Caution! Big decision ahead...

It's Wednesday night. I have until Monday morning to make a decision. Granted, my decision will not be the final decision, but it's still a big deal.

I've recently received a promotion at work that I'm quite happy about. However, in my job, I have to fundraise as I work at a non-profit organization. This is the part of my job that I dread the most. It's so hard for me to ask others to support what I do financially. It has been a struggle for 3 years. When I was given the promotion, I asked for a promotion, but agreed that I would raise the goal that has been set for me for three years and I have yet to reach. I haven't heard from my supervisor if he will give me the raise.

Over the weekend, I applied for a position that sounds very interesting, but is different from what I'm doing. It's not something that I can see myself doing for years and years and years, but could hang in for a few years, at least. The starting salary is the same as what I asked for in my current job, with no fundraising requirements. It's working with residents in a surgery program at a high profile hospital. Being around doctors wouldn't be so bad, huh?

I've been called about an interview and will meet with the group on Monday. I feel like I need to make a decision before I go in as to whether or not I'd take this job if offered. I'm not sure I want to have to make the decision on the spot if it is offered to me. So...now I'm faced with a few days of going back and forth about whether or not I would take the new job. Anticipation...it kills me sometimes!

Someday my Prince will come...

I moved a few years ago to a brand new city where I knew no one and thought I'd meet someone and be married within a few years. Well, here I am 3 and a half years later and still nothing. I can't tell you how much this has affected my confidence.

I often wonder what's wrong with me. I'm funny, intelligent, witty, into sports, hospitible, fun and outgoing. I'm interested in music, sports, current events, and movies. I love God and want to learn how to be a better follower of Christ. So...what's the deal?

I often get tangled up in the messy web of "what if"s when a guy shows any ounce of interest in me. Wait, let me amend that...if a guy I like shows any ounce of interest in me. This is always a bad road to travel down and I always get hurt. Good news for any guys that I'm interested in now-the percentage of guys I've been interested in previously, since the move to Madison, who are now engaged is pretty high. Good news for you, but not for me.

This is something I struggle with on a day-to-day basis. Why is it so hard for me to find my worth in Christ and be content with what I have right now? I go back and forth with the arguement of "If God didn't want me to be in a relationship, he wouldn't have given me the desire to be in one" and "I know God is looking out for me and only has my best interest in mind." I can almost always never find the middle.

God has created me to be this amazing woman who wants to care for someone, encourage them, serve them and yet, I have no one to do that for. It drives me crazy! I see opportunities in the guys I've been interested in and have even seized some of those, but nothing comes out of it.

God, my prayer is to give me patience. I feel like this is my broken down, repeated prayer that I often come back to, but I really hope I mean it this time. The heartache and tears that I waste of someone I'm not meant to spend the rest of my life with is too hard to handle anymore. I truly believe you've created me with these desires to care for someone else. I want to wait on the person you have created for me and not just settle for someone who could be that person. Father, help me guard my heart...mostly from myself. I get tied up in fantasies of what life could be like if I were dating or married and it really is not healthy. I want to sit back and let you be in control of this area. I want to use this time of waiting to become the best woman of God I can so that I'm not blindsided by 'him' when he gets here.

I pray that you are molding my husband into the best man he can be for me...a leader, who's also ok with me taking control sometimes...a patient heart, because I know there are times I can't handle it and will need to patience shown towards me...a love that puts You first, but with me in a close second!

Remind me to stay focused on you and to let those fantasies go. That's all they are...fantasies. The reality, with you as the focus, will be so much better than anything I could ever dream of!
~Amen

A-Z about me

A is for age: 29
B is for books: I love them and wish I read more often
C is for career: Event planner
D is for dad's name: Carl Duane
E is for essential items to bring to a party: Veggies and dip
F is for favorite song at the moment: Cupid's Chokehold
G is for Good Times: Hanging with friends/listening to live music
H is for hometown: Oklahoma City, OK
I is for instruments you play: Ipod
J is for jam or jelly you like: Strawberry
K is for kids: Maybe someday
L is for living arrangements: Massive apartment with a roommate
M is for moms name: Cecilia Eileen
N is for name of your best friends: Tiffany
O is for overnight hospital stays: None yet...
P is for phobia[s]: Ornithophobia...fear of birds
Q is for quote you like: "Someday my prince will come..."
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: A few months. I'm waiting for the right guy.
S is for siblings: 1 step-brother
T is for best trait: Giving and creative
U is for unique trait(s): I can offer great relationship advice, even though I have little experience
V is for vegetable you love: Mushrooms
W is for worst trait: Can't take criticism
X is for x-rays you've had: teeth-does that count?
Y is for yummy food you make: Just about anything that has a recipe
Z is for favorite animal at the zoo: Anything aquatic

FIRSTS:
First job: Telemarketing
First funeral: Grandfather
First piercing: And only - ears at age 8
First tattoo: Inside right ankle. I only have one, but have wanted to get another for a while. We'll see if I ever do it.
First credit card: No idea and I have way too many now.
First favorite musician/band: Amos Lee and Aranda

LASTS:
Last movie watched: Coyote Ugly (watching it now)
Last beverage drank: Coke Zero (also drinking it right now)
Last food consumed: Cookies
Last phone call: To a friend, Ryan
Last CD played: Sara Groves
Last website visited: Meagan's Musings

Single or Taken: Single, but hope that changes soon
What do you miss? My friends back home
Hair color: Sangria (that's what the box said)
Natural color: Dark brown with gray hairs here and there
Eye color: Blue/Green. Really...one's blue and one's green
Makes you sad? Hearing the crap that college women believe about themselves.

What's wrong with Christian community?

I've been very busy lately with work and have withdrawn from my church and Bible study group for a few months. I've just recently come back to the group and have been welcomed back as if I was never gone. I finally made it back to church this morning for the first time in a while and it was great.

My Bible study group, or Life Group as we call them, is my 4th one since moving here. In the past, I couldn't find a group that I clicked with and felt genuinely cared for. In my job, I have a period of at least 2 months which are very stressful for me. I often work late during the week and end up doing work on the weekends as well. Each year, I've stepped away from my Life Group during this time. Each year, my Life Group has not checked up on me. This is one of the thing that irks me so much.

So many times I've been working during our regular Life Group time and wished they would stop by to check on me or call to say "We miss you" and it's never happened, until this year. I was actually planning to make it to LG one night and then had a very bad day at work. I called one of my friends to tell her I was not going to make it. Later that evening, I had 8 messages on my cell phone (this is not normal). As I listened to the messages, tears came to my eyes. It was indiviudals from my LG calling to say they missed me. During a time when I needed community the most, they were there for me. I was not forgotten as I had been so many times in the past.

I would hope that this was a regular occurance, but considering it was the first time for it to happen, I think it's rather rare. We currently have a few other people who have missed quite a few weeks from our group. I've emailed one of them and invited another one to hang out with the group (which she did make it to!). I'm planning on emailing the last one who no one has heard from in a while to see how things are going.

I realize everyone is busy and caught up in their own lives, but I think we need to open our eyes and hearts to the needs of those who are missing. One of our guys is basically living at the library due to studying. We can lecture him and tell him he needs a break (which he really does) or we can think of ways to meet his needs. I'm planning on putting a care package of snacks together for him and will go to the library to deliver it if I have to. :)

I feel that the Church reaches out to each other when tragedy strikes, but what about in our day-to-day lives? Are we blinded by our own 'stuff' to where we can't see others needs within our community? I really think by reaching out to our brothers and sisters, that our needs will start to be met as well.

March Madness

I love this time of year...March Madness. I don't follow college basketball all year until this time. Then, I'm superfan, but only for the teams I picked.

I don't have a method to who I pick other than reading about the teams online. I do, however have a method to my bracket. It's quite intense. I fill in my picks in colors-red for upsets, green for top seed finishers. I then highlight accordingly if I picked correctly or not. I even added in the times this year in colors, one for Thursday/Saturday and one for Friday/Sunday.

My boss is a bigger fan than I am. This is a good thing. He takes off from work to catch the games during that day. This in turn allows me to do the same. Yep, I have not been to work since Wednesday. I sat all day on Thursday and Friday watching the games. It's been a great time of rest and I've really enjoyed it, but...(couldn't you feel the but coming on?)

It hit me today that maybe I was a little 'too' in to the March Madness tournament. When something consumes my life to the point of taking off from work for it, I'm not sure that's a healthy obsession. Then I started to wonder why I can't get this excited about my relationship with Christ.

My plan in the morning is to make it to church for the first time in a few months. I've actually been twice, that I can think of, since Christmas, but both times I had to leave early because I couldn't sit there without crying. I've felt so distant and have pushed God away and out of my life that it's hard to let him back in. It's also hard for me to put on the "everything's great" face and smile at everyone who says they haven't seen me in a while. I can't decide which issue is a bigger area for me to tackle.

I'm hoping that March will bring a different kind of madness to my life. One that will help me open my heart and rekindle my realtionship with Christ. Let the madness begin!

The Frazzled Female

Yep, that's me, the frazzled female. Well, it used to be me.

I have a bad habit of overcommitting myself to doing 'good things'. In college, I served on every committee that I was interested in. I helped in planning every event I was interested in. I was so tired and exhausted, but I kept going and did this for a few years. It wasn't until my senior year, when I was on my way out soon, when I realized I don't have to do everything. Other people are capable of doing a good job.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Others view this as being a 'hard worker'. I was recently in Florida for a staff meeting and one of our staff asked me if I had trouble sleeping at night. I said sometimes and asked why. He then proceeded to ask me, in a nice way, if I was a workaholic. I told him I was. It was the first time I had ever admitted that to someone else. The hard part about this is I know I'm a workaholic, but I don't know how to back down from it, especially during our busy work season.

We've just ended our busiest time of the year and will have approximately 6 months of down time. I'm looking forward to this time and want to get caught up on all the things that have been pushed aside for so long. I'm taking things easy now (I've been off work for 2 days this week to watch March Madness!) and really plan to rest and relax and try to figure out a way that I'm not overcommitting myself to things and yet enjoying what I'm doing. I'm also hoping to work out a plan for limitations in my work.

Insight to me...

I saw this on Meghan's Musings and thought it was very interesting.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

It's a nice day today. The snow is melting away and the temperature is a pleasant 46 degrees with lots of sunshine. I've opened windows to get some fresh air in the apartment. It's been way too long since we've had nice weather. I think it would've been a lot worse if I hadn't just spent some time in Florida recently.

I hope Mother Nature isn't just teasing us and that spring is really on the way!

What am I doing with my life?

As I laid in bed last night, trying to go to sleep, I was overcome with a panic of what am I doing with my life? As I'm nearing the benchmark 30th birthday, I look at what I have to show for it. I don't own a house and am still renting an apartment. I can't afford to rent a place on my own so I'm stuck with having to live with someone, when I think I'd much rather have a place of my own. I have debt from when I was in college that I'm still struggling to pay off (and I'm not talking about student loans...the other kind of debt).

It's sad for me to think how much my financial situation impacts
my life. I get depressed because I live paycheck to paycheck. To make myself feel better, I spend money on outings with friends, though I do have to admit my shopping habit has been more under control than it ever has. I end up staying in much more so I'm not tempted to shop when I'm out. I haven't balanced my checkbook in many, many months because it depresses me to see myself barely making it each month. I've been late on payments because it's another area I tend to avoid.

I work at a non-profit, which isn't so bad. However, because we're non-profit, each employee is required to fundraise a certain amount each year. I'm in my third year and have yet to reach my goal each year. This year, it looks like I'll end around 60% of my goal. Because of this, it's hard to ask for a raise. I do much more than I'm paid for, to the point of being a workaholic, yet I can't ask for a raise as I feel the response will be "We can give you a raise, if you find the funds for it." Again, not something I want to face.

I know I need to get help for this, as well as other things...but that's for another post. It's hard for me to ask for help, but I'm reaching a point where I may have no option than to do so.

It's about time...

I have been thinking about starting this blog for the longest time and am finally doing it. Why this blog? I have a bad habit of ignoring things that need to be dealt with. For years, I've tried to journal about things that are on my heart and it hasn't worked. I don't take the time to really get down to the issue at hand. I enjoy blogging, partially because typing is easier than writing, and hope that this blog will motivate me to really face these issues head on.

Another nice thing about this blog is it's completely anonymous at this time. I have another blog that I started including more detail than I originally planned and because I don't know who's reading it, I've quit blogging there. I'm afraid someone may find out about it. I hope the animosity of this blog will allow me freedom to really get things out that I need to.

So, here's to a new start and confronting my brokenness...head on!