which means I'll be posting at least once a day, EVERY day for the month of November. I'm excited about this as it will force me to stop and reflect on something in my life each day. So often I make it to the end of the day and wonder where it all went.

Not only am I going to post each day (notice I didn't say PLAN to post...positive thinking, people!) but I'm also going to work on some other things:

• Working out::I was on a role with this for a while and took a break because my knees weren't keeping up with me. Once they were ready to go again, I wasn't.


• Reading::I have 3 books that I hope to read over the next month, 2 of which I've started. I'm notorious for starting a book and never finishing it. I'm looking at 6 books in my room that all have bookmarks in them that I've never finished. Wait, make that 7. Oops!


• Finances::Seriously...I've got to get this in order. It's an area I avoid because it depresses me. Maybe a bottle of wine and chocolate will help make it more enjoyable.


• Cooking::I LOVE to cook but don't do it. This will help with the finances thing listed above and will make life more enjoyable!


• Happiness::There's so much in my life to be happy about, yet again, I often don't stop to realize what they are. I'm going to commit to add a "Happiness" piece in each blog post. =)

Alright...I could list 15 other things that I want to work on over the next month, but sometimes it's better to work on fewer things in order to do them well than many, many things and do them half-assed!

If you're a blogger, or even if you're not, I challenge you to join the NaBloPoMo. You can also join the group I created, Cheap Group Therapy: Do you use your blog as a way to put it all out there? To vent? As therapy (which is cheaper than shopping)? Are there secrets there for others to read? Then this is the group for you...

Is there a way to avoid being disappointed?

dis·ap·point·ed :defeated in expectation or hope

I don't think I'm disappointed often, but when it happens, it hits me hard. I'm such an optimist and often see the best possible in situations and people. Because of this, I really believe I set myself up to be disappointed. Think about it...if I didn't expect or hope for the best in something or someone, I wouldn't be disappointed, would I?

I hate being disappointed. There are times when I'm disappointed in myself, but I try to figure out why I'm disappointed in myself, what I could've done different and chalk it up to a learning experience.

There are also times when others disappoint me. Granted, those that usually disappoint me are ones that I know better...we'll call them 'friends.' Because there's a level of care and interest in these friends, I usually have expectations and hopes for them. When my friends disappoint me, it hurts bad...breaks my heart a bit. Why? Because I see the potential and goodness in these friends and to have them not live up to those hopes and expectations is hard. There tends to be a level of trust that is removed when something like this happens.

But wait...why should I be allowed to be disappointed in the hopes I set for someone? If someone were to put the expectation on my to wrestle an alligator, sad to say, I'd disappoint them as I'd probably never do that (there was a time when I lived in FL that I had a gator in my front yard...no joke!). So is it fair to be disappointed in others based on the hopes and expectations I've set for them? **Granted, that was a stretch on an 'expectation', but you get what I mean.**

Let's flip it a little...is it fair for me to be disappointed when a friend doesn't fulfill an expectation they set for themselves? If so, how disappointed? Does it make a difference that the friend set their own expectation and failed to complete it as opposed to me setting an expectation for them?

I wish I could just not become so invested in friends...not care so much about them and our friendship in order to remove a bit of the disappointment from my life. But that's not me. I have to figure out how much to speak up about my disappointment, how much to expect from my friends in response and how to heal and move on. However, the time during which I try to figure this out is never a happy time.

Saturday Stuff

**Warning--a bunch of randomness ahead!**

I love doing laundry! There's something about the cleanness and fresh scent that makes it so enjoyable. I'm doing laundry now.

I woke up at 7am this morning, even though I didn't want to. Why? The construction right outside my window woke me up. Seriously people...7am? On a Saturday?

Is it better to develop your own plan and do all you can to work towards it or to go with flow and accept what life gives you?

Why is it that I can dish out advice to just about anyone, yet those same words come back to haunt me when faced with my own decisions? This happened last night as I've been thinking about something. I could hear myself repeating 'words of wisdom' that were given to a friend that totally applied to what I'm contemplating. It doesn't make it any easier that the words came from me to begin with...maybe it's time to practice what I preach.

I can't stand it when past experiences in which I've been burned make me more cautious. Yes, I view them as learning experiences, but at the same time, they cause me to hold back on decisions in the future.

Why does it seem easier to stay in something you know, even if it's not exactly what you want or what makes you happy, than to take a chance on the unknown? I've had to think about what the worst possible outcome could be if I take a chance which in turn helps me with making the decision. If I think I could handle the worst outcome...what's holding me back from moving that way?

I really dislike being in a bad mood. Life is way too short to waste time and energy on being moody, however it's unavoidable at times. Thankfully, when I'm in a bad mood, I try to figure out why I'm in a 'mood' and then move on. Figuring out 'why' is helpful in trying to avoid the mood next time.

Do you have anything to add to this list of randomness? Alright...time to enjoy the rest of my Saturday! ;)

Tennyson must've been on crack!

The famous quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson goes, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,' but I'm a little skeptical. I've never been in love and some days, like today, wonder if I'll ever know what that feels like. I don't know if I'm just accepting the fact that as I get older, the probability of finding true love is becoming smaller or if I'm just becoming accustomed to being single.

I have days where I wonder what's wrong with me and what I should think about changing to make me more desirable/attractive/lovable. Tonight, these thoughts snuck up on me with no warning or invitation. Am I too strong of a leader? Does that intimidate guys? Maybe I'm too outgoing, is that it? I don't think I'm attractive, but hope that my confidence helps cover that up. I don't know that it does.

As I start to think about what's wrong with me, I realize these are the things that are actually what's 'right' with me. These are the things that make me, well...me! I can't turn them off or make them go away. That would not be natural and I wouldn't be happy. I then start to talk myself into the idea that there's someone out there for me who will love me just the way I am, which sometimes, like tonight, just feels like a big fat lie.

I honestly can't imagine being married right now...life's too exciting. There's too much going on. Yeah, it'd be nice to have someone along for the ride, but I enjoy having my own time, my own schedule and my own space. I think having 'distractions' in life helps to keep me busy and keep these thoughts away. But honestly, I wonder if this is another lie I believe or if it's really true. I guess I'll never know...until I get a chance to experience the other side.

It's been waaaaayyyyy too long...

Really, it's been way too long. So long that I can't even remember the last time. Yes, this morning, for the first time in a long time I woke up happy...smiling...excited about what's in store for the day.

Is it possible that the clouds in my life are starting to dissipate, allowing the sun to shine through? I sure hope so! With winter coming soon, it's hard to be in a good mood, let alone stay in one.

I hope the happiness that showed it's face this morning is a glimpse of what's to come for the next few months...

Collision ahead

There are times when I realize one thing in my head and another in my heart. Two separate options, ideas, thoughts that I struggle with. When this happens, I the head knowledge usually wins out. (I'm a thinker...not a feeler, which isn't always the best thing). This doesn't mean I take the 'safe' option, it just means I go with the one that makes the most sense to me. I have followed my heart a few times and because things haven't turned out as I'd hoped, my heart knowledge is often drowned out by my head knowledge.

Then there are those times when my head knowledge and my heart knowledge collide...they're in sync with each other and it's the most exciting thing. Seriously, the adrenaline gets going and I start wondering if I'm crazy, but it's the most amazing thing! This happened Saturday night as I
                                                     was going to bed...

When this happens, I'm ready to drop everything and pursue whatever it is that has me so excited. This is one of my better qualities, but it's also one of my worst. I'm always interested in doing something new and exciting...I mean, why wouldn't you be? What's the point of life if it's boring, right?

At what point is it OK to let your heart win out over your head? Do you always have to have some 'play it safe' element involved? I'm fine with not having a safety net...it's what makes it exciting...but need to be OK with the thought of 'what if I fall'. That's when not having the safety net is going to hurt. As I chatted with a friend last night who helped keep me grounded, he posed this question, "Think about the worst case scenario. What would your options be from there? Would you be OK with that? If so, move forward with the crazy idea. If not, wait a bit longer to see how things play out."

I need to do some more thinking (darn that head knowledge!) as I have a huge decision to make within the next few weeks. The funny thing is, I'm almost 100% positive of what the decision is in my heart, but need to get my head to catch up to this. Amazing...heart knowledge may just win this one.

A huge step in the right direction

I just sent an email to my dad. For the first time, it felt natural to send him an email and fill him in on what's been happening in my life.

Not only that...I told him I'd call him on Saturday. I'm actually excited to tell him more about new things in my life and hear what he has to say. I know he'll be supportive of it, but it has more to do with his day-to-day world than what I normally do.

This is a huge step for me. I haven't talked to him in a few months...not sure I'll get to this point, but am sure I'm headed in that direction.

Closed...

I'm super extroverted...almost to the point of being annoying, but I deal with it. However, there are times when I just shut down. At those times, I'm not the life of the party, the center of attention or wishing all eyes were on me. Yet, because of my 'normal' personality, people still look to me to fill those roles. Usually, there's nothing that's caused me to shut down, I just need a break, so when people ask 'what's wrong', there's no answer, which is not acceptable to the one who's asked. Then they continue to press as to what's wrong which in turn starts to tick me off a bit. Crazy how that all works.

It's weird...there are people who can ask me, "How are you doing" and I can tell they aren't really interested in knowing so I give them the "Good...things are busy" answer and then there are those close few who can ask the same question, "How are you doing" yet it sounds completely different. I can tell that they honestly care and want to know how I'm doing...even if it's not good. I can count these people on one hand. I like it that way.

I have noticed lately that I've been closing off areas of my life to friends. I'm not being completely open about what's going on. Why? Because they're not asking which in turn makes me think they don't really care. I read an interesting statement once that said, "My friend who knows me best asks 'what are you doing' not 'how are you doing' because she'll know the answer to the latter based on the answer to the first question." This makes sense to me. I want to know what my friends are doing. I think I know my friends well enough to have an idea of how they're doing based on what they're doing. I would hope my friends would know as much about me.

So next time you talk to someone you're close with, don't ask how they're doing...ask what they're doing. I'd bet you'd be surprised at how much you can answer the 'how are you doing' question on your own.