I'm sorry...so sorry...

Saying I'm sorry is a hard thing for me to do. Part of it comes due to the fact that I am very confident in my abilities and decisions, therefore, sometimes I'm not aware that I've done anything wrong. The other part is because I hate to admit when I'm wrong.

This morning, the sermon at my church was from Galatians 5 and talking about the Fruit of the Spirit. An interesting point my pastor made is that it's not FruitS of the Spirit. It's singluar-Fruit. But wait, there's a list of things, right? His point was that they are not characteristics to be seperated apart. You know, this week I'll work on gentleness. Oh...I have the kindness thing down. No need to work on that!

I sent a few emails a while back apologizing for some things I've said, in a kidding manner, but may have hurt some feelings of those they were directed towards. Nothing extremely bad, but if someone had said them to me, I may have been a bit offended. My friends may not have thought twice about it, but I felt convicted during the message this morning to appologize for these things I've said. I did it with no problems and am glad I did. We'll see what my friends' replies are.

God has really been working in me the past few months and I'm so excited to see where this is going and what He has in store for me. I spoke with a good friend this morning about how I was doing after hearing about the job I wanted so badly. I could honestly say I'm doing better. I'm still a little hurt, but God is definitely healing me of my pain. Wait, I'm allowing him to heal me. This is a vital step in the process that I often can't accomplish. What's sad is it's usually the first step that needs to happen to be truly healed.

As I spoke with my friend about how I'm doing, I said, "I know that God is in control and all that jazz. He has a plan, I know." He went on to say, "It's not only about realizing God has a plan. It also means submitting to His plan and saying, 'OK, God...whatever you have in store for me, I'm OK with. You take over.'" I'm not sure I'm quite there yet, but am sure it will be soon...like maybe sometime this week.

May the Fruit of the Spirit be visible in your life this week. May you also be open to saying, "I'm sorry" and "God, you take over..."

I needed this

This has to be the cutest puppy ever...


I could really use some puppy love right now. This picture will have to do it for now. (Did you notice he only has one ear? So cute!)
Thanks to Ramblings of domesticated singleness, who originally posted this pic and gets to live with this cutie!

The wait is over...

I finally heard today that the position I thought was made for me has been offered to someone else. As happy as I am to finally know, it's been very hard to accept.

My confidence has been smashed to pieces. Questions of "What did I do wrong" are plaguing me. My thoughts are occupied by questions of "What now?" and "Why?" Physically, my body is not happy with the news as I'm not hungry, am crying uncontrolably and every so often I can't breathe because I'm so freaked out.

I still have a job, so why am I so upset about this? For some reason, and I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I'm am extremely unhappy in my job. This has only been the case starting about 6 months ago and over the past few weeks, it's been all I could do to stay at work each day (part of this was the potential job offer, I think).

What sucks is I have no idea what I'd like to do. I don't think I want to go back to the recreation field because of the hours. I don't think I want to be an administrative assistant again, though I enjoy most of what that entails. I'm not trained enough for an Event Planner position, other than the one I currently have. When did I lose the dream of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'm really not sure that dream was ever clear to me, but at least I had something.

I'm almost 30...in just a few weeks. This is not how I had imagined my life. I think this is a huge part of what is bothering me right now, as I've just started crying again. I hate my life right now. I hate my financial situation. Work sucks. I can't stand my living situation (in an apartment with a roommate), yet have no other options. Life sucks! And where's the man that's supposed to bring me happiness, huh? I want someone I can share all the crap going on in my life with, who will encourage me and listen and not feed me BS about "it's all going to be ok" and "everything happens for a reason" but will be mad with me and feel my pain. I'm tired of waiting...where the hell is he?

I don't know that this entry has made me feel any better, but at least I've been able to get in to words some of the things that have royally pissed me off right now.

Preparing for the worst

I had an amazing second interview last Monday for a job I'm really interested in. Things went very well and on Tuesday, they contacted my references, which included my current supervisor. I know of 2 great references that were sent in (I've read the one from my boss--truly amazing!) I called on Friday after lunch and left a message with HR asking for an update and if they needed anything else. I haven't heard anything.

I'm starting to wonder if I've misread actions and words. I know I've already accepted the job in my head and I haven't even been offered the job yet in reality. That's a dangerous place to be. Everyone who I've talked to about this keep saying things like, "this sounds great!" and "it sounds like they're for sure going to hire you." Everyone except for one person...my pastor. He's a close friend whom has seen me at times I'm not so proud of and is still my friend. He's one person that can look at me, knows something's wrong and I lose it.

I met with him on Wednesday this past week. He was excited for me, but then said, "Don't get your hopes up just yet. It's not a for sure deal." As hard as it is to hear this, I do need to be reminded about it. I know he's looking out for me and doesn't mean to hurt or discourage me. He only says things like that to ground me and bring me back to reality.


So often, I feel like people tell me what I want to hear instead of maybe what I need to hear. I'm an encourager by nature and always want to help people feel better, but will try to help them see the other side of issues, which ultimately helps them to understand their side a bit better. It's so hard to do this sometimes, for fear of ruining a friendship. At the same time, I would hope it would actually strengthen the friendship.

With this being said, I'm starting to prepare for the worst with the job thing, meaning I'm not going to get it. I can easily become happy about it, but accepting the fact that I was not offered the position will be hard if I think I already have it. Feelings of rejection, failure and fear will cover me. I would much rather prepare for that then the good feelings that would come with being offered the job.

I hope to know soon...either way it will be a relief.

What's to come?

Good news! I've been asked back for a second interview. I can't tell you how excited I am about this and how nervous I am at the same time. As I've been waiting to hear, my desire to work in this position is growing. It's making me want to leave my current job immediately. I don't understand why I want out of my current job so bad.

Well, that's not exactly true. I have my reasons for being ready to move on. Part being the recent promotion/lack of a raise I received. Working for a non-profit means realizing you'll probably not be paid what you're worth. I pour myself in to my job and even made it my top priority for about 6 months and I feel like I haven't been appreciated for my work. I put my job ahead of my friends and even withdrew from what little community I have during that time because "work was so crazy and I needed to be there 60+ hours a week". So not true. It's been very hard for me to be in the office since my first interview. I've actually called in sick one day (which was mostly true...I probably could've gone in, but wasn't feeling 100%). I never call in sick.

My current job is not meeting all of my needs. I sit at a desk all day and have very little "people" interaction and that's not my personality. I like having team collaboration but prefer to work independently and with our new employee, I'm having to work more as a team rather than on my own projects to get her up to speed. I want to be in a professional environment, which is not my current work place. We're the most professional department and we could even bump it up a notch. Then there's the factor that my entire world is a Christian world right now. I work for a Christian organization and my friends are all from church. For 3 years, this has been my life. I'm ready to be in a 'secular' work place. It will challenge me and allow me to grow.

What I'm realizing is I'm ready to find a job I can settle in to. I've had 4 'career' positions since graduation and am learning more and more about what I want and how I like to work. I think, and hope, this new job could be it. There are so many pros for this position and I can't think of any cons, at least not now. I told a friend last night that I'm not sure what I'll do if I don't get this job. She said, "You'll look for another one. There are lots of jobs out there!" True...but my question is how many are there that fit my personality, talents and passions?

True Love

I think this is a great illustration of true love...



I want someone to hold my hand while we sleep! So cute!!!

an·tic·i·pa·tion

Main Entry: an·tic·i·pa·tion
Function: noun
1 visualization of a future event or state

I can't believe it's only Wednesday night. Less than 48 hours ago, I was sitting in an interview for a job that I am very interested in. Since Monday afternoon, it has been so hard to focus at work and time just seems to be d..r..a..g..g..i..n..g along as slow as possible. I even had things on my calendar for Monday and Tuesday night, which I figured would pass time a bit more, but no. It's only Wednesday!

I think I did well in the interview. A surprise for me, when I showed up for the interview, one of my good friends was in the hallway. Lo and behold, her office is right around the corner from where my supervisor's office is (or would be...) That was a great surprise. It actually put me a little at ease seeing a familiar face. Then as I was headed down in the elevator, another friend that I'm in a Bible study with gets on. He at least knew that I was interviewing for this; my other friend had no idea.

The more I think about this opportunity, the more restless I get. It doesn't help that I feel very under appreciated and underpaid at work right now. That sure doesn't help with my motivation either. I really don't feel like investing myself in any projects as my hope is I won't be there much longer. I couldn't even stay in the office today and barely did any work. One plus is we have Friday off. :)

I should hear something about the next interview within a week. The supervisor will be out of town next week, which means the next round will be scheduled two weeks from now. Great...more waiting!